[2much2takealone]

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He has anxiety disorder, panic attacks, depression and a drinking problem. Lately his overall mental health issues have intensified due to recent conflicts with his family. He expects me to be the "pillar of strength" while he falls completely apart. We have 2 kids in college, 5 businesses, my dad has recently completed his Chemo/Radiation therapy and my mom just started hers. He wants me to make all of the decissions and deal with his family, keep the businesses a float, stay on top of the housework and deal with my ailing parents. When he drinks he says he knows he's a mess and needs help, but the next day he refuses to talk to anyone except his bar buddies. This has gone on for so long that I am starting to loose empathy or compassion which bothers me. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[CindyLuWho]

Call a local support group for caregivers. Do you have family that can help with Mom and Dad? Call your Senior Resource Center. You deserve a day off too! Book it at the spa and let the world run without you for a day!

[beatpeace]

My heart aches for you. I am in the very same situation (29 years married) , except that my husband currently HATES me. I think he is so angry that he is ill and that I am not that he just can't deal with it. He can pull it together to go to work, be nice to the grandchildren and smile at the children but to me he can only muster anger and hatred.

I wish I could offer you some advice and things to help you, but you have been living with this a long time and know that there are not any miracle cures out there.

I am also tired. Very very tired of holding everything together, making all decisions AND being blamed when it is the wrong decision.

Today, I realized that I have two choices. 1. Make changes that I want made in my life 2. Let him continue on this path and just wait it out for the kids sake.
I know I am not ready to disrupt the kids lives and this is a very complicated situation. I feel abused and sad......

How do you manage to get through day to day? How do you not allow those negative feelings to come out when you speak to him? My husband never speaks to me so I am lucky that way.

I wish I could offer you more!

Originally Posted by 2much2takealone

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He has anxiety disorder, panic attacks, depression and a drinking problem. Lately his overall mental health issues have intensified due to recent conflicts with his family. He expects me to be the "pillar of strength" while he falls completely apart. We have 2 kids in college, 5 businesses, my dad has recently completed his Chemo/Radiation therapy and my mom just started hers. He wants me to make all of the decissions and deal with his family, keep the businesses a float, stay on top of the housework and deal with my ailing parents. When he drinks he says he knows he's a mess and needs help, but the next day he refuses to talk to anyone except his bar buddies. This has gone on for so long that I am starting to loose empathy or compassion which bothers me. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[madisgram]

so sorry you've got such an overwhelming load right now,.unfortunately his drinking won't fix his depression but only make it worse. been there done that. as for feeling less compassion for him that's understandable. he needs to take responsibilty for his dx's and get on with it. sounds tough but it's not your job to be his mother or nursemate. i'd take care of the many things you listed and let him take care/or not care for himself. otherwise you're carrying too much of a load. your parents need you right now and they are your priority, imho. they are seeking medical help. sounds like your hubby is being his own pdoc and T. it won't work that way. hope he figures that out.

[SakuraLi]

Im sorry you are having so much trouble. Could you hire someone to manage the operations of your businesses? Also, i would suggest you take time to rejuvenate your spirit each day. at least a half hour to an hour of peace and solitude. if u dont, all these things will weigh heavy on your soul and keep hurting you in the long run. good luck and i hope you are able to give yourself some you time.

[cooper610]

I'm with you. It's tough trying to hold everything together. Sometimes I just want to scream. Nothing seems to get through to him. I've been married 39 years and would never have thought this would happen to him. He has always been so tough and strong and never cutting anyone any slack. But he never expected anymore of you than he did of himself. He doesn't drink thank goodness, but the depression and anxiety are overwhelming. He's trying to work but I'm worried he'll get hurt. Dangerous job, power line construction. His memory and recall are very bad right now. We went to get some candy for the grandkids over the weekend and he was lost once we turned into the shopping center area. He was driving and ask me if he was on the right side of the road which scared me. So I'm driving now. Let me say he's just 57. Don't know what's going on with him. Has appointment with neurologist in December (earliest we could get) for further evaluation. I try to encourage him but he tosses every positive thing you say aside. I'm trying but its hard. He's overly emotional towards me almost smothering me. I wish you the best and am praying for you.

http://helpguide.org/elder/caring_for_caregivers.htm
http://www.strengthforcaring.com/man...s-a-caregiver/
http://www.caregiver.com/articles/pr..._to_say-no.htm
http://www.medicare.gov/caregivers/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/burn...s_symptoms.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/elder/respite_care.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print

[okaydorothy]

Oh my gosh that sounds like my life. I am 45, dh is 47. Tomorrow he is coming home after 5 days in a clonic for depression. I am dreading it. I hope I can hold it all together and help him get better but I am exausted.
I am angry now. We have two great kids who are still in elementary school. I have a business and am also a landlord. Dh ; he walked away from the business as he couldnt handle it anymore ; that was 5 years ago. He didnt want to sell a house, so we kept it ; needless to say I am dealing with the tenants. We moved our office home and rented out another house ; another tenant.
Now he wants to move back to europe and guess who will have to do the whole move. While I love the thought and idea of it, I dont think I can do anymore alone. I went back to school last year and had to withdraw this semester from some class because of his depression.
At what stage do I say enough? I still care for him ; have been together for over 25 years but to be totally selfish, I am tired.

[SakuraLi]

My heart goes out to all the women with husbands with depression and SZ and similar conditions. You are very strong and I admire your courage for holding out hope. I`ve been with my boyfriend who has SZ for 7 1/2 its been a battle for the early part of the relationship. But now things are ok for the most part especially after some recent relationship rough patches have subsided after many months. But I wonder what motivates us to stay with such challenging men? I can`t imagine what it would be like being with a man 20+ years with such issues like that even though I`m nearing the half way mark myself with scares me. Looking back in hindsight I know my dad had some post traumatic stress issues from his military service during the time I was growing up (I didnt know what was wrong with him i just thought he was the meanest person ever) looking back i can imagine his problems prevented him from having healthy involved relationships with us kids and my mom. my mom is such a brave trooper the way she just ignored the bs and accepted the good (her mantra was: at least he provides well for the family and doesnt miss a beat in that regard) but i believe the trade off is he let his relationship with his family go to ****. But my point is at what point is it ok to give up? I know everyone has a diff reason for staying but it seems like for many of us staying is worse than leaving. Whats wrong with leaving before a guy drags us completely to hell with him? I still need to think about my answer to that. Also, women who have kids with a husband with emotional and mental problems ask the kids how they feel about their dad, this can be done gently and with respect for their father too. If they are afraid of him or feel stressed out and uneasy around him that could be a good reason to leave if its possible to do so financially. As a women who grew up with a dad with similar issues I can say sometimes its OK to split for the kids sake. Other times the men are great with their children and bad with their wives.

[Sad_Spouse]

Originally Posted by 2much2takealone

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He has anxiety disorder, panic attacks, depression and a drinking problem. Lately his overall mental health issues have intensified due to recent conflicts with his family. He expects me to be the "pillar of strength" while he falls completely apart. We have 2 kids in college, 5 businesses, my dad has recently completed his Chemo/Radiation therapy and my mom just started hers. He wants me to make all of the decissions and deal with his family, keep the businesses a float, stay on top of the housework and deal with my ailing parents. When he drinks he says he knows he's a mess and needs help, but the next day he refuses to talk to anyone except his bar buddies. This has gone on for so long that I am starting to loose empathy or compassion which bothers me. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Hi 2much2takealone-

I just thought that I would write to you and ask how you are doing. I can relate to loosing compassion. I find mine waxing and waning for my depressed husband (who has told me to my face that he doesn't love me). I hope you were able to get through the holidays as painlessly as possible. I don't know how you have made it this many years.

SS

[SnickersMomma]

Originally Posted by okaydorothy

Oh my gosh that sounds like my life. I am 45, dh is 47. Tomorrow he is coming home after 5 days in a clonic for depression. I am dreading it. I hope I can hold it all together and help him get better but I am exausted.
I am angry now. We have two great kids who are still in elementary school. I have a business and am also a landlord. Dh ; he walked away from the business as he couldnt handle it anymore ; that was 5 years ago. He didnt want to sell a house, so we kept it ; needless to say I am dealing with the tenants. We moved our office home and rented out another house ; another tenant.
Now he wants to move back to europe and guess who will have to do the whole move. While I love the thought and idea of it, I dont think I can do anymore alone. I went back to school last year and had to withdraw this semester from some class because of his depression.
At what stage do I say enough? I still care for him ; have been together for over 25 years but to be totally selfish, I am tired.

Hugs to you! I identified with you in reading your letter. I am 49, been married 27 years. Our three children are raised, but unfortunately, have the genetics of the mental health issues. I can identify with the feelings of needing to hold it together. It takes it toll on you as the years go by. I, also, have had to gather up my own strength and move on with life, all the while the husband is sitting in the background - watching me exhaust myself and does nothing to help himself. I don't think there is any black and white answer to 'when do I say enough'. I chose to stay in the marriage for the greater good of our children. Looking back, I have no regrets on that decision. Yet, on the other hand, so many years of my life have gone by that I resent because he chose NOT to get help.
Much hope that the in-patient clinic will bring long lasting results. Would like to know how things are going?

[Briansmom]

Originally Posted by beatpeace

My heart aches for you. I am in the very same situation (29 years married) , except that my husband currently HATES me. I think he is so angry that he is ill and that I am not that he just can't deal with it. He can pull it together to go to work, be nice to the grandchildren and smile at the children but to me he can only muster anger and hatred.

I wish I could offer you some advice and things to help you, but you have been living with this a long time and know that there are not any miracle cures out there.

I am also tired. Very very tired of holding everything together, making all decisions AND being blamed when it is the wrong decision.

Today, I realized that I have two choices. 1. Make changes that I want made in my life 2. Let him continue on this path and just wait it out for the kids sake.
I know I am not ready to disrupt the kids lives and this is a very complicated situation. I feel abused and sad......

How do you manage to get through day to day? How do you not allow those negative feelings to come out when you speak to him? My husband never speaks to me so I am lucky that way.

I wish I could offer you more!

Don't stay for the children's sake. If you are being abused either mentally or physically, you are not helping the children by staying. Take it from someone who knows, I stayed 13 years and ended up almost dead. I did everything humanly possible to get him help. He has to want it himself. Good luck!