[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I guess I wanted a place to rant about this, since I've been turning it over in my head for a while now.

After I dropped out of college, I lived at home for two hellish years. During that time, I, a!long other things, stole. I stole money I knew was hidden around the house to emergencies; when the stashes began to deplete, I crossed the line and began to steal directly from my mother's purse, after years of being impeccably trustworthy. I took between $400-500. During that time I was occasionally given spending money (maybe $120 or so?), as well as $150 total in "safety money" meant for emergencies.

I ate almost all that money. Some went to personal items and bus fare, but I ate at least $560 of it.

My mother knows; I broke down crying when I admitted it, more out of guilt to stealing than anything else. But I think about that now, and then I think about spending half my food budget on sweets and junk when on my own and the thought is the same: I'm out of control. My eating is out of control.

It's a wonder really. How in could consume that much junk and processed food and not be incredibly sick or morbidly obese. Instead I'm about 20 lbs overweight, in no shape at all, but otherwise fine physically. But the shame doesn't go away, the disgust of knowing how little self control I have, or simply feeling like a repulsive whale who never stops shoving food in her face. Every once in a while I'll plan to go on a lengthy fast or transform my diet, but fasts last a day and reading about how everything except a few types of vegetables are horrible for you which just makes me afraid of food in general.

I hate being like this. I'm sick of feeling disgusting and out of control. I'm sick of guilt. Why can't I just eat like a normal person?

[Skeezyks]

Hello ScientiaOmnisEst: I sorry to read of your struggles. What occurs to me, as I read your post, is that something is driving you to do the things that are making you hate yourself. And, until you figure out what this is, little will change. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find a way through your despair...

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Thanks. I know I almost instinctively turn to food when I feel bad, especially sweets.

And I was thinking a couple of days ago that I probably self-sabotage my mood. If I'm stable and dareisay happy for more than a day or two... I get scared. Something's wrong. If I'm not depressed and self-loathing, am I even myself? What will I think about, how will I live?

And then I either go online or dredge up some thoughts that upset me so I'm back on the rollercoaster, coping mechanisms and all. And I know I have a entire canon of thoughts and beliefs that do nothing but push me down, yet refuting them without making some tangible change also feels like lying. So none of that is probably helping.