[BeatlesFan]

I'm frustrated. Badly.

My girlfriend was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, general anxiety and BPD. She accepts the diagnosis of all except the personality disorder, thinking she is fine. I was surprised by the diagnosis, but when I saw the symptoms, I know this diagnosis is correct. She could be a textbook example.

I didn't expect the battle to get her to seek treatment. I didn't expect the excuses, the attitude, or the rise in my own blood pressure. I didn't expect such an intelligent woman to continue with obvious self-destructive behavior, or behavior that is harmful to my daughter's best interest.

I didn't expect to be a 48 year old man who cries because he doesn't have any answers on how to help the woman he loves. I didn't expect any of this...

Sorry. I just needed to vent for a minute.

[BeatlesFan]

My girlfriend was recently hospitalized and diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and BPD.

I didn't expect all of that. I didn't expect the denial, the arguing, the deliberate attempt to ignore what's best for her. I didn't expect the deliberate attempts to ignore what's best for her daughter.

I didn't expect my blood pressure to be so high after only a week.

I didn't expect her to hear her little girl begging for her to do what's right, and turn away, leaving our daughter crying and asking me why her mom acts like she doesn't love her anymore.

I didn't expect to be 48, spending a Monday evening crying because I am frustrated, upset, and at my wit's end. I try to help - all I do is hear how I am being pushy and how she knows what's best. I try to tell her I love her and support her - and hear her say how if I loved her I would leave her alone. I try to keep her from making choices that will ruin her life, our daughter's life, and my life, and I'm an a-hole. I try to tell her I only want to see her seek the help she knows she needs, and I'm called verbally abusive.

I try to understand...why did this happen to such a beautiful, intelligent, loving, unselfish woman, and I find no answers, only more questions.

Then I have to shed another tear...

I'm sorry. I just had to let it out before it buit up inside too much. I know I am not the first to feel this way, and sadly, I am not the last...

[sabby]

Hi BeetlesFan,

Welcome to PC. I'm so sorry to hear how difficult it is for you and your family right now. If you are feeling alone and scared, it's not unusual, but there are things you can do to help yourself and your daughter and possibly even your wife.

I strongly suggest reading up on the dx'es of your wife's, especially the BPD. Here is a link to some information on PC regarding BPD - http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/sym...lity-disorder/

I'm sure if you google BPD you will find a lot more sites with information as well. In the meantime, keep posting here and in Relationships and Communication and you should get some good support from our members here. Many are in similar situations as yourself (unfortunately for all involved).

Oh, there are also some good books published as well. http://www.amazon.com/Partner-Border.../RH399W2D3UARU

I think the more you research and learn about the disorder, the more power you will have in making the decisions you will have to make in the future.

I wish you well and hope you find the support you are looking for!

[Dmoonchild]

Im sorry but there are many "things" that happen in life that we dont expect. We dont expect t get breast cancer and have their husband blow their head off because he cant handle it. We dont expect to have a sinal disorder at 39 yrs old and in a wheelchair with 2 children ages 3 & 4 . We dont expect a tsunami on boxing day to kill several of your loved ones. These things are part f life. We cannot control everything, but we can learn to deal, cope and most important continue to love and support those who need us the most, when they need us the most. Im so sorry you are going through this. We cannot control the world we can control how we deal with it.

[disguise123]

wow, ok that was just slightly harsh ^


Anyway mate its all very very hard to take.
You need support too right now to be able to support her. Maybe right now just for a minute you need to back off on pushing her to get help for the personality disorder, is she willing to get help for the PTSD?

[EmptyReflection]

Originally Posted by BeatlesFan

My girlfriend was recently hospitalized and diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and BPD.

I didn't expect all of that. I didn't expect the denial, the arguing, the deliberate attempt to ignore what's best for her. I didn't expect the deliberate attempts to ignore what's best for her daughter.

I didn't expect my blood pressure to be so high after only a week.

I didn't expect her to hear her little girl begging for her to do what's right, and turn away, leaving our daughter crying and asking me why her mom acts like she doesn't love her anymore.

I didn't expect to be 48, spending a Monday evening crying because I am frustrated, upset, and at my wit's end. I try to help - all I do is hear how I am being pushy and how she knows what's best. I try to tell her I love her and support her - and hear her say how if I loved her I would leave her alone. I try to keep her from making choices that will ruin her life, our daughter's life, and my life, and I'm an a-hole. I try to tell her I only want to see her seek the help she knows she needs, and I'm called verbally abusive.

I try to understand...why did this happen to such a beautiful, intelligent, loving, unselfish woman, and I find no answers, only more questions.

Then I have to shed another tear...

I'm sorry. I just had to let it out before it buit up inside too much. I know I am not the first to feel this way, and sadly, I am not the last...

Not speaking as a caretaker here, but someone who was in a similar position to your wife, at one point.

It took years for my schizoaffective dx to really sink in, for me to really grasp it in its entirety. At first, there was a sort of casual acceptance ("Eh, that explains a lot about some hard times I've had."), but I don't think it really hit home for a long, long time. I'm pretty sure my wife had a better grasp on it than I did, and she took her own pace in getting me to accept it. I was fortunate in that, but you and she share a similar position (if not at different points in time), in that she had to get it through my thick skull that I was, in fact, ill in some way, and not being stalked by any number of imaginary phantasms that only I knew about.

Point being, it's tough to be told you have something severely wrong with you, and it tends to have one of two effects:

- We cannot parse it, and break down until we can, or
- We ignore it, and hope it goes away ("maybe the doctor was wrong!")

Since those thoughts are so dominant, we tend to overlook the things that really matter (in my case, my marriage and kids), and that's just as damaging to you (the spouse/children/family/etc) as it is to me (the diagnosed), if not more so.

I wish I had a magical answer to make it easier to deal with, I really do. If I knew it, I'd probably know a way to invent time-travel to go back, and beat it into my own head. Still, as hard as it is, it can be overcome. A lot of spouses/family in these situations simply give up, and that you haven't speaks volumes about how much you care for your wife. Just remember to take of you, too.

Best wishes, BeatlesFan.

[LivingLife]

Hi BeatlesFan: I had an extremely bi-polar father, raged, emotionally violent person, with a pers disorder or 2 .......mom was a mess raising 6 kids and drank. I have several siblings with bi-polar. The bi-polar will ask for help, then want you out of their lives, then rage that nobody cares and they can't think straight and can't live life or make decisions, then when you try to help, you get emotionally beat up and raged at and told you are trying to control them...I've even been called evil. THAT IS THE DISORDER....that is what bi-polar LOOKS LIKE. It is horrible to the person and to anyone involved that cares...people who are apathetic or don't care, don't really love them, and they don't get hurt. Love hurts in this case. It is great she got to the hospital and a Dx. Your daughter could use some professional help to help her undertand her mother's illness and that she is a good kid, not her fault. Best to you, I really understand........truly I do.

[Briansmom]

You just have to keep telling yourself that it is the illness when she gets upset and doesn't want your help. Don't give up, you need to keep on her to get her to accept that she needs help. Sometimes just giving it all a little break and not talk about it for a couple of days may help. I have found as a supported it is important to educate yourself. You would be amazed at how much info is out there. It is a very difficult illness to deal with but hang in there. Depending on your daughter's age you may want to take her for some help. I took all three of my children when my ex was real bad. Now my youngest 26y/o has the illness too So I have been dealing with this for over 30 years. Sometimes I feel that I can't handle it anymore but you will find the strength. Don't forget to take care of yourself too!! It helps to talk with others dealing with the same issues.

[SoupDragon]

She sounds really lucky to have someone like you caring for her. I guess these things just take time and patience.

Juts make sure you find time for you, it can be emotionally draining supporting someone through this - so if you can, put aside a few minutes a day, a day a week to go out and do something you enjoy, where you can let of steam and re-charge your batteries.