horse humor

I can't take credit for the list, but have these very same thoughts when I've seen these mistakes.

Few spots Leapards (must be jumpers?)

in our heard (What ya say?)

to foil in july (fencing horses?)

Great confirmation (ConFORMation)

Lounges great (lazy horse?)

written slightly(WOW? he can write?)

Gilded colt (gold plated or the real thing?)

Broken out good (he has acne?)

I wonder if this will be in the next version of the DSM?


Just recently, after years of research, I have finally been able to give a name to what my wife and I have been living with for years.

It's an affliction, for sure, which when undiagnosed and misunderstood can devastate and literally tear a family apart. Very little is known about O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome. But it is my hope this article will generate interest from researchers involved in the equine and psychological sciences. You will, no doubt, begin to identify similar symptoms in your own family and hopefully now be able to cope.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE EQUINE ATTACHMENT NEUROSIS SYNDROME O.C.E.A.N.S) is usually found in the female and can manifest itself anytime from birth to the golden years. Symptoms may appear any time and may even go dormant in the late teens, but the syndrome frequently re-emerges in later years.

Symptoms vary widely in both number and degree of severity. Allow me to share some examples which are most prominent in our home.

The afflicted individual:

1. Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't tell whether milk has gone bad until it turns chunky.

2. Finds the occasional "Buck and Fart" session hugely entertaining, but severely chastises her husband for similar antics.

3. Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her tack, but wants to eat on paper plates so there are no dishes.

4. Considers equine gaseous excretions a fragrance.

5. Enjoys mucking out four stalls twice a day, but insists on having a housekeeper mop the kitchen floor once a week.

6. Will spend an hour combing and trimming an equine mane, but wears a baseball cap so she doesn't waste time brushing her own hair.

7. Will dig through manure piles daily looking for worms, but does not fish.

8. Will not hesitate to administer a rectal exam up to her shoulder, but finds cleaning out the Thanksgiving turkey cavity for dressing quite repulsive.

9. By memory can mix eight different supplements in the correct proportions, but can't make macaroni and cheese that isn't soupy.

10. Twice a week will spend an hour scrubbing algae from the water tanks, but has a problem cleaning lasagna out of the casserole dish.

11. Will pick a horse's nose, and call it cleaning, but becomes verbally violent when her husband picks his.

12. Can sit through a four-hour session of a ground work clinic, but unable to make it through a half-hour episode of Cops.

The spouse of an afflicted victim:

1. Must come to terms with the fact there is no cure, and only slightly effective treatments. The syndrome may be genetic or caused by the inhaling of manure particles which, I propose, have an adverse effect on female hormones.

2. Must adjust the family budget to include equine items - hay,veterinarian services, farrier services, riding boots and clothes, supplements, tack, equine masseuse and acupuncturist - as well as the (mandatory) equine spiritual guide, etc. Once you have identified a monthly figure, never look at it again. Doing so will cause tightness in your chest, nausea and occasional diarrhea.

3. Must realize that your spouse has no control over this affliction. More often than not, she will deny a problem even exists as denial is common.

4. Must form a support group. You need to know you're not alone - and there's no shame in admitting your wife has a problem. My support group, for instance, involves men who truly enjoy Harley Davidsons, four-day weekends and lots of scotch. Most times, she is unaware that I am even gone, until the precise moment she needs help getting a 50-pound bag of grain out of the truck.

1. A Pony is NOT a Baby Horse

2. There is a distinct difference between being Bucked-off and FALLING-off

3. Trotting is NOT the same thing as Galloping.

4. The horses in the field are NOT blindfolded

5. The horses in the field laying in the sun are NOT dead, they're just napping.

6 Jumping is not what you see in the old western movies

7 You cannot just throw a saddle on ANY horse, and expect to ride it.

8- Yes it IS hard to ride a horse, no it does NOT do all the work and NO you don't just SIT THERE.

9- yes, in the wild horses didn't live in stalls, wear blankets or get their feet trimmed, but they also did not do dressage or jump 3' with an extra 180# on their backs.

10. There's a difference between galloping for fun and being run away with.

11. Just because my horse is a boy does not mean he is a stallion.

12. Kicking a horse in the ribs and yelling "YAAAHHH" isn't the appropriate way to start.

13. An awful lot of the big names in the movies actually couldn't really ride that well. The horse deserved his own award for tolerance.

14. I'm 23. I have a degree in equine science. I'M NOT GOING TO GROW OUT OF IT. ITS NO LONGER JUST A PHASE!

15. In real life, horses do not whinny constantly like they do in the movies.

16. She's not "white", she's a grey.

17. No, he will not automatically kick you if you walk behind him.

18. Not *all* horses are either Beer Horses (Clydesdales) or Race Horses.

19. Just because you are a good rider doesn't mean you no longer need a trainer.

20. Not ALL baby horses are COLTS! Girl horse babies are called FILLIES!

21. Getting a pony and keeping it in your backyard for the kids is not a good idea.

22. The nails in shoes are NOT sticking into the 'feeling' part. They horse really can't feel the nails. I promise.

23. Rearing is not cool.

24. just because you have children, and I have horses, does not mean that the two groups shall be joined together, EVER.

25. No, these full chaps are ONLY used for riding horses, and no, I won't wear them in the bedroom!

26. ALL chaps are Butt-less. If they had a butt, they'd be leather pants, wouldn't they?

Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.

Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .

A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.

Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.

Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.

Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.

Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.

Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.

Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.

Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.

Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.

Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.

Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.

Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.

Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".

Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.

Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.

Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.

Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.

Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.

Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.

You know you are a horseperson when:

-You cluck to your car when you go up a hill.

-Your horse's hair is in better condition than your own.

-You refer to your car as "my portable tack room".

-You are exited when your friend tells you that there is a huge sale at the bridle shop, then you are dissapointed when you realize they mean the bridal shop.

-You have the vet's number but not your kid's pediatrician on your speed dial.

-Your spouse can track dirt into the house all they want, but God help them if they muddy up the tack room.

-Your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin.

-Your nice clothes are the ones without horse hair all over them.

Great thread!

^ LOL i love that picture!!

I hope this link works here....

http://www.facebook.com/shutupimtalk...52851234647057

I love that horse!!!

I might actually put this up at my front gate!

Those posts are SO fun lizardlady & they SO make me wanna see a horse right now, kiss him, & hug him

I love horses so much, but I never got the chance to ride one, 'cause they're too expensive here

But there are some slums in the city here, where poor agrarian people use horses to sell their farm-crops in the city. & the horses they use look so poor, unattended for, & so miserable, that when I pass by one of them I try to look deeply into his eyes & emotionally connect with him. They make me remember the "Black Beauty" novel that always makes me cry...

Sorry to make some sad talk in this funny thread

Nushi, would the farmers let you pet their horses? It might bring a little happiness to your life and the horse's.

Good idea I'll definitely try this out one day, when I find some time...

You know you're a horse person when...

- Every time you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make

- You say "whoa" to the dog

- There are bits soaking in your bathroom sink.

- You can't make it to work because of bad weather, but somehow still make it to the barn.

- You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food

- You are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift. "They really cared!!!"

- Every time you go to the stable, it takes 3 hours and you can't imagine where the time went.

- After you just got stepped on, and a non-horse person asks you if you are alright, and you say "what"? not realizing what they are talking about.

- You teach your little brother to skip by getting him to "canter", then "switch leads" until he's doing one-tempi flying changes (skipping!).

- Y ou count strides to the crack in the sidewalk, and then step over it

If Horses had Bumper Stickers

HONK...if you wanna see me spook!!

"If you can read this, you're about to be kicked in the face"

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

"Turn signals are for amateurs." - unbroke 3 yr old.

"Choose Life: Stay Outta My Way!!!"

"You Name it, I Jump it!!!"

"Got Grain?"

"It's not trouble until I'm in the middle of it." - 4 month old colt.

can't jump today...the voices told me to stay home and clean my bucket.

Top 10 Reasons Horses Are Better Than Husbands

10. If they don't work out you can sell them.

9. They don't come with in-laws.

8. You don't have to worry about your children looking like them

7. You never have to iron their saddle pads.

6. You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.

5. It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence"

4. You can force them to stay in good physical condition.

3. They turn white with age, but not bald.

2. They learn to accept restraint.

1. They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot!

Top 10 Ways to Become A Better Equestrian

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"

9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."

4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.