Tired of failing, need support

This is my first post so please be patient with me, as I might ramble. I have come to the realization that I am a binge eater, and it's slowly going to ruin me as well as my relationships with friends and family.

I have been fighting weight my whole life, and there have been small pockets of my life where I have been thin, I have worked out and dieted or I have taken phentrimine. Nothing has ever stuck, I am an emotional eater and I have never been more so than I am at this time in my life. It's a cycle of shaming myself, eating to numb the pain, eating to feel comfort, starving myself, eating because I'm starving.

I have never been as heavy as I am at this moment in my life... I currently can't wear anything less than a XXL shirt, and 40 inch pants... I don't dare step on a scale because I'm terrified of going into a deep depression.

I've tried to exercise, but I can never seem to stick to it. I burn out after a few weeks... or I wake up with absolutely no desire to even try.

A lot has changed in my life in the last two years and maybe that's where a lot of the binge eating comes from. I care take for my grandmother, and almost to the day I started I was let go by a job that was extremely rewarding was also a horrible environment. Once I moved in to take care of my grandmother, I found myself extremely depressed. Was this what my life had become at 37 years old? I lost all self worth, and started sleeping all day, and when I wasn't asleep I ate.

I tried to take charge of my life again, and started walking and eating healthy and started to see success... but I quit. I did it again about 7 months later, and found the same success... but quit again. It's been extremely hard to stay motivated.

Somehow through all of this I was able to start dating someone who has been incredible... but I hide my depression from her, and I'm afraid eventually it will catch up to me.

Tonight I got home after eating dinner with her, I was by myself watching the Cubs win the World Series... and even though I was full, I still decided to go down to the kitchen and finish off half a pastrami sandwich, which made me feel great while I was eating it... but the moment I stopped, I shamed myself, and then panic set in about my clothes not fitting, or that I will continue to gain and be unattractive to my gf, or that my friends who I have avoided for months will think something of me...

Shame myself when I lay on my side before I go to sleep, feeling my stomach and how full it is.

And I can never talk to anyone about this because my friends don't understand,, and my family makes jokes out of any pain because they've always faked through things.

Which is why I'm hear this morning.

I wanted to be apart of something bigger than me (no pun intended), where people are going through the same thing and I can talk to you all about what I'm going through.

I want to be better, and I believe this is my first step.

- Chad

Hello Chad: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with this. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. As I read your post, I wondered if you have ever looked into an eating disorders program. Trying to overcome what you're trying to overcome by yourself is incredibly difficult, as you well know.

Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!