Im dealing with a psychopath, please help!!

I am in a very upsetting situation and I simply do not know who to contact about it, all I know is that something needs to be done. Three years ago I met a man who seemed like a blessing, we had things in common, he was friendly, outgoing and was involved with his church, we also had the common interest of music as we both came from musical backgrounds and careers. We started dating exclusively per his request. As time went by, his behavior was very mysterious and unusual and ultimately I suspected that he may be involved with someone else. He kept his phone put up and away when we were together and if it was visible, it never rang. To make a long story short, I eventually found an overabundance amount of female contacts in his phone and ultimately I caught him alone in a bar at 3 am sitting with a female and he had his hands all over her, I immediately broke the relationship off. From that point on I kept myself at a distance from him, we would still talk on the phone but my heart had been broken and I knew I couldn’t trust him. I wanted to forgive him, afterall he was a highly respected worship leader at a large local church. I never was able to trust him after that. He would call, text and email me relentlessly wanting another chance…to which I gave him and each time he disappointed me with the same outcome. I just slowly backed away from him altogether, one minute he was sending me messages telling me how much he loved me, begging me to come back, the next minute he was calling me horrific names and falsely accusing me of the craziest things. The phone calls, texts and emails were way above and beyond harassment, I would receive calls in unbelievable amounts including series of 86 calls, followed by hundreds of mass texts, it was very concerning. I am a non confrontational , quiet person, so I hoped that if I just ignored him, he would go away.
It would work for a week or two but he always came back with more intensity and determination. Throughout the period of time I dated him, there was numerous incidents of his womanizing and sneakiness. I found out he had several phone numbers or phones, different numbers started calling me and surprisingly, they all were his. His ex wife had informed me that he had herpes and I also caught him going through pornography movies and selecting the “Teen Porn” section and reading the descriptions of the movies (and he has a teenage daughter). I knew I needed to inform the church of this finding, as he worked with various ages in his church band. However when this information was given, he was called in and questioned about it but unfortunately he made me look like I was a lying troubled girlfriend who had been pursuing him! (Which was NOT true at all) In the meantime, I was collecting evidence of his pursuit of me. This man has stalked me at restaurants, churches, my home and it doesn’t seem to matter to him how many people witness it. He has caused me to lose two jobs because he came into both stores and made an embarrassing scene. I have spoke with authorities who are friends, my church pastor, family, friends, counselor and a psychologist about this problem, to which more detail was exposed concerning his personality, patterns of behavior, body language and complete lack of remorse or guilt, there is never any empathy whatsoever, however he believes he is special and has fantasy type visions of himself and unrealistic views hes a grown man of 43. With the details of my experiences, a psychologist had him diagnosed as a psychopath and because of this and how his behavior has continued to this day, I have been afraid to sue him or get a restraining order, I fear it may make matters worse for me and put me in an even more unsafe situation. In my opinion, and I have to state that for slander purposes, he is nuts and completely delusional and his mental instability scares me. What can I do? What choices do I have? Everyone sees him as this calm, very kind and funny man who would never hurt anyone, however they do not have the slightest clue as to what this man really does and how he behaves behind closed doors. He has conned and fooled everyone just as he did me in the beginning. I hope you can offer some advice to guide me on what I should do? I feel like I am battling against the most dangerous kind of evil and there doesn’t seem to be an end.

I can offer you a plethora of advice.

Firstly, don't entertain the notion that you're in battle. That ... Just makes it worse. Secondly, don't try to warn people about his behavior or psychopathy. They won't believe you and he'll use this to turn them against you. And, most importantly, do not allow any of his antics to affect you emotionally ... and if they do, just feign apathy.

Honestly, unless you change your name and flee the country, he's probably never going to leave your life permanently. In my many dealings with psychopaths and from my own experience as a psychopath, I've found that maintaining a disposition halfway between affable and indifferent is the best approach. This means talking to him on occasion and largely ignoring any attempts of his to manipulate or upset you. If you're really crafty, you could try your hand at responding with sarcastic retorts, but I don't typically recommend this to the inexperienced. And set very clear boundaries.

For example ... If he follows you into a restaurant, engage in small talk, but little else. If he comes to your house, sneak out the back door or window. If he comes into your place of business and tries to make a scene, plaster one of those ridiculously fake smiles often worn by flight attendants and say, "Sir, we're going to have to ask you to calm down or we'll be forced to call security." If he calls you later about it, ignore it as if you forgot it had happened.

Psychopaths equate boredom with torture. Your seeming lack of interest will quickly bore him and he'll move on to much more entertaining subjects. But if you ignore him completely, he will still know that his behavior upsets you which is exciting to him.

As a backup plan, collect any damning information you can in case you need to call the police. Don't try to use this to convince others.

Have you tried a restraining order? If he is following you and harassing you might have grounds to get one. I would ignore him as much as you can. Don't play his game of trying to prove he is insane. Walk away from the situation and move on. I wouldn't worry about the porn thing. Someone watching porn does not mean they are going to molest child. "Actresses" in porn are consenting adults, unless you saw something on his computer of him and underage girls, then it is different. Him going to bars to pick up women sounds like he is looking for women and not girls. If you feel unsafe you could get a weapon.

I don't quite see how getting the restraining order would put you in a more dangerous position than you are already in. You've already lost 2 jobs due to him coming around you.

A restraining order cuts both way, as I found out years ago. If you get one, you will be equally enjoined against contacting him. That might be find with you. You should have no interest in further contacting him, unless you want more of the same, like in the past. Of course, you don't want that.

If you don't feel like you want to go to get a police enforced restraining order, then there is another option. Stop contact with him, and thwart his attempts to contact you. It is time to stop accepting calls, text messages, etc. Simply hand up. So not talk with him. If you encounter him by chance in public, have nothing to do with him. In some states, if you request a restraining order, you have to report that in some way he has forced his attention on you despite your refusing to accept his attentions.

The people at your church are free to form their own opinions about him. By talking about him to them, you are just adding to the mess. If you have evidence of him committing a crime, take that evidence to the police.

What he may believe about himself is totally his own affair. Sure does sound like he thinks he is special and entitled to all kinds of special consideration. Well, you just make up your mind as to what you will give him. Don't worry about how many other women fall for his charms. They have a right to decide for themselves. Again, if you have evidence of him committing a crime, take that to the police.

It doesn't sound like sueing him will do you any good. It really doesn't matter whether he is a psychopath, or not. Being a psychopath is not against the law. What matters is that he treated you shabbily and you do not want him in your life. So have no contact. If he continues bothering you, call the cops.

You can even call a non-emergency police number and say that you need an officer to stop by to see you. Police can be very good sources of some basic counseling on this kind of matter.

As you say, everyone sees him as this great guy. That is their business. If you try to control how others see him, you are asking for trouble. Do not try to get between him and other people. Just keep distance between you and him. At some level, you still miss him. Time will take care of that, if you stop having contact with him.

Also, see about finding a call line that advises victims of abuse. There may be good groups in your area that can help you plan to manage keeping no contact with him. Those groups don't advertize heavily because they do not want to attract exploitive/abusive men to hang around hoping to meet the women they betrayed.

He betrayed you and played you for a sucker. You will come out of this a wiser woman.

I have to disagree with Michael above. If he follows you into a restaurant, do not engage in small talk with him. Ignore him. If he won't go away, simply tell the manager of the restaurant that you do not want to be bothered by this man. You need not elaborate. If he comes to your house, tell him to get away and say nothing else. Do not open the door. Call the cops, if he hangs around. Do not make sarcastic remarks to him. Do not sneak out your back door. If you feel unsafe, call the cops.

If he gets no attention from you whatsoever, he very possibly may leave your life completely. He will move on to greener pastures to find women who will pay attention to him. He is all about getting attention. Give him NONE. Do not talk to him "on occasion." Talk to him never. He can draw whatever conclusions he chooses to. That is his business, not yours.

You have choices. You can chose to stay involved with him to some degree. That is just giving him room to sqeeze his foot through the door of your life. Also, think about him as little as possible. You don't need him living rent-free in your head. Good Luck. Some psychopaths specialize on exploiting the exploitable. Not all are looking to commit rape, or murder. If that becomes a worry, tell the cops.

Likewise, I must disagree with you here. I've seen this method tried many times before on psychopaths I've encountered and I've had people try it on me. I've only seen it succeed once. Even in that case, the psychopath in question, years after contact had ceased, still tried to subtly weasel her way into the fold. In most cases, the subject folds eventually. I'm not sure why... But they do.

Judging from my own experiences, I imagine the reason it fails so spectacularly is that a psychopath knows you're afraid of him (or her). For whatever reason, this is fascinating. He's not going to give that up.

Get a restraining order.
No contact.
Don't talk to him.
If he is physically near you leave or call the police.

If what you've told us is true you need to protect yourself.

This is a legal issue. A restraining order is an official document. It is a public record and the first step in ending this harassment.

We're not all serial killers ... Most of us aren't even violent ...

While I'm fine with changing my name and fleeing the country, that can be very difficult, expensive, and mentally/socially taxing for most people. I don't recommend it unless he starts making death threats. Psychopathy might be rare, but one is bound to run into a psychopath wherever they go. You can't run forever...

I agree that restraining orders are useless, though.

I understand that many people see restraining orders as useless. Historically, there have been enforcement problems.

The objective is to legally document the threat.

I've had personal experience with them.

So have I. I worked with the criminally insane for 30 years.

I'm glad it worked for you. It didn't for us.

Your reply is a bit cryptic. Would you please explain what you mean? Are you referring to the efficacy of restraining orders and other legal avenues?

I mean my wife got a restraining order against her ex which he completely ignored, and, despite much documentation and dealings with the court from our end, he still evaded any punishment. Which didn't really surprise me. Of the many talents of the garden-variety psychopath, lying is one of their best. I've seen dumber psychopaths dodge much harsher charges with better evidence.

So I had Frankie, a dear friend of mine, crouch behind a tree when said ex came to our house and shock him with a cattle prod. He still calls from time to time, but he doesn't come over anymore.

Setting boundaries...

I don't dispute that the system fails us at times. I offered the OP rational advice based on the law.

I do not advocate the violence you endorsed to impose your own brand of justice. That is precisely what we don't need.

I prefer to think of it as operant conditioning...

I don't advocate it either. That's just what I did...

That is what is known as a criminal thinking error - justifying.

Which is convenient because I'm both a psychopath and a criminal. Former criminal. Still a psychopath.

Unfortunate and sad.

It explains your "advice" to the OP.

Don't worry. I'm a successful psychopath.

That is honest advice. Yes, I am a psychopath. I've also studied the disorder profusely and have dealt with and befriended psychopaths. I know how they think. And I often use this method myself.

I've reread the original post of sing, and I don't see where he made any actual threats to do anything illegal. So I would tend to think that there may not be any grounds for being granted a restraining order. I really know little about legal remedies, but I think anyone can file a police report about anything that makes them feel in danger. I would say, go to the police station and do that. Do it repeatedly, if he causes any inappropriate "scenes" in public. Give names of witnesses. You don't have to tell him about this. The point is to provide police with documentation that he is intrusive.

I think I would agree with Michael that it is best not to - in any way - express fear to him . . . kind of like the advice they give for dealing with hostile dogs. Expressing fear excites the "chase instinct," just like in animal predators. Don't express fear of him to people who know him and may tell him about it. (I would put it in the police report.) Any response, at all, that he can get from you will gratify his lust for attention. Give him none. That doesn't necessarily convey fear.

He's probably had plenty of opportunity to kill you, if that was something he felt like doing. More than likely he's not a killer, or even violent, as MD said above. Mostly, he's just tried to control what other people, including you, think of him. He's got that right. Generally, it's not against the law to lie, if you're not under oath before a judge.

You might take out your credit card and invest in doing a background check on him. What you might find out could corroborate with what you already know. My guess is that he probably doesn't have any big deal criminal past. Of course, don't assume that what shows up, if you do a check, is all there is to know about him. Main thing is that you know enough to keep the heck away from him.

I would ammend one thing. Total refusal to interact can trigger unwanted behavior, as MD advises. If he passes you in the aisle of a store and says "Hi," a simple "Hi" response might be the best way to go. (If he's traveling in circles where you are going to bump into him a lot.) Meanwhile, stay expressionless, keep moving and don't get entangled in conversation. I hesitated to advise that because it is likely that you won't manage to not get entangled. Then, once he has you focused on him, the game begins for him to see how long he can hold your attention. Don't indulge that . . . . just keep moving.

You are suggesting the victim should surrender control of her life to a psychopath. She does not have to talk to him and she shouldn't. If she does talk to him it should be to say "stay away from me".

Your suggestions put the psycho in control, which is exactly what I would expect someone like Michael to suggest as well.

People don't have to run and hide nor do they have to put up with inappropriate behavior.

Take control of your own life and don't be afraid to do so.

That is exactly the opposite of what I suggested. Feigned apathy is taking control. The psychopath wants to control one's emotions. By taking control of one's emotions and refusing to show them in any way, one removes the psychopath's control of one's emotions.

I also emphasized the concept of setting boundaries. This includes ignoring him when he's spamming one's inbox or other such negative behavior. Or blocking him. Or telling him one has better things to do. Or telling him one doesn't want to talk to him. Or saying, "I'm not going to pleasantly chat with you if you keep acting a damned fool."

It's a lot like dealing with an oversized, petulant child.

It is against the law (in many states) for someone to harrass you on the telephone. I had to handle this once with a land line. I can't say what the rules are with cell phones, but there is likely some remedy available.

I called the police after I got a disturbing, threatening phone call. They came out quickly and they called the telephone company who provided them with the location from which the call had come. (The phone company won't tell that to you.) The phone company told me what to do if I got anymore calls like that. (There was some numbers for me to dial to signal the phone company that the call was of that nature.) The police and the phone company were very supportive. Luckily, I never got another call like that.

I think every land line company, and perhaps cell phone services, have a policy for helping customers deal with repeated unwanted calls. I'ld recommend talking to them. Again, you can talk to the police about this, also. I've found that police are very ready to give advice on dealing with harrassment. They'ld like to help avert something from escalating. Also, they can tell you the limits of what they can do, which is worth knowing.

You certainly don't have to talk to this creep at all, if you chose not to. That's what I originally suggested.

Thank you for all the advice, I do not communicate at all with this man nor do I see him. My feeling are completely dissipated from him once I realized that I fell in love with who he portrayed to be, not who he really was, that is when I left. This man is so determined to have me come back that nothing scares him, I am afraid that he will only become angrier and more vengeful with a restraining order, and that that alone will not be concerning to him. I thought by letting authorities know about him as well as his church that it would allow others to be warned or protected, as well as someone may be able to help him realize that what he is doing will have serious consequences. I myself would want to have a fore warning about someone like that, so I thought I was doing the right thing. Its kind of confusing how this situation should be handled.

It's a noble effort, however futile. A female psychopath I mentioned in an earlier post is a sex offender and is listed on the sex offender registry. If one should bring this to the attention of the elderly folks she "takes care of" (read: her targets), one would find that these elderly folks not only forgive her for this transgression, they vehemently defend her against one's accusations. Despite that she's robbing them blind ... It's truly fascinating on some levels. On others ... Well ... I weep for humanity ...