People pleaser narcisist?

Hey all,

I guess I should introduce myself. I'm married. I'm not the most generous person, but generally very fair to people. I'm a bit socially oblivious in that i can't read people, but I'm very academic in that sense.

I'm here basically trying to figure out my wife.
I always knew she was a people pleaser, and she's always been working on it. She has a hard time saying no to people, to her parents, to charities... she gave a lot of money to charities and buys expensive gifts.

She has calmed down quite a bit though as we've known each other.

What never occurred to me is this is a kind of narcissism. I've read up a bit on it in the past few weeks, and I'm just trying to figure it out and she is as well.

What got me looking for answers are several cases where her 'good girl' image is threatened and how she responds to it, by basically throwing whoever under the bus to keep it and deflect any blame. Someone who is genuinely generous and giving doesn't do that.

Just a quick recent example. I was being distant from person A and not visiting person A that often, but still doing formal things with them. I have my own issues with Person A. Person A was trying to go through my wife to get me to act a certain way. That is just like person A. If I try and address things directly with A, they just ignore me. My wife asks me if they can tell person A to please talk to me directly. I say sure. That is the extent of what she asks me.

What she actually tells person A is that she knows I'm being difficult and it's not her fault that we are not visiting A... and basically throws me under the bus.

Later I find out, the real reason my wife brought this up is because A told her mother and this made my wife look bad to her mother.

Now, how I see it is, whatever issues A and I have are our issues. My wife's real issue should be with A who started gossiping and manipulating people. Instead, her reaction is to keep her 'good girl' image by making sure A thinks good of her... and she is a 'good girl' with her mother...

That is a very minor example. But it extends in general .She has done a lot of stuff a 'good girl' would not do, but her family has no idea. Some of this is acceptable in my view. Parents don't need to know everything. But we're talking like if they knew her whole story, they'd probably feel like they don't her anymore.

But it's not just with me. It's with her sister or brother or ex-boyfriend.
And it's something I notice more and more.

Eve n when it comes to giving. She's told me she loves it when people ask her for help or that she feels good when she is needed. I always thought this was just people pleasing. Yet, the more I see the interaction with the family, the more I see this darker side. She never lets down a chance to put down her brother in front of her parents. And since she's helped him out a lot, he can't really say anything.

It even extends to values. The values she often claims don't stand up to reality. I'm rather honest about my values. I work to live. I try and be responsible... She always made a big deal about work being an ethic and a good value...To the outside, she is a very hardworking person.

But the more I live with her, I see just how normal she is in that sense. She doesn't really want to work hard. She certainly does her fair share, but ultimately, left to her own devices without anyone watching, she'd just chill like most of us would.

The hard part is that as we talk about it, we run into this block where she says 'but if I'm not a good girl, then what am I" That's basically the block we get to.

Now don't get me wrong. She really is a good person. At least it appears to be so. It's just I'm having trouble now grasping. To me, I'm seeing more and more that she doesn't know who she is and neither do I quite frankly.

Don't me wrong, living with her is hardly problematic. It's just I wonder how much of it is an act, and if it is, how much can it change if something occurs in the future.

It's just all very strange. I would have never associated a people pleaser with being narcissitic, but I can start seeing it now. Heck, if anything, I could have seen myself being more on that side. I'm pretty self-centered always weighing the pros and cons of things...

Hello and welcome to Psych Central!

From the bit I know about narcissism, these folks always want others to see them in a good light--and even want people around them to behave/dress/ look, etc. in ways that put them in a good light. I can see a narcissist doing things like giving to charity, but I would think it would be in such a way as to be noticed. I would think they would want their parents to see them as special, too. They think the whole world should revolve around them and their needs and desires. They should come first!

However, we can't diagnose here, so I can't verify your suspicions either way for sure.

If this concern is affecting your relationship with her, then you might want to talk to a therapist about it. A therapist told me she believed my mom was a narcissist with borderline tendencies.

Well it is in various ways. What's funny is that my mother has very narcissistic in the people pleasing kind of way. In any case, having read up on a lot of this stuff recently, it turns out that children of narcissist tend to go one of many ways. One of the ways, I can see myself... an outright rejection of anything narcissistic. It might even be a form of narcissism itself (counter-dependent... maybe) I can see myself a lot in my rejection and distancing of any kind of narcissist and manipulator. Even forms of narcissim and manipulation that many would consider just mild, I have very deep rejection of it.

The more I see these traits in her, the more I find myself with feelings of having to put up my manipulator defense grid.

I had been to a therapist before for social anxiety and trust issues. Getting my wife into therapy is very hard. She came to a few sessions with me and always fended off any questions that what she was doing was not good or that there was anything wrong with her childhood... even though to any outsider and even her own family will tell you the rough time they had.

Ultimately, I think a lot of the changes she has made with respect to people pleasing have more to do with my complaining about it.

One of the things I've come to realize is that ultimately, I need to focus all the fixing on me. I guess it's just hard as aside from my feelings of being very anti-manipulation, there really isn't that much wrong. And yet, if she is hiding herself, I know that I can't be normal around her and I'd rather know sooner rather than later. It's much harder since we're married (no kids though).

Thanks for the reply PAYNE.

I posted once, but I'm not sure if my reply has to be approved or something.

Anyways, yes... the people in her family are always her audience.

Anyways, yes I am seeing more that I need to focus on fixing me rather than worrying about her. FYI, my mother is pretty narcissistic as well. So maybe I've got some syndrome like that as well. Reading up on it, it might be that I am counter-dependent... reject anything that smells like narcissism, manipulation or control. I've been working on that and I guess I need to focus on it.

Where it currently affects our relationship is mainly in the area of me wondering if I'm being taken advantage of. I'm a bit socially awkward, as I don't know what is the expected thing to do in our culture. On the MBTI side, I'm an INTJ... so social stuff is mainly just a chore I do to get by anyways :P One of my issues is I count on my wife to tell me what do I need to do so I don't look like a jerk. I'm just not that social.

This is one area where I'm finding I don't feel like she has done right by me. Long before I made a commitment to her, I expressed a lot of things about the kind of life I want to lead, and it means getting away from too much culture (We're indian). It's just not me. I'm much more Canadian, than I am Indian. I made a huge deal about it as I wanted to make sure she wanted the same kind of life. She talked up a lot about feminism and being free... We had boat loads of talks about it.

What I've found is that due to the good girl obsessed image, she's always doing more than expected or even what most of her family does or their spouses. I don't know if she did it maliciously or if she just doesn't know, but I know I don't trust her judgment in this area. On the other hand, I don't trust myself to navigate it on my own.

So I think I'm going to have to take a bit more control over my own life in this area. I can't leave it to her... I hope I don't ignore her input too much either. If I make mistakes in judgment here, at least they will be my mistakes.


That's my plan for now

Hi! I think some Narcs are people pleasers' - they need to validate themselves at all costs - they need people to give them praise and attention - it is all part of getting their 'N' supply which is like food to them to preserve their 'false self'. You will often find that they please everyone else and then can easily become someone else with their partner particularly if you disagree with them - they cannot take any critical comment or judgement - it is like an injury to their 'false self' which they have to protect!

I have a hard time grasping a people pleaser narc.

Sounds like a compassionate sadist or shy exhibitionist.

I'm just having trouble with this one lol

You probably hit the nail on the head with that comment IndieVisible - they please people but get their 'Narc' supply and validation for their 'false self' in return. I don't think all Narcs are overt so they get their supply from the rewards they get from say pleasing people. Most people do things for others because they care - in other words they don't give to receive - a narc on the other hand will only give to receive.

Ahh ok, I can understand giving to expect to receive. Gotcha.

Good - it is just another way of gaining their 'N' supply - No NPD's are the same.Their basic personality stays the same - so for instance if the are extrovert they usually become overt 'N's and if a bit of a loner or quieter then covert - additionally you can't put people in boxes everyone is different and unique and thus presenting with different traits.