[livlife]

Hi all and if you are reading this....Thank you!

I posted this over in the "Depression" section and someone suggested I check this forum out. I'll take all the help I can get, so here goes...

My husband is clinically depressed. He also has ADHD. He is on meds for both. We've been together for about 7yrs, married for a year and a half. I LOVE him to pieces.

About 3yrs ago he had a falling out with a business associate, this is when I first started noticing some signs of depression. He started drinking, sleeping more, being verbally abusive. I was part in denial, part trying to talk to him to see what I could do to help. Finally he asked me to call a therapist and said he wanted help (yeah!). he stopped drinking cold turkey several months ago. He takes his meds most of the time, and is going to therapy every two weeks. We are also going to couples therapy.

I am struggling to hang on. Living with someone that has depression is so painful. I hurt for him. I want to help him. I've had to watch him lay on the sofa for DAYS on end, not showering, not eating, only getting up to go to the bathroom. He gets very non communicative during these times and any attempts to talk to him end up in him either crying, talking bad about himself, yelling at me,etc..

I want to support him and be there, and work things through. But I don't know if I can take the manipulation and name calling, the lack of sex (thanks to the depression meds) ....I know he has to work on himself...but as a result the relationship between us is dying.

We both are previously married and divorced ..and i don't want to go down that road again. But I've spend too much time on myself working to be happy in this world. I can feel bits of me starting to crash and I just feel alone. I want to help him , but every time I do it seems to make it worse.

To make matters worse, he now says he cannot get a job due to his depression.. We both were self employed before his diagnosis. I am looking every day for a full time job because our self employed business can no longer pay bills. He said he cannot function enough to get a job..in the meantime he had his car repo'd cause he couldn't pay it, and the bill collectors are starting to call. (I still have my car, which I paid off) He said he doesn't care, that his focus is on getting better. That the bills will be there when he's better. Well, I care..I want to pay the bills, so I'm getting a job to hold us together.

Sorry to ramble..sorry to maybe seem as though I am fed up..I'm really just lost. Really just so sad that my husband is in this situation.
thanks for any help.

[liljamie23]

i can't help much, but my hubby was very depressed for 5 years, 4 suiside attemps, so i can relate. his mother and i did have him comitted, that lasted 2 weeks in a hospital. after that he HAD to go see his T and Pdoc. eventually it all worked out. he still has his days tho... don't we all... good luck and hang in there

[muse]

That sounds incredibly hard to deal with! I understand hurting for your significant other, and my girlfriend and I haven't even been together that long, but I know the feeling of hopelessness and pain when they're hurting and you can't do anything to fix it. I guess all I can say in that regard is hang in there, and make sure YOU have someone to talk to, either a therapist or just a really good friend.

How long has he been seeing a therapist, and have you noticed any improvement in that time? If he's been seeing someone for a year or more, especially if he WANTS to improve and is actively attempting to take back his life, he should be getting better, bit by bit. Sometimes it takes people longer, depending on the severity of their depression, but if you're not seeing any change AT ALL it may well be time to consider different meds and/or a new therapist.

In terms of being his primary caregiver and hanging on to your own feeling of self, try to carve out a little piece of each day that is JUST for you. Sometimes that's impossible, especially with all you are responsible for, but even if it's just sitting at a cafe for 30 minutes drinking a latte or something, breathing deeply and relaxing, or reading a nice escapist book, or taking a walk in a lovely park... do at least one thing that's for YOU. It may help you keep up your own emotional and physical strength.

Good luck, and do take care. I hope things get better for you soon!

[claram114]

I actually just entered this site looking for some answers as well. My husband is bipolar. I have been married for three years and I am now experiencing my husband in a majorly depressed state for the first time. I can totally relate to all the things that you talked about! I am at a loss in every aspect, what to say to him, how to help him, how to handle the bills or kids by myself...i don't know what to do and my husband is on meds and completely good about being honest and upfront about his moods but I feel very overwhelmed right now because I don't know what to do or how to proceed with life. I've actually seen my husband mildly depressed before but this time is very different and I am very scared about the future.

[Yoda]

Since he is too depressed to work has he thought about applying for disability? Has he asked his health care provider if they would recommend that?

[Tatyana2009]

All good advice there, I think.

I am sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. And I think its very important you stay realistic. Look at the situation objectively (as possible...).

Well, he is ill. His illness means that he does not cooperate with you on matters at all. It means that you want him to get better and that you strive to maintain a living for both of you and make sure you carry the responsibility.

The sad thing is - this responsibility is not just yours. It does not seem like he is accepting any of this responsibility. When you live with someone you are also responsible for them, not just yourself, and have to stay aware how your situation is affecting the other. He does not do that. Does not think that way. And is very easy with laying that responsibility solely at yours. The sadder thing - as long as you let him, he will carry on.

I bet there are days when you feel - just snap out of it. Take some positive action.

And I wonder whether you still feel attarcted and loving to him (a man who lays on the sofa with no shower and no change of clothe is not an appealing or attractive site... no matter how much you love him). I could live with that for days I think but not for weeks.

It may be that you have to take a step back. Stop enabling the situation by taking full responsibility and either move out or find a way to cater for yourself.

I have to add that depression does not mean abuse. Not all depressed people are abusive. I think this is another issue, and I invite you to think why you tolerate that and how it makes you feel.

You are looking after him and taking all that and he abuses you... that is at all not what marriage is about or friendship.

I know only too well as I was engaged to a person who was depressed, abusive and selfish. Its a nightmare and the only way for me was out. Staying with him meant loosing myself and hurting myself. He was drinking and the verbal abuse was a daily matter in the end, which also escalated to violence (spitting, pushing, poking, throwing the remote control at me, slamming doors at my face, threatening, punching me in the stomach). I am sharing this with you so you know that it is often the case that verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse. Some say that the abuser devalues the partner more and more and reduce them to nothing through verbal abuse so that they have an excuse to become violent and can justify that to themselves. Some say that it escalates because the abuser needs more and more stimultaion and the gain out of the verbal abuse does not give as much fulfilment so they have to escalate to feel the reward. Like a junky.

I am sorry if this sounds gloom. I think its important that you stay realistic, in touch with your feelings, and aware. Dont give him excuses. Protect yourself. Maybe see a T yourself. And do nice things for yourself. Go out with friends.

I hope things will work out. And I hope he will get better. I know you hope that too. And it is this hope that keeps us there. But just remember not to lose yourself in the process and it is your right to be treated with dignity and respect. At all times!

[nonightowl]

There is a book called Depression Fallout you might find helpful. It also has a companion website.

I feel your pain, believe me. I have a depressed boyfriend who has stopped going to therapy over a year ago, and without it he's not going to get better. I think he's relying on his meds which are NOT ENOUGH.

At least he has started exercising again recently, as he had quit THAT too.

I relate to what you're saying except I don't live with him. But others are right about being sure to watch out for your own emotional well-being or you'll get depressed most likely.

I think my bf has to hit rock bottom before HE gets the treatment he needs. HE has to want to get better, to fight this illness.

[LovingWife]

My husband is depressed, also. He hasn't worked in about 2 weeks and I don't see him going back any time soon. We've gone to the Dr. and the Counselor. He's on meds. They aren't working fast enough for me. It is so hard.

I've been reading the posts on this site. Three bits of advice I've gleaned so far. 1) Take care of yourself. He'll still be depressed if you fall apart--or not! 2) There really is no difference between can not and will not. The end result is the same. And 3) maybe it is a good idea to find someone other than friends and family to share your daily ups and downs. It is hard for them not to take sides.

Its nice to come to this community and find others who can relate. Take care and be blessed.

LW

[newtoBD]

We both are previously married and divorced ..and i don't want to go down that road again. But I've spend too much time on myself working to be happy in this world. I can feel bits of me starting to crash and I just feel alone. I want to help him , but every time I do it seems to make it worse.
therapy every two weeks. We are also going to couples therapy.

I relate to this aspect...my hubby recently diagnosed with BD. We got married last summer (2009) and have together for almost 6 years. I'm starting to blame myself for being his caretaker and I enable him and all he does is sneak off and smoke marijuans. God only know what else he is doing when I'm not there.

[nonightowl]

Bumping thread...

[BlueRaine]

One positive aspect is that your husband is willing to get help. Many people won't. Take care of yourself and explore your concerns during the couples sessions in a calm manner and perhaps your husband will at least see that you are worried about him first and foremost but you also need some support. If you feel he cannot give you any help with the bills, I would check into whether a temporary disability status for him would be possible with social security. Good luck and hang in there.

[Weezil]

Hi there,
This is first time that I've posted - I'm new and just signed on. My husband is also suffering with mental health issues. Actually, he has had a history of mental illness since back to the 80's. At that time, he was diagnosed as clinical depression. After 6 episodes and 5 hospitalizations & the last one being in December 2009, his psychatrist explored the possibility of some kind of bi-polar element.

His Dr. put him on Geodon and that made a world of difference. At first everything was doom and gloom, and he was psychotic and delusional. Plus he didn't want to go out of the house (agorophobic) Now the pendulum has swung to the opposite side and it's like he drank WAAAYYY too much coffee. But while I like it on the happy side- it's alot better than the other way. But I would be most happy if it were somewhere in the middle

All this put a great strain on our marriage. As a matter of fact, I got so fed up a few times, that I threatned to leave. Has that happened to anyone out there??

I really could go on and on. i really want to hear from you out there.