[spondiferous]

Disclaimer: I am in no way trying to infer that anybody reading this post 'prefers' to 'not recover' or that if you are really struggling then I am not interested in what you may have to say.

However...

I specifically am seeking responses from people who are seeking recovery from, in recovery from, or have recovered from overeating and binge eating. I am 34 and I have been struggling with overeating- and binge-eating related symptoms for 20-25 years now. I literally cannot remember a time in my life when I didn't have a problem with food, when food wasn't the solution to every problem and feeling and change I had in my life. I also deal with bulimia (bingeing and purging) which I realize is another forum, and I intend to post there as well.

At 5'6", I have been, at my heaviest, 350 pounds. I currently sit somewhere around 280 (I gave up weighing myself years ago as I found it only triggers me). Although all my levels are normal - blood sugar, blood pressure, etc - I am afraid that if I don't change soon it won't stay that way for long. Also I just feel uncomfortable in my body all the time, never have any energy, always feel drained and preoccupied.

I am in an eating disorder program right now, since last August, the first time I have ever received medical/professional help specifically for my eating disorder. I am a recovered alcoholic and drug addict, 6 1/2 years clean now. I have also been diagnosed with OCD, depression, Borderline, and panic disorder with agoraphobia, so my eating disorder is not the only mental illness I am facing. I have been through CBT and DBT, psychiatry, and counselling for these other diagnoses. Now I am in the ED program.

What I am looking for is other people who are on a similar path as me right now. I am wanting to connect with others who are also in the pre-contemplation/action stage of their recovery. I want to know what works or has worked for you, aside from medication. I want to know whatever you can tell me to help me along, and in exchange I am willing to share my progress thus far. I am not looking for a diet or a weight loss program. I have tried pretty much everything in the book. I am looking for sanity, peace of mind, freedom from my obsession and compulsion with food.

I am fairly certain that, for me, given my history with a lot of different types of foods and behaviors, my recovery will consist of abstinence from foods in any of those categories. So I'm not trying to find a way to 'safely eat' things that I am drawn to. I don't think that's possible, at least not any time in the foreseeable future. Right now I am looking to put a stop to the process of obsessing, planning, bingeing, and then the associated guilt, shame, and financial, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual stress that ensues.

For anyone reading this, I send you compassion, empathy, and good thoughts in your struggles and attempts at recovery and solution.

[LostNgone4ever]

hey, I read your post and wanted you to know that it is great that you are seeking the help you need and are actively trying to recover, the hardest thing for me was admitting I couldn't recover on my own. I am 26 and have a horrible relationship with food since I was 15. I used to not eat all day and then binge at night but for the last 3 months I've stopped going to work and just binge 5 or 6 times a day...its horrible...I try to stop but then just get more depressed and start eating again.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder, depression, and OCD. I also have type 1 diabetes and am hypothyroid. I feel like have the symptoms of bipolar and borderline personality disorder but have not been diagnosed with those.

I am being admitted to a residential eating disorder treatment program on monday, I was so scared to do it before b/c I thought those were just for people who were anorexic, but this program said they treated binge eating as well. so I'm hoping that will help start me on recovery.

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, my mom told me that "recovery is often harder that the actual illness" I think that is true, but it will be worth it.

[LostNgone4ever]

hi, i read your post and could really relate. I am 26 and have had a disfunctional relationship with food since I was 15. I used to not eat all day and just binge at night but for the last 3 months I have stopped going to work and binge 5 to 7 times a day. I try to stop but then get more depressed about how I look and start binging again.

I also have anxiety/panic disorder, depressions and OCD. I haven't been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder but when I read about them I have all of the symptoms. I also have type 1 diabetes and hypothyroidism.

I am starting a residential eating disorder program on monday, I was always afraid to do this b/c I thought ED units were just for anorexics but the place I going to says they treat binge eating as well...I am skeptical but I know I can't do this on my own.

I commend you in your recovery efforts and wish you the best of luck. I hope we can both find peace of mind and happiness.

[LostNgone4ever]

sorry i posted twice, i'm new here and it didn't show up either time but then i read the moderators need to approve posts. sorry

[sunsetsunrise]

Congrats to you on being proactve working on this awful addiction. You mentioned that for you it will be abstinence. This is pretty much how it has to be for me. If I start with something, its a slippery slope. I do not have other substance addictions. Just food. But thats enough. Oh yes, I forgot, there was the matter of cigarettes. So there is the other substance addition. That was so long ago I sort of forget.

The list of foods I cannot have is huge. But its worth it. Because I am in charge. The foods are not in charge anymore. I could slip at any moment. And I know it. I know that I have to be hyper vigilant about it. I know that it is a day to day matter.

I long for good foods. I long for cheese. I long for so much. But it is much easier with the abstinence. I wish I had some good suggestions for you. I did post a great low cal low carb delicious recipe on a thread here. It helps me a huge amount to eat the frozen stuff. It satisfies my sweet tooth. I also drink fruity tea with stevia before bed. That helps a bit.

It is a tough road to travel. Exhausting. But the end result is so worth it. Just do it in a smart way. No starving. Because thats the flip side of this whole thing. I have been there. And its very very unhealthy.

Again, congrats on your dedication. I think its great.

[sunsetsunrise]

zyekitty, yay for you. Going into an ED clinic is a wonderful thing. I know what you mean re many people who are ano going to the ed clinics. But I also know that OA has both ano and overweight people in it. EDs come in both forms. And you deserve to get better !!!!

I hope you get what you need there. Because you deserve it. For me, this is a lifetime situation. But as long as i can understand that and work with it, then things can be okay. For some others their relationship with food is healed. And thats great. I HAVE known people who did heal their relationship with food. And they gained rewards along the way of working through underlying issues.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way

[spondiferous]

Originally Posted by zyekitty

sorry i posted twice, i'm new here and it didn't show up either time but then i read the moderators need to approve posts. sorry

No worries.

It seems you and I have a lot in common. I too have been diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder with agoraphobia, and depression, along with borderline personality disorder, and I too have hypothyroidism, although I don't live with diabetes. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I am happy that you are taking the time to come to the forums and that you replied to my post. I hope things get better for you and I encourage you to keep coming back here and sharing how things are going.

[spondiferous]

Thanks sunsetsunrise, for posting your experience.

I know that, even though I haven't begun actually writing the list out on paper, the list of things I will have to abstain from is going to be longer than the list I can safely intake. And actually, although I do have some fear around it - mostly about how not having my major 'coping mechanism' will affect my other mental health symptoms - I am kind of relieved that this feels like it's really It. I will have to give up a lot, yes. And it will be difficult making the adjustments not only in my diet, but socially. My partner and I live together and she's worried about how this will impact her, if she'll be able to handle it. We enjoy eating out together, or getting takeout. One of the things for me is that I cannot eat any kind of restaurant food, at the establishment or at home. Too triggering. And then there's family and friends, and having to set and then stand up for boundaries, having to help them understand the choices I've made and that this is something I need to do to keep myself safe and healthy.

However, it's like you said. I value the idea of getting my life back more than submitting to this thing for the rest of my life.

I am excited to report that I just received a phone call from a psychiatrist who specializes in eating disorders. I've been on her waiting list for approximately two years. It's like God sent me the help when I was ready. I'm in an ED clinic as well, and have a good counselor. So I have the support I need. I feel pretty confident that I can do this, if I am faithful to myself and to my plan of action. I know that I am strong enough and that I've got all the tools I need.

[H3rmit]

Food has always been comfort for me, and there has been little other comfort. I find myself turning to it compulsively, even though the relief is brief or nonexistent. Rarely do I feel glad I indulged. I am interested in this idea of abstinence foods. I can't quite imagine that for myself. I am at a point where I feel quite hopeless about life, so I don't have much motivation to change and give up my only pleasure, pathetic as it is.

I miss living in a house, having a garden, fruit trees, pets. Those were my joys. I hope we will have that again within a few years. I don't like the city and find it hard to get peace, respite, or joy here. So I have packed on pounds. The only slightly appealing goal is to lose a little so I can start my favourite exercise activity again. If I went low carb for a month or two, I could get there.

I'm quite "healthy" despite my size, because I generally eat home-cooked real food with lots of veggies every day. But this much weight is a strain on my body and organs. (Obese, but solid like a weight-lifter - because I do weight-lifting.) Lots of unnecessary fat. Ridiculous. Guess I should laugh at myself.

I am very interested in other people's experiences with food. I find it very hard to make sense of what goes on with food. I feel sad.

[spondiferous]

I feel conflicted about food. It's been so many things to me - comfort, support, love, attention, good tastes and smells and feelings and textures, something to drown my sorrows in or celebrate with, something to enjoy with the people I love - but it's never been about nutrition. One of the things I am in the process of learning is how to get into eating for nutrition. I am about to do a workshop on mechanical eating, on March 5. It's the first of two; it will focus on the planning stage of mechanical eating.

I've always felt powerless whenever when I'm around food. I get angry if I have no control over how much of it I can have or when I can have it. I'm constantly in financial duress because of it. I feel like hiding most of the time because of it. And yet I haven't been able to turn away from it for anything longer than about six months. I feel like I could be at a crucial point with it, a turning point. I'm planning like crazy, getting all my supports in place. I just want to be able to have a healthy life with all the ups and downs and everything that comes with it.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by spondiferous

I feel conflicted about food. It's been so many things to me - comfort, support, love, attention, good tastes and smells and feelings and textures, something to drown my sorrows in or celebrate with, something to enjoy with the people I love - but it's never been about nutrition. One of the things I am in the process of learning is how to get into eating for nutrition. I am about to do a workshop on mechanical eating, on March 5. It's the first of two; it will focus on the planning stage of mechanical eating.

I've always felt powerless whenever when I'm around food. I get angry if I have no control over how much of it I can have or when I can have it. I'm constantly in financial duress because of it. I feel like hiding most of the time because of it. And yet I haven't been able to turn away from it for anything longer than about six months. I feel like I could be at a crucial point with it, a turning point. I'm planning like crazy, getting all my supports in place. I just want to be able to have a healthy life with all the ups and downs and everything that comes with it.

what you wrote on both posts is inspirational. I so can understand what you are saying. You talk about everything I am familiar with. I know that this addiction ( if this is what you would call it) can be controlled. I think that breaking the old habbits such as eating out with your partner, may be hard at first. But with support and determination I bet you will make it through just fine.

Sometimes when we get to the root cause of the eating ( for me it likely is self medicating) we can heal the underlying causes. That can heal some of the feelings around food and eating. So I am glad to hear that you will have lots of theraputic assistance.

I admire your determination !! While I have not healed the roots of the ED that I have, it has relativly been under control for many years. Partially because of ill helth. And partially because of determination and desire to no longer let things get out of control. I think that you have a great opportunity to do healing i have not done. You have specialists who will be assisting you. And you have your own desire, dedication and determination.

Sure, its scary. But I bet you will win. One day at a time.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Food has always been comfort for me, and there has been little other comfort. I find myself turning to it compulsively, even though the relief is brief or nonexistent. Rarely do I feel glad I indulged. I am interested in this idea of abstinence foods. I can't quite imagine that for myself. I am at a point where I feel quite hopeless about life, so I don't have much motivation to change and give up my only pleasure, pathetic as it is.

I miss living in a house, having a garden, fruit trees, pets. Those were my joys. I hope we will have that again within a few years. I don't like the city and find it hard to get peace, respite, or joy here. So I have packed on pounds. The only slightly appealing goal is to lose a little so I can start my favourite exercise activity again. If I went low carb for a month or two, I could get there.

I'm quite "healthy" despite my size, because I generally eat home-cooked real food with lots of veggies every day. But this much weight is a strain on my body and organs. (Obese, but solid like a weight-lifter - because I do weight-lifting.) Lots of unnecessary fat. Ridiculous. Guess I should laugh at myself.

I am very interested in other people's experiences with food. I find it very hard to make sense of what goes on with food. I feel sad.

I detest all forms of exercise. So I admire that you have liked to exercise. I starved many times to lose weight. Big mistake. It took my health. So I think its great that you are taking care of your health.

For a whle i went to OA. Overeaters annynomous. But I didnt think I could do those "steps" so I stopped. But I did learn a lot. And it did help me. A couple of weeks ago i found online a phone number to call to find out available groups for EDs in my area (or any area) or online too I would suspect. I called the number but there was a voice mail message asking me to leave a message and someone would return my call. This is okay. i just got shy and hung up.

I would love to have some real support to change my thoughts about food. BTW, when you mentioned that you used to have fruit trees, instant fear went through me thinking that if i ever lived with fruit trees, I would surely gain weight binging on the produce off the trees. Seriously. Its a daunting thing for me. And for so many. For now I am the right weight. but my health has been ruined by starving. And I always want more food. So I am always saying no to myself.

[H3rmit]

> instant fear went through me thinking that if i ever lived with fruit trees, I would surely gain weight binging on the produce off the trees.

Sorry about that. But you might not be able to eat that much fruit. Even one fruit tree produces so much. It's a lot of work harvesting every day and washing and putting plums in the food-dryer or canning or freezing bags of cherries. And a lot of work cleaning up the garden. When you have something active that is fun, like gardening, canoeing, or sometimes bike riding, then it's motivating to not be too stuffed. Sometimes feeling light or empty in the belly feels good. Balanced.

I am not an athlete, but a bookworm. On the other hand I learned to pump iron in order to get rid of aggression/anger. It worked quite a bit. And it's nice to feel strong. I called it exercise, but I don't taint it with such a word in my mind. I have always liked that quotation, "Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away." The nice thing about pushing weights hard, though, is you can just do a few reps (4-8) of each exercise for even 10-15 minutes, and it clears your mind, boosts energy . . . and kickstarts your metabolism to burn fat. Good hormones feel good. I learned a lot about that from "Body for Life." My "favourite exercise" that I mentioned is the deadlift. Feels very powerful and works the entire body. I need to cut some lard and intra-abdominal pressure before I go back to those, though.

Thanks for your encouragement. I wanted to say a bit more about my experience with "exercise," since in school I always skipped gym and only learned about pumping iron in my 30s, and I still hate sports. BTW I'm no Arnold - I'm female.

>And I always want more food. So I am always saying no to myself.

I am so weak at saying no to myself. Like a four-year old, a weak one, with respect to food. how do you do it?

[sunsetsunrise]

No worries about the fear of fruit trees. The fear was fleeting
The description of caring for and harvesting the trees sounds like a littie bit of heaven. I am sure its very hard work. But work that involves love and connection to nature. I can understand how you could miss it so much

Getting rid of agression by lifting weights sounds so right. I hear ya though re every time I get the urge to exercize, I lay down until it goes away. This is my life

"The nice thing about pushing weights hard, though, is you can just do a few reps (4-8) of each exercise for even 10-15 minutes, and it clears your mind, boosts energy . . . and kickstarts your metabolism to burn fat. Good hormones feel good" That sounds so right on many levels. I have read that exercize ( even dance) releases stagnant energy from the body. Energy that really should be moved out.

Thanks for letting me know you are female. I wasnt sure. Its always good to know if someone is m or f. Not that it totally matters. But just easier when I visualize as I am reading !!

"I am so weak at saying no to myself. Like a four-year old, a weak one, with respect to food. how do you do it?" First, I do not keep foods in my house which I love enough that I would not be able to stop. Second, I have been more than 200 lbs. Twice in my life. I cannot go back there. Third. I guess I have been dealing with it for so many decades that I have well incorporated the voice of fear into the thought process. The karma of food, lol. If I eat it, it will come back at me. One way or another. Both foods that are medicine and good. And foods that convert to fat and sugar in... and on the body. No way to escape the karma of food. But weight lifting can really help. As muscle burns calories. Plain and simple. But even activity burns calories. Did I just say activity? I think I have to rest. Typing that word was exhausting. btw, I have a membership to a gym. I paid a hundred tollars for a year. Planet fitness: 1. me: 0

Afterthought: Just ate lunch. an unfolded omelette made of 3 egg whites and one yolk. with 1 1/2 ounces of Romano cheese on top. To me, it was like a mini snack. those who know me best know that I have requested one thing for when my time is to die. A huge buffet table in the hereafter. Yes I will be glad to see my loved ones on the other side. But I will have to see them while I am at the buffet table

[spondiferous]

I'm going to my first OA meeting tonight.

Well, not 'first' as in 'never been there before', but the first one according to the plan of recovery as I have designated it to myself.

I am looking forward to reconnecting with other people who struggle with disordered eating but are seeking recovery, or are recovering, or have recovered. I am hoping to find a sponsor, someone who can help me hone and commit to my plan of action. I really want it to work this time. I am ready to let go, I can sense it.

I just have to trust God, and trust the people in my life who are helping me. Trust is a big issue for me, always has been. But I no longer have the excuse anymore of not trusting. I have very trustworthy people in my life. And God is obviously on my side. If I need proof I only need look at the last couple of months in my life. Or, indeed, at my whole life put together.

I used to think that suffering was a sign that the Universe hated me, that I'd done something terribly wrong in a previous life. But the older I get, the more I go through, and the more I look back at my past, the more I see that I was being shaped to be the person I am today. I was being shaped to carry a message to others. It's happened in my recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, my experience as a birth mom, my experiences with mental illness, and my experience with my eating disorder.

Just for today, I'm okay with that.

Hope y'all are well, or something like it.

[LostNgone4ever]

I just wanted to thank those who have continued offering support through this thread. I just got home from my residential program and start a day program tomorrow at 8:15 am, unfortunately I was sick, had a cold, minor flu and now a sinus infection pretty much the whole time I was in the residential program. Some of the groups and therapy sessions were helpful. I'm hoping the day program would provide me with some structure. Living near fruit trees sounds fun...I could grow a veggie garden too. Could be healthy...may end up in a apple coma...must not obsess about the apples in the fridge

-Sarah

[spondiferous]

Welcome back zyekitty.