[Llewelyn Moss]

I found this site while trying to figure out or prove to myself that my wife is a Narc.
We have been to counseling because I insisted that the choices are counseling or divorce.
I told her that I think she is a Narc
and of course, she doesn't believe me.
This email chain pretty much sums up where I am now.
Narc:
Hey you. Did you make in to work today? I'm worried about you. Can I do anything to help you? It's obvious you are in a deep depression. I can't stand to see you this way. I care about you so much. Please let me help you. Disappearing out of your life isn't going to make what we had together go away. We love each other. I promised to be by your side no matter what. Let me help you. Please.
Me:
Depressed? Probably so. Does this sound a bit like me?

1.Headaches, backaches, muscle fatigue, and stomach aches.
2.Nausea, irritable bowels, diarrhea, or constipation.
3.Increased susceptibility to colds and other illnesses because chronic stress is weakening your immune system.
4.Insomnia and other sleep disturbances such as ruminative thought or bad dreams.
5.A pervasive sense of anxiety, dread, fear, worry, and/or panic attacks.
6.Depression, the blues, grief, or feeling hopeless about the future.
7.Feelings of helplessness, weakness, and being trapped.
8.Feeling disoriented, confused, and/or overwhelmed.
9.Isolating yourself from others, not communicating with friends and family.
10.Feeling emotionally detached, shut down or numb.
11.Feeling overwhelmed or flooded by feelings that are disproportionate to the situation.
12. Feelings of indifference, fatalism, cynicism, or pessimism
Narc:
Yes it does. It's a long list and i'm sure everyone would apply a few items occasionally. Consistency/frequency and more of those than not is the key. Where did that list come from? Sounds like comorbid major depressive disorder/generalized anxiety disorder.

Me:
//shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/04/02/25-signs-your-narcissistic-or-borderline-wife-or-girlfriend-is-traumatizing-you/

Narc:
When you gather your ****** attitude and act together file the divorce papers so that you won't have to be married to the narc and/or borderline freak you believe me to be.
Me:
Another #5, #6, #7, #10, #11 and #13 rollercoaster ride in the span of a couple emails.
1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings.
You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions.
Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings.
In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.
2) Everything is your fault.
You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.
3) Constant criticism.
She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough.
No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.
4) Control freak.
She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.
5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde.
One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you.
She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person.
The first time it happens, you write it off.
Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.
6) Your feelings don’t count.
Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed.
You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy.
You’re denied the right to your feelings.
7) Questioning your own sanity.
You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does.
If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.
8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.”
Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality.
Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills)
to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.
9) Isolating yourself from friends and family.
You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability.
You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.
10) Walking on landmines.
One misstep and you could set her off.
Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them.
Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.
11) What goes up, must come down.
She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet.
You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.
12) Un-level playing field.
Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will.
Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning.
This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.
13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.”
When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin.
She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change.
She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors.
She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.

[Jannaku]

Hi there and welcome to PC. What you have described above does sound like what life is like living to a narcissist. My H is a narcissist and he is all of the above. Nothing in the world is ever, ever going to change these wicked, self absorbed individuals and the best you can ever achieve other than divorce is to learn how to cope with the barrage of emotional crap that they spew at you. They are soul destroying people so you need to be strong and not let them pull you under. They will see your weaknesses and use these to their advantage. I can fully empathize with you and I would say that if you want a normal healthy relationship your not going to get with this person so if possible move out and move on and never look back. I wish you the best of luck.