[wonkingman40]

My wife and I have been together for 14 years married for 12 of those. we have had our ups and downs but here lately I dont know whats going on with her. I have tried talking to her and get no response, she lashes out at me and at my two young kids. I am at a point do I continue to try and find out whats going on or do I just get my kids out of this enviorment. I stumbled upon a FB message between her and another guy a few weeks ago. she basically was telling this guy that she is a closet smoker and she needed to get rid of the habit but she would have to find a healthier habit. I didnt say anything at first and then one day I asked her if she had been smoking and she immediately lashed out at me asking if I was crazy I then asked her about the message, she said she didnt know what I was talking about. yesterday she left her FB account open so I looked for the message again and it was gone. so I confronted her about it. and she admitted that she had been smoking ( this may not seem a big deal to most but she has been extremely verbal against smoking in the past and it caught me off gaurd) and she broke down crying saying that she didnt know what was going on she has just been feeling like she was out of her mind. I asked her if she had cheated on me and she said no that she couldnt do that because she would have to look at her kids and she couldnt do that to them. I just dont know which direction to go.. about a year ago we were going to couples and individual counciling and the councilor took more of my side and it created problems personally I know Im not perfect we did dtop going to the councilor in hopes of finding someone that would be more biased and move each of us in a positive path forward to a healthy relationship, but we just havent found anyone else that is conducive with both of our schedules. any input is greatly appreciated.

[NWgirl2013]

So sorry. It sounds hard. I dunno how old you & wife are, but maybe she is coming into a premenopausal time? My doc floored me at 40 saying I was going there...seemed wrong, but she said women can start having wacky hormonal issues pretty early. (huge bummer) If this is a possibility, there is help for that too.
My Huz is a button pusher & blamed any reaction I had to hormones; it was the handy catch-all for a while, but we still had to deal with some other issues. (His ADD is still unresolved & a big problem)
You can interview therapists ~ maybe both of you can make an effort to find one that works w/ your schedules, etc.?
And, maybe ask her if she needs help to stop the smoking? She already knows it is a bad idea.
All I know is teamwork/honesty are required in marriage. You are on the same team, right?
I applaud you for your care & concern for your partner. I wish you both the best as you work this through .
That's all I've got ~

[gary290]

Just saying welcome to PC. Sounds like a marriage and family therapist would be helpful at this point. If you're thinking of leaving, then it must be pretty serious. I wish you the best.

[catsrhelm]

Hello Workingman. I would suggest that you give couples counseling another try before throwing in the towel, but this time maybe with a different counselor. Sounds like there are trust issues that need to be resolved, so I wish you the best.