some validation of how I feel.

so, I feel like the fact that I've gained way too much weight is an outward sign of my failure. a friend who's a comedian posted this last night on FB:

"Ever run into an old crush/former lover and they see that you see how fat they got. The shame in their eyes is priceless!"

it validated my feeling that because I've put on 50 pounds that I'm a loser and that my weight screams that. it's true, I'd die if I ran into any of my exes in the state I'm in. I know they're not going to look at me with an ounce of compassion (well, they didn't when I was with them even when I was thin so why would I expect it now?). They're going to look at me and say "look how FAT she got! hahaha! glad I'm not with her any more. I WIN."

it makes me sad. on a positive note, I've been using my fitness pal. I've been recording everything I eat without any judgement. this is the first time I've done this WITHOUT obsessing about food. any time I've been on Weight Watchers all I can think about is food and just obsess about it. I feel like I've made some progress--I've lost 5.5 pounds in the past eight days. using my fitness pal has curbed my drinking (I only fit it in when I have the calories to use), I've switched from diet soda to sparkling water to avoid fake sugar and currently giving up sweets for Lent so I'm hoping to continue on that path. this may just be water weight but I'm happy with my loss thus far...

Congratulations! I am happy most of my exes are far, far away, but I fear running into someone who is local. I avoid going grocery shopping during the hours when he might be there. It is that bizarre. I look forward to the time when I will have nothing to hide under baggy clothing. I have so many pretty clothes for thinness, it would be such a shame to never get to wear them again.

Your progress, on all fronts, is amazing. I just want to warn you that - at least according to the conventional dietetic wisdom - no more than 2 pounds off a week is a safe loss. So please do not expect to continue at the pace at which you have started; that would not be healthy. And, if I understand correctly, skin needs time to gradually shrink back without stretch marks.