[seeker1950]

My mother is ailing, just released from the hospital and staying with my one sister temporarily. Mom intends, I think, to come stay with me. She is 80 years old and suffering from bone fractures due to osteoporosis and in a lot of pain. I'm writing here to ask how to handle this. I've just sold my house, buying a much smaller, cheaper home where she could, indeed, have a room, but my dilemma is mental/emotional. I just don't know if I can handle being with my mother 24/7. In fact, sure I can NOT! She was emotionally and physicalliy abusive to me all the time growing up, and what stability I have achieved (at age 55) is in jeopardy if I'm around her even for a short time! How would you deal with this!?
Patty

[Maven]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would not deal well with that situation. Have you spoken with your sister about your concerns? Perhaps your sister is more capable of caring for her? You can ask her if she can invite your mom to stay longer. Maybe you can have some kind of home care for her, where you can get away for some of the time.

You might consider contacting a psychologist and ask for some ideas. Or a nursing care facility; that doesn't mean you have to put her in a nursing home, but maybe they have resources for you in your situation.

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Maven...Yes, these will be options to consider. My sister has already told me she can't handle full time with Mom. We both suffer from upbringing with her, though I, being the older of the two, suffered the brunt of it. Now, of course, Mom wants to be "close," and have us near. I do feel compassion for her situation, but also feel the need to preserve my own mental health!
Patty

[seeker1950]

Oh, I see I should have posted this in "Caregiver's Support. Please move it, moderators, if you have the chance!
Patty

[January]

(((((((((( Seeker )))))))))))

No abusive parent has the right to expect his/her child to take care of him/her. Tell her "NO!". You've had to sacrifice too much of your life to her. Don't do it anymore. You are dear and special. Do something good for yourself for once. If it means she goes to a nursing home, she goes. I don't say this lightly at all. I do know you weren't born to be a slave to this abusive woman.

Hugs,

Jan

[seeker1950]

I just talked with my sister on the phone. My mother is staying at her house while I am moving, etc. My sis says her nerves are frazzled and she can't handle it. The thing is: with both me and my sister, we've suffered the longterm consequences of growing up with Mom's parenting. In truth, being the oldest, I suffered the brunt of the abuse, but neither of us had a happy childhood.
I have been so happy to have sold my house, looking forward to moving to a smaller, cheaper place and getting out of debt. Also, decorating the place in a new and fresh way. This thing with my mom is a pall over me...casting a gray curtain of gloom.
Any suggestions about alternative care will be most welcomed!
Patty

[darkeyes]

(((((((((( seeker ))))))))))))
I have many regret for taking a similar responsibility, but my heart wouldn't allow me to not do what I did 2003, sooooooo, I spend most of my time taking care of my mom, if she had been abusive to me, I'd never subject myself to this emotional drain, especially losing my dad 2002, then taking up north to reside, and all the other stuff that went with that, has drained me, I go to support meetings (caregivers and Alzheimers) and stay with my pdoc visits as well as meds. Not to scare you, but taking on the responsibility needs a lot of thought and decision making.
But if she has never respected you, and was abusive, I personally would have it hard to want to care for her.
See if seniour services/counsel for the aged/ or even social services can suggest before you burden youself.
Please take care now,
DE

[(JD)]

This is always a highly emotional situation. I agree, because of your mother's failure to plan for her end years is no reason for you to feel the burder of ta
king care of her. While I believe "honoring your mother" includes her care...that doesn't mean to your own detriment. It does mean to assist her in finding the best care that she is able to have for the situation. Both you and your sister are pretty clear about how neither of you can have your mom live there.

Don't move your mom to your home at all. (my advice.) Too many moves will upset her to begin with. IDK where you live, but in the USA there are more programs to assist you finding a suitable environment for her. Contact DCF for resources. If she doesn't have her own HMO membership, contact Medicare...and also check into Medicaid. There are assisted living facilities that also offer progressive assistance as she ages and eventually needs more nursing.

Remember, she made this decision by not planning ahead. You aren't making the decision for her. I'm sorry she is putting you in this situation, but don't allow her abusive nature to continue to control your lives.

[vivir]

Hey Patty...if you can't do it, you can't do. Don't stress over it...as others have said, there are a ton of resources out there for just such a situation. And look at it in perspective...the reason you don't want her there isn't out of spite or vengance, it's simply because you can't....no guilt allowed!!!!

Decide what's best for you girl...and follow through with it.

patty, i posted to this the other day and now i don't see my post. my advice is to not do it. it will open old wounds and bring up new hurts. it's too much for you now. you're trying to start afresh and this will hold you back.

i sympathize with you so much and wish that i could come help you.......love, pat