[michelle421]

hello,

i have recently been feeling really stressed out and overwhelmed with the struggles of my partner's mental health issues. i do so much to try to help make life more manageable (dishes, trash, taking care of the cats, making food, being verbally and physically supportive in times of stress, generally trying to take care of everything) but i feel like lately the depression has been speaking louder than i have. the patterns of negative thinking have become so prevalent in our everyday lives, and i am having a harder time fighting each day it goes on. i just want to have some way to support her without totally draining myself. i feel that the depressed ways of thinking (which i have observed in my parents, and luckily they've been very willing to talk about depression and its sneaky ways) are so hard to fight. but i know it's not her talking... it's the depression taking over and leaving no room for the positive thoughts, or the perspective of love and hope.

my partner has experienced a lot of abuse in her life, and it's something so foreign to me so at times it's hard to understand. the world has been so horrible to her, but i believe that there is hope. unfortunately, i feel that a series of events lately have been escalating the problems and giving her a sense of utter hopelessness. every little thing could potentially be a catastrophe. she's been scared to leave the house (and well, so am i now because i know if i ever do go out with her, every person and every situation could be potentially dangerous. my partner has had a short fuse lately, and she gets very angry when she feels victimized... by everyone and everything...)

it's hard for me to understand the feeling of being a victim all the time. i have such a different perspective on things, so my partner and i just hit a wall in terms of communicating. i feel that lots of people in this world don't pay attention, and many people are pretty selfish, but that doesn't mean that all those people are actively trying to be mean and hurt the people they are around (poor driving or road rage are good examples). however, my partner has been feeling just that - people are hurting her on purpose because she is a bad person and she deserves it. i have no idea where to go from there. i just completely disagree. though i don't want to invalidate her experience or her feelings.

i have been reading up on a lot of different therapy techniques or avenues for help. i know that other people have felt the way she feels. she does take meds and she sees a therapist (one she's seen for many years) and yet last week that also didn't go well, causing more stress. i worry that she isn't willing to talk to her therapist about some difficult things (but it's taken forever for her to even open up to this therapist). i worry that she is giving up because she feels so hopeless and she only sees things getting worse. she is at a point where she just wants herself to believe that she deserves to be hurt and that she won't ever have a home that is safe (lately there have been issues with neighbors) because it's "easier" than trying to believe that she deserves safety. so i'm not sure where to go from here.

i have considered seeing a therapist, but each time i've tried it just does not go well and i can't afford it anyway. i also don't feel i need a therapist... just an objective person to talk to. i think i need someone to talk to who understands. i just want to be able to get these feelings and thoughts off my chest. i don't feel like any of my friends understand what i'm going through with my partner. i also don't want to go around gossiping about my partners issues. so i'm going to give this forum a try. i hope i may be able to let out my thoughts and maybe even get some support or advice from other people too.

thanks so much.

[AShadow721]

It's sounds like your partner needs to try a different medication or increase her dosage or start on one that aids the meds she on. Is she on a medication for PTSD? Because by her anger and fear about neighbors and leaving the house, it sounds like PTSD. Paxil and zoloft are two that are for depression and anxiety as well as PTSD. There are also medications that can help anti-depressants work better. You can only increase the dosage so much and sometimes that's just not enough.

I know you want to help her, but doing everything to make her life easier can also be counter productive sometimes. My ex used to do everything for me. I turned into an infant. Sometimes he'd change my clothes for me or put on my shoes. I was ridiculous. Sometimes, letting a depressed person be "lazy", just feeds the depression.

I would suggest for you to try to take her out for a walk in the sun, but if she's having hypervigilent PTSD, then that can be hard and scary for her. I remember times when I was very hypervigilent and walking to the mailbox was like, uh,.... walking through a crack house in gang teritory, or walking through the frontline in a battle of war, or walking through a minefield.... I was SO scared and kept looking all around me, looking behind me, even if I didn't hear or see anything and I walked as fast as I could.

I think you should try to encourage her to be active and social and productive. Doing those kinds of things really help my depression. Being outside in the sun helps me even more. But from what you describe, she sounds like she has PTSD with depression, so if your looking up therapy techniques, research about PTSD as well.

It doesn't sound like she should get a new T, since she's taken a long time to warm up to this one, but make sure she's comfortable and likes this T.

[michelle421]

thank you! i appreciate your thoughts. i have been thinking that maybe her meds might need to be reviewed. she's sort of between psychiatrists because her previous one is retiring... so, i think i'll just try to be helpful and ask about whether she's tried to set up a new one yet and encourage her to do so.

she does have PTSD, and it's sad because there are so many experiences in her life that have been extremely traumatic. it's just unbelievable. so many different situations (at home from childhood, institutionally, from relationships, and random violence) different abusers, different kinds of abuse, and yet all SO terrible that i can't imagine dealing with any one without major pain and hardship. i feel that a lot of her memories are still very alive emotionally. i did some reading on EMDR therapy, which is really quite incredible. i'm not sure if anyone has any experiences or knowledge of that. i've just read a couple books. my partner did try it a while back but the therapist wasn't good for her (and trying to deal with the most difficult memories with a person that isn't right, it can even be damaging). but i would really like her to try it again. i know it will be her choice, but i can see her suffer and i want her to be able to move forward rather than being pulled back to terrible memories time and again.

my partner also has DID, and lately that hasn't been an issue. she and her other selves are all wonderful and they have great talents, but of course they all have things they struggle with. her last ex was really manipulative (well, many of her exes have been) and it was bad for her and the other parts of her. they were used. =( i love my partner no matter what, and i love her whole self, all of her. i want her to be well, and that means i want her other parts to be well. it has made me happy that she hasn't switched as much lately, because i really like her and i want to be around her. it tells me that she is doing pretty well because the stressful situations and triggers aren't so intense that she feels she has to leave. however, that's also brought some interesting challenges because she is facing a lot more stress and certain kinds of situations that she isn't used to dealing with.

i do want to work on doing housework together. i think that is important and it's a good way to bond and feel responsible with each other. i really love to walk, and i think it's a great suggestion! but my partner has issues with her knees and can't walk much at a time... but she can bike! it's just that i don't bike. anyway... i still think sunshine would help. she's been using a full spectrum light over the winter, but i'd like to get out to the park near our place and just be.

again... i appreciate the feedback and support.

[AShadow721]

It sound like you are a great partner for her. For me, in my past, I've had exboyfriends and exgirlfriends that just didn't care or understand my mental illnesses. They just thought I was crazy and weird because of my past traumas. My husband is really compassinate and supportive and understanding and that is what we, people with mental illnesses, need. I'm glad she has you.

There are members to this site that know about EDMR therapy. I don't know much about it. And I don't think I've ever used it.

I'm glad you accept her DID and her alters. I have just recently met an alter of mine I didn't know was there after having a flashback, then trying to work through another memory. My alter doesn't think I'm ready and doesn't want me to remember what happen. I haven't talked to my alter since that day he came out and cursed me out for trying to remember. I've never been treated or diagnosed with DID. I'm only sure that I dissociate and have had dissociative amnesia in the past. I haven't told my husband about the alter or part yet and I'm afraid to. I don't want him to think I'm crazy. I know he's understanding of everything else, but will he understand this?

I hope your partner gets her meds fixed and finds a new T that's she's comfortable with. You can PM me anytime when you need support, since I can understand what your partner is going through. I've also been abused in childhood, all different kinds, and by an ex, and "friends", and by strangers. I have PTSD and Major Depression, and dissociation. I'm glad you are so supportive of your partner. I hope you two find out something you can do outside together. Maybe go to a zoo. I know at our zoo here, they have open cars or trains to ride in or wheelchairs. Or maybe you could go on a boat or fairee ride. Good luck.

[nonightowl]

Bumping thread...

[BlueRaine]

I think you are doing the right thing coming here to at least be heard. It has helped me greatly just to put down my thoughts without having to stress my partner even more with my anger.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[madisgram]

sounds like a support group provided by your area would help you. they are usually free. hope this helps.