[Dreamy01]

When me and my ex were together I was aware he had anger issues and was very self absorbed. He was very critical of me and verbally abusive. He could be so cruel it was almost unreal.

We split up after six years as it became so unbearable to live with him. We have a child together who is disabled. My ex was abusive for a time after we split but settled down after a while and we remained amicable. He can be very nice but is not to be trusted as he simmers under the surface and lashes out in very underhand ways.

Unfortunately my own health problems have meant my ex and his new girlfriend have taken over care of my son during the week. It's a long story and very complicated, but I have only ever been honest and upfront with them. Unfortunately my ex has taken this as a power trip and repeatedly accuses me of being a neglectful mother. He has ridiculed my health problems too.

I have always been against seeking legal advice due to making the situation worse for my son and myself. My son has a very involved social worker who is committed to finding the best way forward but she has lately stuck up for my ex even when he verbally attacked me in front of her, saying 'he needed to express his feelings now we can all move on.' I understand she may be looking at what is best for my son but I feel she is letting him dicate my life. Or maybe I am letting him but I feel I have no support. My ex now looks at everything I do for our son when he wasn't even on the scene properly until two years ago and I didn't know his girlfriend until three years ago.

The tables have now turned and I don't know what to do. I have always wanted to keep the peace for the sake of my son...always. But a friend of mine says I let my ex bully me, walk all over me etc, and the social worker seems blinkered too and is very much in favour of my ex and what he can do. My feelings and frustrations over my situation and how painful it has all been ( and giving up my son has been agony ) have been totally forgotten.

Do I seek legal advice on where I stand? There is more to the story than this but I can't go into it all. I wonder whether legalising everything will help or make it worse when an ex has NPD? How do I manage this bullying behaviour whilst not making it worse for my son?

[Perna]

I don't know what outcome you would like. If you cannot and are not caring for your son most of the time (during the week), then your influence has to, by default, lessen. You could go to a lawyer and straighten it out but, with your ex-husband caring for your son most of the time, I don't know what would change? No one can/will interfere if your ex calling you names and verbally bullying you; as the social worker says, he's "allowed" to say whatever he feels. You broke up because you could not get along and nothing has changed there.

What do you want? You can't really suggest that your ex- take care of your son most of the time but keep his mouth shut and you still have the greatest influence, that won't work? If he has not been diagnosed with a mental illness that would make him a real threat to your son (who has not the ability or experience yet to "fight back" for himself or state how he feels and set boundaries that you do) then I don't know what use legal could have. If you have a T of your own, I would discuss the situation with them.

Someone has to take care of your son; if you cannot, it sounds like your ex- or social services has to and when either of those have care, they get it all the way during that time, you don't get to control from the sidelines.

[Jannaku]

Hi. I am so sorry to hear of your story and the obvious stress it has and still is causing you. Be prepared to fight - when I say that if your ex is a narcissist they will do whatever it takes to win because they will never accept to lose. Stay in control of your emotions (if you can) and play the game the right way. Try not to anger him, contradict him, criticise him or anything else that could set off a rage episode as that will not be worth it for you or your son. I have learnt from living with my narcissistic H that if I want any semblance of a "normal & harmonious" life I just have to bite my tongue and control my anger. If you can stay in control in that way it will give you more strength and allow you to think clearer and not emotionally overreact as I have done many times with regret. Speak with someone who can give you advice regarding the legalities etc and please remain calm and rational because he will swoop if he can see your weaknesses. It may be a difficult and long road ahead but stay true to yourself, never give up hope and take each day as it comes. All the best