Help i'm all cared out.

Hi all,

I'm relatively new to this site, but have been living with a depressed spouse for over 10 years. During that time he has been physically and verbally abusive mostly verbal, and mostly to our kids. The kids are grown and left home now and seem to have a good relatinship with their dad. This bout of depression has lasted for over a year and he is still having intense treatment. He generally manages to function around the home, but has frequent suicidal thoughts and says he often feels there is someone there when he is on his own at home. A couple of days ago i touched some papers when i was looking for somethng of mine, he absolutely blew his top. My response was to warn him to be very careful, which probably was the wrong thing to do.

Unfortunately for me the love has gone from our marriage, the reason i stay is because i can't have the responsibility of someones suicide on my conscience. However as you can imagine for me and i'm sure him this is very difficult, i am so lonely and feel without hope of life ever improving for me (this a realistic i think and not a sign of my own depression). I have no family support and have just started to get help hopefully from the mental health team. i would appreciate any advice on how i cope with this never ending torture.

I also live with a depressed spouse. Trust me, I know what you are going through. I am not going to offer answers here, because I have no training. Trust me. If I knew of a way to get through to a depressed spouse I would be doing it here at home.

Don't give up on yourself. Find things that you enjoy, and do them. No matter what, do things outside that pressure cooker of a home that you enjoy!

Good luck.

Been trying to find others like me on this site but haven't had much luck in getting reponses. Or they post once and never again.

I can relate to a lot of what you said, except it's my depressed boyfriend , not husband.

I can't be of much help, but I can listen and we can be a sounding board. If you're still active on here, PM me if you want, or post in the social group I'm trying to start called Support group for partners of depressed people. Just click "join" and I'll click okay.

I don't get on here much, but I'll respond when I can.

Hi! I just joined this site...
My situation is similar to yours and I came on here looking for some advice too....
I don't know what I'm doing half the time..but The only thing I can say,,and I just started doing this...is to start doing what YOU want. Start taking care of yourself, start doing something you enjoy, start socializing outside of the home, join a support group, go to therapy alone if you have to.
{hugs}

My parents are in a similiar situation and he has recently verbally attacked my mother and sister. They don't know what to do about it, but I say get him out of the picture. Let him live on the streets. Let him see what help he can get because with my father he is unwilling to admit there is a problem. I stressed to my mother how much she should get a divorce and how much it would increase her own indepence away from this degrading miserable situation. With my dad I know the answer.

For you I would say regain indepence and gain perception and knowledge in psychological and mental health. If he is responsive and is cooperative or thankful for the support you offer him than that is a sign that he is willing to change or to show emotion. If he is a stubborn deviant character like my father that attacks my mother at everything she says than I would say he needs to go. I am a care giver to my roommate and he is suicidal/homicidal but he has only improved with my knack at cracking his shell. He even voluntarily went to the hospital this time for an acute manic episode without any advice and is following the doctor's advice and prescriptions and trying his best to be a better person. Most humans want their own independence and to foster that need without creating tension in the house is necessary. Tell him to try some type of Eastern meditation exercise. Find something amusing and not in any bitter way to get him to laugh.

But in general if the airplane crashes put on your oxygen mask before messing around with his.

Hi, I lived with a father who was abusive like that, and it hurt all three of us kids in different ways. My husband recently went through a depressive couple of years, and got very mentally abusive with me, telling me he would just rather kill himself; etc. After him saying this a couple of times, I finally told him that the next time he mentioned suicide, I would call 911, and someone would find out what is wrong with him, as he would be spending a couple of days in the hospital. He had refused counseling, even though I went, refused to talk to his doctor about depression, and I was at the end of my rope. Guess what? It worked, though we struggled for a while. I put him on D3 , and that seems so help a lot. The sunshine vitamin! The first thing is that we have to admit we have a problem, and a lot of people just are too proud to do that. I left him a couple of times and stayed all night with my son and his wife and kids, and also went out of state to my sisters to visit. I think all of these things made him realize that I was really trying to help him, but that I had had enough. If it would have lasted a couple of months more, I would have been living alone. We can only do our best to help them. We can't stick around and take that kind of abuse. Please take care of yourself!!!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have not only dealt with a depressed spouse but have been the depressed spouse as well. I know how hard that can be from both ends. I really commend you for sticking through it because a lot of people would just give up. One thing is that you cannot take someone else's responsibility on yourself. If your spouse is depressed you can't take on guilt for their feelings. I used to stay in a relationship because I was afraid of hurting him and him doing something. I finally convinced myself that I had to be happy and now, 2 years later I am with someone else and so is he and we are both happier because of it. I know the obligation you feel but you need to do what makes you happy. And even if you decide to stay you need to find an outlet of some sort. I go out with my girl friends once a week to get away from everything and have some fun. I hope you can find something to help you on your journey.

Things keep getting better for us, and I think it is a mixture of things. I chose to go back to a church of our childhood where hubby's boyhood boy scout leaders still go. I work and make food for our once a month free dinner at our church, have reconnected with some friends, and have lunch with them, and walk with them or spend a day once in a while going to Amish country. My brother, sister, and I have hired help for my aging parents who refuse to make life easier for themselves and everyone else. They can no longer drive, and are out in the country and refused to move into a condo or assisted living. Basically, I am refusing to take the crap everyone was dishing out to me. It was making me teary all of the time and hating life. Nothing is worse than mental abuse!! I have decided that when and if my daughter decides to make things right with me, after trying to separate her stepdad and I, it is her move. I have tried to connect with the grandson, and she keeps playing games with me, so it is her move. Hubby adopted both kids, and she is acting like it never happened, so I feel that he is still the stepdad. I have cleaned up after her for years, and it is my turn now. I am 60, which is not old today, but I am wanting to live out the rest of my life and enjoy the things I love. We did not go to his company holiday party this past Xmas after having one of the women hang all over me and hang on him kissing him. This particular woman gets drunk at every and all chances, is obnoxious everywhere she goes, has lost custody of her kids, hangs on all the men, touching them and poking them wherever she wants. I feel that my husband has come a long way, and is no longer as depressed, and the mid life crisis is basically over. A lot of things happened that most younger women would not have tolerated as long as I did, but he is worth it. Now, on with life! There are so many things that happen to all of us in life, and we need to calm down, and figure out how to handle them. Everyone deserves happiness, and whether you sleep alone or with that special other person, we should feel happy and cuddly and comfortable with them. If not, then, there is something really wrong. I felt so terrible for so long, and now, I hope I can help others. Looking to buy a nice riding horse this spring for me and my grandkids to share and have fun with. That is my gift to myself for getting through all of this.

Wow a horse. Been lots of changes at my home for the better, for my own independence, as my roommate that I took care of after his hospitalization has regained his abilities after being so drowsy. We even joined the YMCA to work out and swim. Glad to hear you have had some assertive changes at your home, sounds like you are on top of things CJR520. Maybe your daughter will turn around.

Grithnir

Thank You! Sounds like you are doing pretty good yourself! Good for you!!