[Maven]

I'm going to try to keep this short, because I need to get to sleep, but I wanted to get this posted, in hopes of having some responses tomorrow night.

I have severe OCD and panic disorder, and my mom is 79 and in poor health. She lives in a small apartment for the elderly and disabled, but she mostly relies on me to take her to doctors and buy stuff for her. I love her, but with my OCD, it's really stressing me out. I want her to allow a service to help her with these things, but she balks at paying money for it. She has a lady who cleans her home (only, not really) that she doesn't have to pay for, but it's not enough. My mom can't properly care for herself.

She's mad at my sister because my sister mentioned a nursing home, but she wasn't saying my mom should go into one, she was saying it was one option. I know my mom doesn't want that, so I'm not trying to push her into one. I just want her to get some home care specialists, even if it costs money she hoped to pass to my sister and me one day.

Also, yesterday, my sister called, and we got to discussing my mom. My mom's given me a lot of things she didn't want me to tell my sister, and it puts me in a bad spot, because I don't like taking sides. However, I told my sister some of the things my mom told me, like giving quite a lot of money to a family member who owes money to my boyfriend (he was being kind and lent her a decent sum of money, but now she can't pay it back, even though I learned yesterday from my sister that that family member just bought a condo!) and she's got to know she won't get that money back, either. I didn't want to betray my mom, and asked my sister not to tell my mom I told her, but I feel overwhelmed and overburdened to have all these secrets that come from misunderstandings with my sister. My sister doesn't want my mom to be "put away," she just wants her to have proper aid.

I need her to find someone else to help. I feel terrible about this. She gave me her car, partly because she didn't want to drive anymore (and I'm not sure it was a good idea for her to continue driving, either, with the shape she's in), and partly to do things for her. I'd give her the car back if I didn't have to do these things. I'm stressed, tired, and I hate feeling "dirty" because of my OCD. My OCD is much better than it used to be, but it's still very hard to deal with. I'm on all kinds of medications that cause me lots of side effects, including wanting to sleep most of the day and having little sex drive. I don't want her to feel sad or lonely, but I'm really struggling. She's never really understood my OCD and panic. She used to make fun of me for it when she was angry at me. Right now, when she's using up her energy trying to do simple things like standing up or bending to reach something on the floor even though she's sitting, she gets cranky and snaps at me, even though I've told her my OCD is why I can't help.

There's more, but I'm going to stop here, because this is longer than I intended, and I need to get to sleep. Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

[possum220]

Your Mum doesn't want to pay for services, but you are paying the price by by being stressed about it. Let your Mum know that you are struggling and she needs to pay for services to help you out. I have been where you are and it is extremely hard.

Can your sister help out? Talk to the people who provide these services. Maybe they can talk to your Mum on your behalf? My heart goes out to you.

[Maven]

Thanks, Possum. Sorry I didn't get back to you right away. I've been too tired to get on the computer lately, but I am catching up tonight.

My mom is the type who is likely to start crying (and thus, I'd feel guilty) because she doesn't want to be a burden and would probably feel like she'd have to be stuck in her little apartment all the time. She specifically likes to spend time with me, which is nice, but I don't like people to be attached to me, just like I don't want to be attached to someone. I've always been that way, and when someone clings to me, I suffer anxiety and stress, and become miserable. When I try to separate myself, people think I'm cold and mean. I'm not. I'm trying to keep that attachment from getting too strong before it becomes a problem, but that's not always easy.

Every time I try to suggest my mom get help, she snaps at me about the cost. I don't know what the cost is, and I don't know if Medicare will help cover it, but she spouts prices like "$10 an hour" or "$30 an hour."

My sister lives in Kentucky (I'm in NJ) and wasn't raised by my mom. She was raised by an aunt, and she doesn't get along with my mom all that well. My mom has talked about disowning her (although that kind of talk comes and goes), because she believes my sister is pushing to put her in a nursing home. She's not, but she was talking about options for my mom. I've tried to explain that to my mom, but she can be stubborn. I'm pretty sure she has some mental issues, plus she was one of twelve children, and from what I'm told, didn't get the attention she deserved when she was a kid.

I'm going to look into these services and try to get some concrete information. I know I'll be confused by a lot of it, because stuff about insurance and whatnot goes over my head usually, but maybe I'll get something I can use. Thanks again for responding.