adult child of narcissistic father

There is no easy solution to this unfortunately. At least you understand that he is a narcissist and that he will never change. That is the first step. Acknowledging and accepting that will allow you to start healing but it is only the first step in what will be a very long journey home to your true self. They say that no contact is the best approach because they have an amazing ability to derail you and set you back every time you do have contact. That may not be easy to do for whatever reason but is the best approach. These people know how to hit where it hurts and the best thing I can suggest is to focus on yourself and stuff him. He knows he has control over you but only if you allow him to have control. If you take that control away by being more independent then that would be a step in the right direction. The healing journey will be slow as you will have to process a lot of feelings and come to terms with your situation. You might want to consider therapy as I think this would help. In the meantime just stay strong and true to your self.

Thank you so much for your reply, Jannaku. It really means a lot. It is comforting to know that you (and others) know where I am coming from. I agree about not being in touch with him right now; that is really what my Self is telling me to do. Ever since this happened I have been having unsettling dreams, either random weird ones or ones about him hating and rejecting me. That is how I know I have not thoroughly worked through it yet, as my dreams have always been a great indicator of what's going on internally. Thus, I would like to start therapy again, as you said. It's complicated though because I was an intern at the counseling center on campus (I am currently in graduate school for Clinical Mental Health Counseling), and so I don't think I can receive services there anymore, and I do not have the money to pay someone off campus. But I am going to try and find a way because I really need the therapy at this time.

Thank you again for your insight and support. You have already helped me more than you'd think!

My father is a narcissist and bits and pieces of all these stories feel familiar, and I have so much empathy for everyone who has shared in this forum. I didn't know until I was 25 that there was a word for my dad's behavior, I always just thought he was a mean person. My parents divorced when I was 8, he moved out of our house but my dad never acknowledged the divorce or signed any papers for the next 11 years. He is nothing but a controlling and manipulative person who uses any scrap of leverage he can find to try and manipulate everyone around him. He was downright cruel to my mother and my sisters and I growing up, always using fake "affection" as a way to get us to do what he wanted. It took a while for me to realize even his most sincere praise and love was fake and was used as tools. It's hard to realize as a young adult that your father doesn't love you and never has. But I've learned enough about him to know that it has nothing to do with me, he's genuinely incapable of love or feeling compassion towards another person, even his family members. He takes every chance he can find to make himself the center of attention, and it's just sad. Even all of my baby videos are my mother filming myself or my sisters and him jumping in front of the camera trying to steer the attention toward himself. To date, this is still how every family event goes. He talks over everyone and proudly boasts about himself in odd ways and becomes scathing and insulting when someone else is receiving attention other than him. The only thing he holds closer to his heart than his racism is his sexism, and being a woman and having 2 sisters, he constantly said terrible things about women growing up and did everything he could to try and make me feel deeply ashamed about my body, especially when puberty hit. Once I entered high school I had matured enough to put a lot of emotional and physical distance between us, and the only time I saw him was at dinners, with him surrounded by his friends and him basking in the attention. He would tell lies and pretend that we were incredibly close and that he was a wonderful father. He only wanted his kids around when there was an audience (his friends and co-workers) there to watch his performance of "look what an excellent father I am!" He would take these moments to shower us with false praise and gifts. He'd whip out checks for thousands of dollars and give us presents and call us names like "sweetheart"- but only when others were watching. These were the only moments we ever had contact with him. Outside of these performances we never saw him and he had nothing to do with our lives. We played along because we knew we would get things out of it, but deep down it really hurt and I wanted so badly to expose him for the manipulative liar that he was. I'm a much more healed person now, I went off to college and basically cut off contact with him. I majored in Women's Studies and found so many empowering female role models there and I can honestly say that I think most of the damage he's done to me has healed over. I'm sorry for rambling but I've never had an opportunity to talk about my father outside of my family before and it feels good to have somewhere to tell my story instead of holding it in. I genuinely hope that everyone in this forum can find their own paths toward healing and feeling loved in their lives.

Wow, very similar here for me as well. I'm a 23 year old just now dealing with the severance of my father. For far too long, it was all about him and how we could make him happy. My parents actually are undergoing a really horrible divorce and it's been almost two years, and for one reason or another, it just hasn't been finalized. My dad actually cheated on my mother with a woman in Colorado with 5 children, whom was also married. My dad informed my mother after a long torturous 22 years of marriage that he had found someone else, and kicked all of us out so that he could move her and her kids in with him. It was plan between the two of them. All my childhood, my father had mental health issues that needed to be addressed--as well as drug abuse issues. He was a high-functioning mental case in society, able to hold down jobs, but did get fired from a couple of them. My mom had to dote on him hand and foot in regards to his addictions and mental needs. He went through numerous doctors and methods of medication, all of which never worked for him. Everything was constantly centered on how much my father needed..my mom was an enabler and completely at wits end because she was trapped with the responsibility of caring for 4 children and trying to help accommodate my father's instability so that he would continue to work and provide for the needs of the family. On her income alone, it wasn't enough. They were in constant battle over finances, especially since all of my dad's "needs" HAD to be met, such as his narcissistic self-idealization of himself about becoming the next big "rock star". Month after month, we would be without adequate food supply because he insisted that money be spent on the latest technology or guitar that could help him improve his musical performance, and eventually make him the next big thing. I hardly ever got to see him--he would be locked up in his room on the days he was off, playing music obsessively and smoking dope. We wouldn't dare knock on his door to talk to him because he would become instantly pissed that we were disrupting his alone-time of "creativity". It was pretty delusional. He never could keep his friends because he was always better than they were. He never go along with people at work because he was better than they were. I was a very shy, insecure person once I hit puberty, and my actions only proved I was suffering from my need to feel accepted and loved. I never had friends that ever met my father's expectations. I dates boys in the hopes that I'd feel loved, which in turn only bit me in the butt. Of course my father was protective and overbearing about whom I could date, when I could date, and whom I could associate with. I had no respect for him at this point, because I felt like someone with that high of expectations should have at least been a decent character when he was growing up. He would glorify his drug abuse as a teen and early adult...Once I made the mistake of losing my "pearl" at 14 years old, my father decided he was going to swoop in and be the dad he never was. Not only did he humiliate me and make me feel horrible about it, he completely stopped talking to me for months. I was humiliated and beyond heart-broken. It took many more horrible attempts of dehumanizing the people I befriended and dated in my life before I decided to get the hell out of the house at 18 years old. Once my father threw the new-found relationship he developed with my mom, (I was about 21) we all left him in the home that he wanted to himself. Prior to all of this he would engage in intoxication (wine or beer, whatever worked financially) and run around the house where ever my sister, mom, and I were and tell us how much we were pieces of ****, never listened to him and his authority, and called us *****s, and that we would never amount to anything. Once we left that, we received phone calls from him blubbering drunk, crying, upset at us for leaving him allll alone to deal with his dog dying and alone in misery. He asked to be alone, so why was this our fault now? It took more forgiveness, I met his now gf and her children, and tried to make amends. Well, I was married in Nov. of last year. Of course every daughter would have her father walk her down the aisle at her wedding. I asked him, he agreed, and about a week before my wedding his gf emailed me stating that they had his tux and everything ready to go. I was shocked but happy, because all of my life, my father never participated in anything that involved me. He would never go to my cheer meets or any of my school events. His excuse was that he had too much anxiety and it would be too much for him to make it. Anyway, when I heard that he was actually going to make it to my wedding, I get another email the day before my wedding from his gf, telling me that he wouldn't be able to make it and that he had way too much anxiety and worry about what people would think of how he and my mom divorced to be able to go to my wedding. I cried for a looong time. It took my mother-in-law to console me and make me feel a little better. I called my brother up and asked him if he could please walk me down the aisle, to which he agreed. Even after all, that I forgave my father, stupidly thinking it would make us closer. Well just a couple days ago, I came to the conclusion that I would no longer speak to him. It started with emails from his gf back and forth, complaining to me that he was accusing her of cheating--which is ridiculous, because he basically has manipulated enough to the point where she's not even allowed to leave the house if he isn't with her. She isn't even allowed to work, for fear that a man will hit on her. I was asked by her to pray for him, and I was confused as to why he was suddenly not returning message. He's not a phone kind of guy. She said that because of his complete "shut-down" (otherwise a way to manipulate someone to get what he wants) she was afraid that they were going to lose their relationship and so they both decided to completely stop all FB contact. I was upset because this was pretty much the only way my father would communicate with me, and I felt like completely shutting everyone else out based on what was going on with them was wrong. I let her know-since she likes to be the middle man and that was my first mistake--that I was no longer interested in trying to make a relationship work with my father when at the drop of a hat his feelings for everyone else can change based on his personal problems. Initially, she was very understanding. Then a couple hrs later, she emails me back insulting me about my past as a 14 yr old, accusing me of being a *****, and asking me if I could count how many people I've been with. Then she goes on to tell me how much my father has been victimized in this whole situation, and it's because of "disgusting women" in his life that he has had to deal with that have caused him to blame her for things that she doesn't do. She told me I owed him an apology and that she was pissed. I wrote back promptly, informing her that my relationship with my father had nothing to do with her, and I will no longer put up with this. I told her to never speak to me again. THIS IS THE MOST FREEING FEELING, knowing that I will not allow for strangers, and my stranger father to berate my character anymore. I've suffered far too much self-esteem wise, and have recovered so much from getting away from it all. My mom is also the happiest she has ever been and actually takes care of herself now. It's amazing how horribly toxic people can be in our lives, but I feel enlightened here by reading these other accounts, and glad to know that there is an actual diagnosis for people like this. It's amazing...Thanking God for the revelations!

I found this board several months ago as I was trying to figure out what my father's real issue is, and you all nailed it. I'm sorry there are so many people struggling, but I am crying in relief (again) that I'm not alone.

I'm not the crazy one. I'm not an awful person. No matter what he says or who he turns against me, I know my truth.

I've spent years in therapy. I've been depressed and suicidal (He wouldn't allow me to stay in the hospital or be treated because it would reflect poorly on him) and left home at 17 to escape the abuse. I'm now 41 and realizing that in addition to everything else I've forgiven and walked away from, he was sexually abusive to me on at least two occasions. I AM in therapy again and am on my path to healing, but as I won't allow him to see my children, he has become very belligerent and is attacking on all fronts. Which means, of course, that he's telling people I'm a liar, I'm unstable, I'm negative and he had to cut me out of his life... If you're here, you know the story. He's the poor sad victim of a terrible child who has wronged him. And he's an expert at charming people who will listen. My sisters are still struggling to please him at every turn and revel in the fact that all his wrath is directed at me now.

He went so far as to call my ex tonight and say, "Those kids are half yours. You can do what you want. You don't have to listen to her." The ex told him he would not get in the middle and would respect my wishes. So, that's a bright spot. Of course, the ex has seen the behavior firsthand and doesn't want our children exposed to the same treatment -- or even be witnesses to it. When a 7 year old says, "Why is Grandpa so nice to everyone and so mean to you?" you know it's time to walk away.

And I did. That was two years ago, but he keeps coming back. I'm not like him or my sisters and I am SO OKAY WITH THAT. I just want him to go away, but he needs to win. He needs to keep me under his thumb and "obedient." But as I've read over and over here, cutting them off and walking away seems to be the best way we can care for ourselves, and that's what I'll continue to do.

I could go on and on... and maybe I will sometime, but after this terrible day, I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories and for reminding me that I'm not alone. I'm a valuable person, a hard worker, a good mom, and I help my community. I'm still escaping my past and the lifetime of punishment I "won" with my genetic lottery ticket, but I'm one step further down the road than I was yesterday. We all are.