[KQiao]

I had trouble with my class enrollment this week, and now I'm almost a week behind because the admin at my school lost track of my paperwork in the middle of a changeover in staff. When I got enrolled in my class, I realized the class that I need has a format that my brain resists.

When I got to work, a person there was reading a book that always fills me with incoherent rage on so many levels. It wasn't so bad this time because the girl who was reading it was really open to listening to my take on the book without rushing to explain to me how wrong I am about it. I appreciate that, but even getting to talk openly about it without being shut down for my opinion makes me feel a little jittery.

One of the people that I work with bought taquitos and offered me one, which I've never tried before. I will never turn down free food, so I took one. As soon as I took a bite, I realized it had jalapenos in it, which I'm allergic to. My lips started to burn and tingle, along with my throat. I took a benadryl real quick, and it turned out ok. For some reason, my reactions aren't as bad when the jalapeno has been cooked into the food. As it is, the tingling is gone and my throat is only a little sore.

Then one of the guys I work with was telling me about his book that he is writing... which I support in a generalized sense. Unfortunately, he has PTSD and the topic of his book is a bit triggering for me. I managed to deflect him a bit by explaining that I am not his target audience, but I still felt restless after he stopped talking about it because I already know enough about the general plot to know where he's going with his story thematically, and I find the theme he's exploring to be unpleasant.

I ended up getting off work and going to the store to spend money I can't really spare at the moment to buy food. I managed to scale it back to pretty much healthy food, but I can't afford the amount I spent, and I know I'm not going to take it back.

Then on the way home...

Possible trigger:

I saw a dead cat lying in the road on my way home from work. I mean, I thought it was dead, but then it raised its head and looked at me and I realized that it was crushed, but still barely alive. I can't deal with cats being in pain, but there was also nothing I could do for it. There was no way to move it without causing it pain and I didn't have gloves or anything to protect myself in order to try even if it hadn't been too far gone to try to save. I reached for my phone, but then I remembered it was off because I have no money at the moment. I know logically that there was absolutely nothing I could do for that cat, and I couldn't have called animal control, but I still feel like a horrible person because I should have stopped and sat with it until it passed because no living being deserves to die, suffering and alone, while everyone just moves right on by without caring.

When I got home, I found a letter from the food stamp office saying that they were going to call my phone for an interview on Monday... on the phone that isn't working right now. I determined that getting my phone back on and getting help paying the bills trumped being late on other bills in my mind, but when I called the phone company I found out that in order to get my phone back on I had to pay double what the bill claimed since my account had been completely suspended. I managed to make a pay arrangement that I don't think I'm going to be able to complete later on so that I could make the appointment for aid.

I put away my groceries to the sound of the neighbor kid screeching and his grandmother yelling at him. I hate children, and I hate yelling, so I had a very large plate of breakfast. I was full about halfway before I got a third of the way through the plate, but I kept eating even though I didn’t want to. I couldn’t stop. When I was done I started trying to calculate how much effort I would need to put into cooking another plate vs. how willing I was to eat it if I did.

Now I hate myself... I hate that I'm crying right now. I hate my neighbors. I hate my job, and my constant lack of money. I hate that I’m having to apply for food stamps. I hate that it's the first week of class and I'm already struggling with the concepts I need for this class and my degree. I hate myself for eating when I wasn't hungry and contributing to my own stress over food by eating so much food I didn't need or even want. I hate that I seriously considered finishing the taquito even though I know, logically, that it would make me even sicker, possibly hospitalize me if I’d had more than a bite. I hate the way I feel so sick from eating so much. I hate that I feel like I’m being so whiny when my life isn’t bad at all, and definitely not as bad as so many other people who are struggling with worse problems.

And, I especially hate myself for the cat.

[KQiao]

Ok, wow. Was I really thinking that eating a food I'm allergic to is better than not eating at all? Nothing like a semi-public meltdown to clarify just how much I need to get my life in order. So, hi everyone. I'm a stress binger.
(And God, I'm still hungry...)

[PianogirlPlays]

I know what it feels like to feel scared and screaming inside. I know what it feels like to hope that food will help make you feel better. Sometimes a little bit helps but I think running outside sometimes helps too. The smell of the air, the feeling of sunshine and looking up and all around you can help too. Hope you do well.