How to convince my parents to let me have a pet snake

Thank you. Ive come a long ways with myself and my parents since my hospitalization but there is always room for improvement. Its hard for me to be articulate what i want and how i feel. Its a good opportunity to practice that snake or not

Lark, the quote above is the first line from your original post. I suspect the fact that you lead with the fact that your parents are "snake phobic" is the reason everyone focused on that. Your post about a kitten focused on how to communicate with them about letting you get a cat.

You say you are looking for ways of discussing getting a snake with them, that you haven't had that conversation with them yet. What worked for you in the kitten discussion? It must have worked because they gave you a kitten at Christmas. Good for you for wanting to plan in advance how to communicate with them. As others said, it's a good skill to develop.

In that vein, I'd encourage you to consider communication in this thread. You started off stating they were phobic, now you say you want tips on how to communicate with them. Those are two very different things. Methinks if you'd started out asking for help communicating you would have gotten very different answers.

Some points that might help your case

-Investigate what kind of container will be escape proof and provide them with the results of you research. Offer to get the kind of container with the best rating.

- Plan ahead what you will say about how you will care for the snake. It shows you've put effort into learning about their care.

-Have a plan in place so that neither one of them has to have any contact with the snake. For instance, if you keep it in your bedroom would that insulate them from coming in contact with it.

Lizardlady, I understand what you mean. I should have worded it different.

I want to focus on how to present this to my parents. Like you said, I want to do my research and be able to show that I have put a lot of thought into and how this would be good for me and that I have also considered their feelings as well.

In the past,
You have had a snake cage and the snake has escaped. That could be part of the reason they do not want a snake in their house. It got into their bedroom.

Also, a mature young adult who knows about snakes, would not have gotten that close to a rattlesnake.

You ar not ready, IMHO.

PS I have snakes.

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You can't tell a member to not post on your threads....

Also, what exactly do you want us to say? You're basically stomping your feet in fustration over us not saying what you want. Maybe you aren't really mature enough to handlle the responsability of an exotic pet.

The issue is not in my capability of owning a snake. The issue is how to have this conversation with my parents. I have already stated my difficulty in communicating and would like help in communicating this issue.

Is this about building trust? Could you start by growing plants? Although plants have a limited capacity for affection they are in many ways much more rewarding than animals which tend to become a bloody nuisance. Anyway once your parents see how well your plants do perhaps they will start to think about permitting animals. Given the drought in your region xerophytes might be good to start with.

Well. If you owned your own living space, you could do what you want in it. If you were paying rent, you would have to abide by the landlord's rules. But as an adult living with your parents, you see it more as your space than not. But legally its probably more like your parents are your landlord. Your name is not on the deed. Or maybe your parents would just say majority rules and outvote you. So maybe we can say your communication skills are fine; you just dont like the outcome.

My long term t used to constantly ask me, "why is this coming up NOW?" I would wonder the same thing. Why are you putting so much time money and energy into this, when as a young person just starting out in life, there are so many more worthy more life enhancing goals you could pursue? How does this fit into your plan for the next 6 months, year, 5 years, etc? Or maybe show how getting a snake fits into those plans!

Why is this coming up now? Good question. I need to ask myself this more, but I've done a lot of DBT and therapists sometimes ask me this too.

1. My mom just adopted a kitten, so now I want my own pet. Not the best argument, nor is it the top reason, but I'm just throwing it out there.

2. I have my own cat, but I won't be able to take her to my own apartment for several reasons. One, most apartments prohibit or expect a deposit for owning cats, whereas snakes not necessarily. Second, the home I live in now is her home where she feels safe. Moving a cat causes distress and she can run away, especially when she is naturally an outdoor cat. Thirdly, my parents agreed they would keep Evy when I move out until I am more stable. They don't want me to move out, take her with me, and then decide I can't live on my own or have to move somewhere else, thus putting additional stress on Evy.

3. The startup for snakes are relatively expensive, no more than 2 weeks pay (not as dramatic when I save up for it), but not so much after. There are lists of things I need to pay for weekly and monthly, but no way in comparison to the costs of keeping a cat or dog.

(By the way ManofConstantSorrow, I've inherited my "black thumb" from my mom. My mom is notorious for killing plants, and after three months I've killed all but my succulents. However, I have 8 betta fish throughout the house that I am solely responsible for, and I do very well caring for them.)

4. There are lots of things I spend money frivolously on. That's another thing I am working on overcoming, and I think that could very well be an argument my parents would present: how can I afford a snake? I would have to come up with a solution to be able to set aside however much money it's going to cost a week or month to care for it.

5. In the next six months, I am hoping to become a manager at my job. I could come up with a compromise with my parents: if I am responsible enough to hold down a job and become a manager, I certainly will not only have the money to care for a snake, but have the stable income to continue to care for a snake. I think one of their big worries is that if I bring home an animal, will I be in a position to continue to care for it without the help of my parents.

6. In the next five years...woo! I live in the here and now! In five years I'll be almost 30 years old! I know I won't be living at home (hopefully). In five years, I may be a caretaker for my grandparents. I may be living with them in return for caring for them, or I may be living in my own apartment. If I live with them, I know there are plenty of rooms in the house or perhaps even somewhere in the backyard where I can keep the snake. If I live in my own apartment, I would be able to keep a snake and this wouldn't be an issue.

7. Lastly, why would I put so much time and energy into this right now? The hardest question of them all. I've tried caring for plants, I've tried caring for fish. Plants look pretty, and then they die. Fish look pretty, and then they die. You can't interact with a plant or a fish aside from making sure they don't die. The only sense of accomplishment, I feel, when taking care of a fish or plant is waking up the next morning and seeing that they hadn't died overnight. Like cats and dogs, it's such a rewarding feeling to adopt a baby cornsnake and watch it grow from a newborn to a fully mature adult as a result of your love and care. As I've said before, snakes have a unique hold on me, handling them is almost entrancing and incredibly therapeutic. I have the sole responsibility to care for my own pet. And I want to be able to reconnect with my favorite animal.

Lark, if you think your parents would question if you can afford to support the snake, could you start setting aside that amount of money now to show that you will be able to afford it?

How soon are you moving to an apartment? Maybe you could put off getting the snake until then. You could "celebrate" your own place to live by getting the snake.

Is it really true you can have exotic pets in apartments without any problem? Does that mean my neighbors can have snakes??????

I think this is not true.

I'm supposed to be saving money regardless.

My parents don't want me to move out. They told me there is no rush to move out and that I am welcome to stay with them.

I may not want to move out until I have a steady boyfriend or a room mate who can help pay the bills.

I think I have enough information I need to have this discussion with my parents. I am going to start by writing my mom an email of all the things we discussed in this thread. The reason why is that my mom has a tendency to cut me off mid-sentence, input her opinion, and end the conversation. That is one of the reasons why I began this thread. As I have said before, communication is not my strong point, but believe it or not I write very well and writing how I feel is so much easier than speaking how I feel, especially when the words are very hard to say. Yes, in some of my posts on this thread it proved very difficult for me to speak how I feel and sometimes I came off as defensive or confusing, but that's okay. I needed this thread to find the words I needed to say in order to present my case to my parents in a very clear and direct way. So thank you to those who stuck around long enough to help me find the words I needed to say.

Best of Luck!

It depends on the building where you live and the rules there. I have friends who live in a "no pets" condo. That means absolutely no pets - no cats, dogs, fish, birds, you name it. Check with your landlord or building board.

I agree, you are so much easier to talk to now. Darn - here i thought it was because i had improved! Jk! That is exactly why i spend so much time here, trying to improve my communication and general interaction. Anyway, good luck!

Good luck Lark! Please let us know how it goes.

I will post a draft or a final draft here. I am working on the email in googledocs so I don't accidentally send it and I can have people review it before hand.

I'm finding even this is hard to make the words come! :O

Here it is! I spent about 2-3 hours on this off and on. I'm hoping it turned out okay.

I decided to do a build up to the snake topic to round out the point I am trying to make.

Let me know what you think and if there is anything I need to change!


Dear Mom,

With my upcoming birthday next month, I have been reflecting on the past few years and what my next steps will be as I continue to grow as a person, employee, and friend. For the past five years since my hospitalization, I have made many leaps and bounds to not only overcome my struggles with mania and depression but to pursue new pathways in my life that will help me grow as a person. However, I have spent little time reflecting on what the future holds. It seems impossible to wrap my head around, but now is the time to make decisions that will benefit my future. I have a few statements I would like to make, and I am hoping we can discuss them as a family.

I have three years to find a job with benefits before I need to pay for my medical. I have been working at McDonald’s for five months now and I feel comfortable enough to say that this is a job I can stick to for the next three years. As you have seen, I take every day as a learning experience, and I keep a journal of all the things I have learned each day, as well as a journal of all the things I am grateful for. My goal is to become a manager within the next year, which I believe--but not entirely positive--that it does, in fact, provide benefits as a manager. If not, I will have another two years to work as a manager at McDonald’s until I find a job that provides a better pay and has benefits.

My high-priority goal is to purchase my first car. I need your help in helping me save the money, and deciding whether to purchase a new or used car. There are many options available to purchase new or used cars, and though used cars are more affordable, they’re not necessarily more reliable. I am hoping that when I become a manager, I will be able to make payments on a new car. I would like to avoid taking out a loan in the same way I would like to avoid using a credit card. I want to be sure that if I purchase a new car, I will be able to make the payments every month, and I am hoping within the next year when I become a manager, I can do just that.

You have said I am more than welcome to live at home and not to worry about moving out, but now that I am turning 23, it is important to discuss when and how I will move out. You briefly mentioned being a caretaker for Mamma and Papa. They may not need a caretaker for themselves right now, but what about for their house? With Papa’s hips hurting and Mamma’s back and arthritis hurting, they may need help in areas around the house such as deep cleaning, trimming trees, pulling weeds, watering plants, fixing fences, etc. or even doing their grocery shopping that they can’t do right now. I am very much attached to their house and it hurts me to think a stranger will live in it someday. I would very much like to pursue the caretaker role, and I would even be willing to pay rent or work in exchange for rent while I take care of them and the house.

For the here and now, pursuing additional responsibilities would be beneficial to prepare me for the real world. I pay no bills at the moment, which I am very thankful for, but I want to do more than keep the house clean. When we adopted Evy, you offered to pay for her expenses because she was a special gift from you to me, and I am thankful for that. It would have been very difficult for me to do so, as I now realize. With a stable job and a stable income, I would like to venture into becoming more responsible with pet care. I would like my own pet that I am fully responsible for: all the vet bills, food, expenses, etc. I have 8 fish that I care for, but realistically, they’re pretty to look at, but not much to invest in. I would like your consideration and permission to allow me to bring home a pet snake.

Snakes have always been my favorite animal. I find them to be more therapeutic for me than a cat or a dog. There’s something about a snake weaving through my fingers that is so entrancing and soothing. I remember chasing snakes at Schollenberger Park, holding them at the Day Under the Oaks and at other herpetology booths, and then I adopted my cornsnake. I was 13 years old when I had my cornsnake. It is apparent to me now that I did not take the best care of it, but I can’t compare who I am now to who I was ten years ago....I’m certainly not the same person I was FIVE years ago! I’ve overcome many obstacles in my life, and I believe that I am now in the best position to care for a pet snake.

Unlike cats and dogs, snakes are very low maintenance. They very rarely require a trip to the vet, which means I am not invested in an animal that is costly. Basic snake requirements include a cage, bedding, water, a heat lamp, and food. The benefit to owning a snake is that though the start-up can be relatively expensive (about two-week’s pay, which can be saved up over time so I’m not spending all my money at once...OR I can use my birthday/Christmas money on!), the maintenance requires very little money out of pocket. An issue that would arise is whether I can afford a new pet, but now that I have a stable job with a stable income, I know just how much I would need each week for maintenance and upkeep. On a regular basis, I would need to feed it once or twice a week, clean the bedding, keep its water dish full with a special water, mist it, bathe it after it sheds, and occasionally I would need to buy more bedding and replace the heat lamp bulb, which I am certain now with a steady, reliable job, I can afford these expenses to care for it.

Keeping in mind that Dad is not fond of snakes, I would limit handling to be in my room only, I would make sure that it stays in its cage when I am not handling it, and I would make sure that the snake cannot escape from its cage. I would limit its contact with Dad so he doesn’t feel uncomfortable. That being said, there are many snakes available that would be suitable for our family, as I want to keep everyone happy. Cornsnakes are said to be the best “first-pets”, but there are other snakes such as rosy boas that are much smaller and more docile if a smaller snake would make Dad feel more comfortable. I would also make sure that its food is kept in a sanitary container that won’t contaminate our other frozen food, and I’d make it appoint to feed it, bathe it, and do most handling when you and Dad are working or aren’t home.

These are just a few points I have made about wanting to become a more responsible adult. I am wanting to move forward in my career and personal life to make me a better person, and I am interested in taking on more responsibilities to feel more rounded and pushing myself to do bigger and better things. Let’s have more discussions about how I can become more contributing as an adult.

Most apartments have strict rules on
What's allowed and what's not.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I sent it to my mom. I think I made some good points. I'm so anxious to hear what she says. :O *crosses fingers*

I wish i had been able to talk to my parents like this. (((LL)))

Lark, the care you put into the e-mail is obvious. It's excellent!

Please let us know what happens.