Failed

After months and months of binge eating every single day, yesterday I didn’t, well because of means and opportunity were not there. And today, I’ve been fighting so so hard. Fighting temptation, fighting urges to go buy stuff. In the end, I lost… I caved… I couldn’t fight it anymore…

We won some school hampers recently and temptation is right in my face, right there, right in the kitchen, just waving at me. And so, I pinched one of the bars that didn’t seem to stand out (and hopefully won’t be missed).

I feel like hell. So bad for losing this battle again and for failing again. Why do I keep eating? Why can’t I stop? So fed up of being like this. When does it end? I can’t deal with feelings, I just can’t deal with them…

Binge eating is a tough disorder to kick, because although beating any addiction is hard, we need food to survive. We can’t go cold turkey on it like you can with cigarettes or alcohol, etc. Furthermore, just speaking from my own experience, I can say that food can be very comforting when one has no support system. That’s been a biggie for me personally. I know how hard it is and how it can feel daunting to even keep fighting, but you are strong and I believe that you can beat this. Instead of viewing it as a failure, try viewing it as something from which to learn. Why exactly did you binge this time, what were the triggers, what can you do to avoid this from happening again in similar situations, etc. I really hope my response helps, I’m thinking of you and hoping you can stop beating yourself up (easier said than done, I know!) and just take a step back, take a deep breath, and go from there.

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@indigo1015 thank you. It’s difficult to not see it as a failure, I keep losing, I keep caving. I just feel horrid about it. When I’d done so well the day before, to then not even be able to last 5 mins without. It makes me feel sick. It’s not even that I’m necessarily getting triggered, while yeah there have been some, but it’s mostly to stop my feelings that are buried inside from coming out. I just can’t handle them. They’re big and explosive. I feel like I’ll literally burst if I let them out. I’m not in the right place to be able to deal with that. I do have some support. It’s just not in the way that I think I may need right now, but don’t know how I go about getting what I need. It’s just rubbish right now.

@Fuzzybear thank you for your lovely hugs. Sending some right back

Hi Wondersun. It strikes me that you said you pinched one of the bars from the kitchen and that you see this as a giant failure. Did this lead to a full blown binge? Or was this what you regard as the failure? What I've discovered is that people who don't suffer from binge eating disorder will often eat foods in type and quantities that we would consider a failure. For us with binge eating disorder, even eating a moderate sized packet of chocolate (or similar foods) can be seen as being a failure, because of what we believe it represents - our inability to resist eating foods we consider not good for us or quantities that we consider too large. But in actual fact, quite often what we eat is very normal. And it is often the way we react to what we eat - the catastrophic thoughts we have in our head about it - that sends us into a full blown binge, via the thoughts of, well I've blown it now, so I might as well binge. Just some thoughts - hope they may be of some help. All the best.

@highasakite that makes a lot of sense

I do the might as well binge thing too