[LoveIsLove2013]

Hey everyone,

I just found your forum. Thanks for creating it. I am sure you will able to help me.

I am 41 years old. I am in love with Alex (32 yrs old) who has BPD. She never told me so, but a friend of mine who is a doctor told me she had it.

In the beginning of our story, everything was going well. We were very close and suddenly from one day to another, she was very cold. But the week after, she wanted to meet me and spend time with me.

These days, we do not see each other a lot, but last time, she could not handle the situation. I tried to make her laugh most of the time, it worked, but suddenly, she "closed her doors". It became hard to talk to her, she became very nervous with some head tics, she even could not talk to me anymore or answer my questions. Then, I had offered her to go have a drink after, to make her feel better, she said yes, but same silence treatment at the pub.

15 days ago, she told me I was a very good friend of hers, she was very happy to know me, but these days she acts as if I am not. She ignores me.

For example, on Twitter, on Facebook, she is very nice, very funny with people (she has never met, or just once or twice), favorites her tweets, likes their messages, but she ignores me or everything I do. When she mentions me (once a month), I answer her, we start a conversation about TV shows (for example) or anything personal, but she stops our conversation very quickly.

I have the feeling that I am not "safe" for her feelings anymore, even if I have the feeling that at the same time, I mean a lot to her.
She knows I have feelings for her, I told her she meant a lot to me, and she was more than a friend.

"Fears of intimacy" it is what my friend (the doctor) said.
So, I tried to reassure her, told her I have never abandoned or hurt anybody, but she did not reply. It did not change anything.

I have never talked to her about BPD, I know I must not do it.
I read a lot of things about BPD, but right now I do not know what can I do with Alex?

I hope you will be able to help me.
Looking forward reading your tips and advices.
Thanks a lot in advance.

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! What you are describing sounds like typical BPD behavior. The feeling of abandonment will be so deep in her that telling her you won't abandon her will not be sufficient.

I recommend you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. It will give you some insights into the disorder and into how to have a relationship with someone with it. It is challenging to have a good relationship with someone with BPD. It isn't a fun diagnosis to have either.

Feel free to keep us informed about how things are going. Or not going, if that turns out to be the case. We do care.

[bardztale]

The description in Amazon for this book reads, "Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are 'walking on eggshells' to avoid the next confrontation?"

Wow! Talk about right on the money for my situation. You recommended this for another poster but - thank you! Fits my feelings about my wonderful, but disturbed wife perfectly.

[LoveIsLove2013]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! What you are describing sounds like typical BPD behavior. The feeling of abandonment will be so deep in her that telling her you won't abandon her will not be sufficient.

I recommend you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. It will give you some insights into the disorder and into how to have a relationship with someone with it. It is challenging to have a good relationship with someone with BPD. It isn't a fun diagnosis to have either.

Feel free to keep us informed about how things are going. Or not going, if that turns out to be the case. We do care.

Thank you so much Payne1 for answering me, for your help and for the book. I found it and started to read it. I searched about the silent treatment and it made me understand more about it.

It will help me a lot to talk to you here, to help me understand.

Last year I offered her to spend a day at the beach with me (leaving on the morning and coming back at night). She said 'yes' but always found excuses, pretending her grand-mother was going to die. Hopefully today she is still alive. She manages to spend a week with friends, sharing the same hotel bedroom with 2/3 other people. She can not manage to be alone with me.

Last week, it was her birthday. I read on Twitter, she does not like to celebrate it. The last time I met her (June 1st), I asked what gift she wanted and she did not answer me. So, in order not to make her ill-at-ease, I created a virtual card by myself. She really liked it and told me it was perfect. She talked to me she met her parents for her birthday and they had a good time all together. I told her I was very happy for her, it was great.

Since then, I did not contact her, she did not contact me.

The positive things according to me, is that she showed me her real face (tics, silent treatment...), and she stopped lying to me. I can check everything she says and now what she says to me is the truth. It was not like that before, the first months. The only thing I can not be sure is her feelings, when she says she likes things. I am not sure she means what she says or says things she thinks I want to hear.
But she keeps on lying to the others about things. Sometimes, it makes me smile, because I know what she tweets sometimes is ********. But I do not say anything. Most of the time, she lives in a world of illusions with strangers in this Twitter virtual world. Maybe it is the reason why she kept me outside of it most of the time, Twitter may be her borderline world, and I belong to the real one.

I know I try to find answers to my questions. Maybe I should not do that, but I am so in need to understand her behavior, and what I live with her, compared to the lucky ones who have fun with her.