[healingme4me]

I am rather well versed in SET, DEARman techniques, recognize my personal boundaries, etc.

I've been divorced for three years, and am a bit troubled, as I cannot seem to bring myself to the hurdle of having an adult to adult conversation with my BPD ex-husband. My T, feels he just hasn't emotionally divorced.

In the three years, since divorce, my exh, has yet to take the kids, overnight. Not by my choice, just one excuse after another, and my sympathetic nature, accommodates, for reasons I will explain.

He lives with a couple and their child. And has a tiny little room, that won't squeeze him and the boys. Visits, have fluctuated, by the boys going there for a couple hours, or by them staying here, him coming here and my taking off, to run errands, whatnot. Far from ideal, just the way it is.

Here's the trouble, aspect. I'm going out of town, for a few days, next week. Much needed, much deserved. And, countdown, is on. He's untreated, so half the statements, aren't met with much mindfulness, on his part.

Was about to tell him today, Sunday is my personal deadline. Those, close to me, IRL, appreciate the dilemma, and agree to push it as close to the leave date, as possible.

When he and I were married, he had these two female 'just friends', that I personally, found troublesome, not them personally, just his seemingly deep emotional bonding to them. And, as I was about to broach the topic, mano a mano, out spewed forth a bunch of stuff about both of these ladies. One of them, he was complaining about her loser bf.(his words, not mine)

Of course, in that moment, I had this *aha* moment, that brought me to realize, why he hounds me about any prospects(not that I share things, just hounds me in the sense of verbally combative statements that I would do nothing shy of bring some man into the boys life that would abuse them, and bringing to the fact that my mom remarried men that were indeed abusive to me) Up until, this day, I did personalize, and worry, not that I would behave in a co-dep manner that my mom did, I am not her, if anything, I would go above and beyond to filter through any man that I may involve myself with and not idealize the notion of relationships.

He starts his vacation, on Sunday, actually, tomorrow. My thinking process has been such, that as of Sunday, he wouldn't be at work, stewing on this nor chit chatting with anyone, that he could express this drama to. I live in this town, too, and the less others are made aware of his irrationalities, the better, in my opinion.

Sunday, I figure, will be best, perhaps, over the phone, as he will be in the presence of his roommates, whom I feel, can at least 'be there' for him. As, he's just so darn predictable. The racing thoughts, will begin.

I wanted to, today, to establish the logistics, of feeding the kids, explaining, just how I will be in contact with the kids, and when can the school supplies, etc be purchased, as he and I are splitting the costs. As usual, as per court order. I can handle some last minute, shopping, as I will return in time for that, plus when they return to school, I return to work.

I am not physically afraid. I am psyching myself up, bracing myself, for the verbal combative nature, that is his.

He's the last to know. He is court ordered for vacation weeks with the kids. And he is without a vehicle and license.

I don't, technically, need to explain more to him, than the fact I will be away, where I am going. Normally, I'd take in, part of his argument. However, I guess, less than his getting upset, I need to know how to deflect, without feeling the need to defend, each and every accusation that is going to spew forth.

He has at one point, when he found my match.com account, that I only used one week, well his words were, "what am I supposed to tell the kids, when you go and meet some loser, and wind up dead."
*shaking my head* Give me, some credit, will you?! I feel like saying back. I do have a last will and testament drawn up, from earlier this summer. I mean, seriously, my bff, keeps asking, why can't he just let you find happiness in life? fyi, I am in no way, going to meet someone that I met from a dating site. I am, going on a small vacation, a tiny get away.

Plan on using FB, for the kids to be able to see photos, and contact them, via their own pre-paid cell, that I bought for them, when I got rid of my landline. The exh, was adamant, after I dropped my landline that the boys have a means of being able to contact him, and he them. hmph...still goes via my cell phone, they are really young. Either, way, I am going to use their cell phone, and only accept phone calls from that number, if they need to reach me. Not telling their dad, that I will only accept calls from that number, but the kids will know. I'm surprised he doesn't know I am going away yet. My kids know.

Maybe, I am venting, rambling, I don't even know if I am asking advice.

If it weren't for the kids, I say, if I only knew then, what I know now. Either way, it's been quite a life growth experience, living through a marriage with a bpd, who received prognosis then dropped therapy sessions. And then, even in divorce, it's been an experience, to say the least.

Almost, thought, I'd found a calm moment to discuss this, with him. He needs to know, to prepare for the overnights with his own kids. Almost, had an opportune moment. Alas, back to this Sunday. I'd consider tomorrow, but who knows what a Saturday evening will hold, for him.

Thanks for reading...listening...hugging, if you have any to give

[kaliope]

healingme4meit sounds like you were just venting and looking for validation that it was ok to go on this trip and leave the kids with your coparent. it certainly is. you have been more than accommodating to him with the schedule, it is time he is responsible for having the children during his time. have fun on your vacation!

[healingme4me]

Thanks. I know it's OK for me to want to go on a trip. I feel OK, about needing some time to myself. 24/7 is a lot for ten continuous years to ask of a person.

I am, at this point, wishing, I'd just laid low, and called from the airport this coming Thursday, to let my exh, know that I wouldn't be back, in town until Sunday.

He's now threatening to reneg on his vacation responsibilities to his children. And I am not reacting in a more adult fashion.

I am so scared, he's going to blow this opportunity for me. I broke the news to him, a little while ago.

He's using the abandonment word with me, over my children. He's threatening to not be there for them. To hinder my ability to hop on a plane and fly out.

Whether, he will come to his senses, by then. I am not sure. He is now moved to the point, of claiming I will not return. AS IF, I wouldn't come home to my babies...geesh....

[healingme4me]

Tonight, is turning out to be my very first night without my kids at home. The silence, well, it's really silent. No chatter, no tv, no video games, no asking me for things.

Even a small moment in time, like this, leaves me aware of the reactivity, that I am experiencing in the exchange of telling the exh, that I am taking a vacation.

Less about him, demanding that I don't do it. Is the realization, remembrance, if you will that when I first became involved with my exh, and accepted the marriage offer, he'd promised me, that there would be a couple vacation trips. 8 years of marriage, he never once, took the steps necessary, to ensure he and I went to any of those places, never mind, he and I never took off, even locally, for a weekend or overnight.

The reactivity, is part heightened, because it stings, to believe, that not only is he making an attempt to hold me back, from living my life and travelling, it's compounded to the notion, that he refused to get up and do those things for me in marriage and just who does he feel he is, to even make overtures, such as who's going to watch the kids, to threatening to report me for abandonment, to threatening to have my locks changed and dump all my belonging in the front of my apartment building. To, I don't care about the fact you have to work, I won't even be there so you can go to work, I don't care that you have to work, what's the child support for then?

Am I still planning, a vacation? Yes. Am I going to allow, todays' reaction from him stop me from living my life? No. Is he so predictable that I realize he's going to make it seem like he won't be available for his kids, then arrive, last minute? Yes. Is this, another way, he feels he can keep me on edge? Don't know how he feels, but I do recognize this has been his M.O. all along.

Is it clearly, an emotional roller coaster ride? Yes. Do I wish off the roller coaster? Yes.

He made comments to me, that after all I did want custody, when I mentioned that I've had the kids 24/7 since birth. ummmm, most divorced couples, each side seems to get a heck of a lot more free time, than I do. And even married couples, I know of supportive wives and husbands that agree to let the other take a day here or there, or do things as a couple.

He doesn't and has never seen me, as an intelligent woman, capable of her own decisions. I based this on the words he has used through the years with me. Even called me stupid today. Called me, an idiot a couple weeks ago, and as far as the divorce, that was because my mom 'brainwashed' me. Even told me today, with sarcasm, "I treated you like Gold, Honey!"

If he treated me like gold, I'd never have left. Hmmmm.. Chew on that one, ex. Three years. Three years, divorced. Honest to goodness, please release me from this insanity..................

[healingme4me]

OK, he won't be here Thursday, so I can go to work. But will be here Wednesday, so I can go to work. I realize, I just found out that I don't work Thursday, but um, Wednesday night, sounds like a stay in a hotel night. I am and will fly out of Boston on Thursday.

He's back on the fact that with child support I shouldn't pay my rent, electric, internet and phone with that. Child support, to him, should be for kids clothes, toys, etc. Forget the rent, he says.

He also just called me the b word. Insists, that I won't be flying back in on Sunday. That's not what my receipt says on the round trip flight, but yes. I am returning.

[healingme4me]

Just took my spare keys, told me he's going to pack his stuff up and move back in. And there's nothing I can do about it. Just told me, that he sent my grandmother a message, that he's going to call my father. That she was an idiot for giving me her blessing. And that he's going to contact my father, to talk sense into me.

And that also, good luck getting to my doctors appointment tomorrow. Good luck getting to work on Wednesday. Good luck to me, he said. Not his problem.

[healingme4me]

So, um, Who told him, that she gave me her blessing?

[healingme4me]

And HAHA, he said to me. Don't take off, I'll be back after getting a washer and dryer for my friends. HAHA...you can't take off any ways. No money. No gas. HAHA

[healingme4me]

Alright, situation resolved!! Kids are going to my dad's for the week! They are so excited, because they always get my stepbrothers kids, but never get to take mine!! They'll be in safe hands!

I conferenced/car phone called with them. Started saying, that the ex was supposed to have the kids this week, but with the who's going to watch the kids when you go to your doctors, to work, and on your trip.

Stepmom chimed right in, 'We'd love to take them!'

They always take my stepbrothers kids. Never really have had mine solo! This is a great turn around.

Still need to get my spare keys back, those have my attic keys, oddly, I already rescued my luggage earlier this past week from there

[healingme4me]

Guess, I'll add this here. Things turned violent. I am not really sure, if I want to disclose much, not for shame or anything of that nature, just legally speaking.

I'm safe. My kids are safe. I've a very sore, bruised arm.

What transpired changes a lot. I am a survivor.