Do Narcissists know that they hurt you?

I would just like to thank underground for taking the trouble to answer my questions about NPD. I really do appreciate him doing this and it makes it more real for me coming from someone who is experiencing and living with this disorder - so thank you so much

I have to say I feel I have come along way since starting this thread and have had so much advice and input - all really helpful and valuable to me. I think Narcissists know they hurt you - I am not sure it is all intentional - they have problems with empathy and they are so busy and occupied protecting their false self that they have little to give - and yet at the same time I think they want to be able to. I actually feel quite sorry for them and think it is a sad story that has caused them to hurt others

I think that most narcissists do not realize how much they hurt - they are just not able to really empathise and I think their world really does revolve around them and their validation and 'N' supply - this makes me very sad because I believe a problem in their childhood caused this problem - which really means that this condition is not their fault - my question is but then how do we live with it and deal with it?

I have to say the NPD's didn't appreciate me asking questions or joining in on their threads they really do think us as Nons and they are an elite group of their own. Underground was the only one who would give some insight into their minds etc. Everyone else either ignored me or was hostile. May be this is another lesson for me to learn - It is so very hard when you love someone!

I have the same thing going on here in my marriage. my husband emotionally, verbally and to some degree physical abuse. I never know when his outbursts are going to happen. I think sometimes they are very much aware of what they are doing and it must be some big game they play in their own fantasy world to keep from having to own up to the fact and admit they have a problem...

I think you have made a very good point there. I think they live in this perfect fantasy world which they have to preserve through validation and supply and when they rage it is a game to them and also another source of 'N' supply - I am so sorry you are going through this too lots of love

Calm waters at the moment - it is just so lovely to be with a loving, caring attentive man! But, you know what they say The calm before the storm - I am never prepared but no longer shocked! It still hurts so very much and I wish all the time that it never happened but if I am to stay in this relationship that I have to accept that both are the norm for him and I certainly can't change it just protect myself from the storm as best I can

I am still with my NPD partner and it is still a roller coaster ride but I am riding the storms and finding the good is making up for it - at the moment anyway. At least while I still love him and want to be with him I stay and accept he has this condition. Who knows what tomorrow will bring! Thank you again to everyone who has posted and shared their knowledge and experiences with me - it is good to look back through the posts and is really helping me xXx

I would say leave him as well if the relationship isn't getting healthier and you are just sinking with him it isn't fair to you or even him . Have you tried therapy? Individual or couples? It might help. Either way I'm here if you need a ear to listen or tech a eye to read and hand to respond lol

As we know narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder are on a spectrum. It really depends on where on the spectrum the person lies. You can have narcs with only a moderate degree of traits and then others who are right up the end in the pathological/malignant end of the disorder. Whether or not they know they hurt you I think depends on where about they sit on the spectrum. I would suggest that at the lower end they more than likely do know and possibly don't care but at the higher pathological end I don't believe that they do know. My husband is at the pathological end, hurts me, the children, and other people on a continual basis and has absolutely no introspection, insight, or acknowledgment of this. He uses delusional thinking to cope with reality and because of this is just not rooted in reality in any way. I'm not sure where your other half sits on the spectrum so it is difficult to say, but what I would like to say is that I have been in my relationship with him for over 25 years and all I can say is that it has been the most mind destroying experience and that he has got much worse with age. I would tread very, very cautiously and please don't expect him to change as I did, because that is never going to happen.

Thank you so much - I have left - I really don't think I can take anymore on the rollercoaster. As far as couples therapy - he wouldn't even entertain the idea. He is perfect I am always the one to blame!

I agree with all you say about the spectrum and I would say mine is somewhere in the middle. At this moment I have left him he has become worse emotionally and physically abusive and he hurts me with his cruel words and I am always to blame. I have written it down in a letter about how he behaves to me but he doesn't understand - he still blames and projects I think he has some awareness that he is different but not enough to want help

Thorn Bird,
Not sure if I am understanding you correctly - have you left him? or were you talking about at times when you have left him. My H escalates his bad behaviour every time he sniffs that I may be leaving, because leaving him is nothing more than a MAJOR threat to him. It is totally normal behaviour for a narc to act in this way and yes they never take responsibility ever because that would be admitting that they are fallible, which of course they aren't in their minds. I can't tell you how many times I have attempted to appeal to him on every level I can think of, but unfortunately there is absolutely no understanding whatsoever. In fact I would go as far as to say that it does nothing but fuel more bad behaviour because you challenge their bad behaviour. It is all very, very twisted and psychologically complex but you need to stay focused and remember that he will never change no matter how hard you try. Put yourself first because you deserve better.

Thank you so much for that - I do know all this - have been with him for five years have been discarded and hoovered so many times have listened to his raging and his emotional abuse and name calling and more recently physical abuse but no more - I will always remember the love I felt but I cannot tolerate behaviour to me that as you say I really don't deserve I have been good to him - Thanks again

I would just like to thank everyone who has posted and helped in learning about my relationship with an NPD and for taking the care and trouble to give me advice - A big Thank you to all of you.

This is just an after thought. Are some people more susceptible to making relationships with people with personality disorders. I feel at the moment that I keep making and repeating the same mistakes - and I just wondered what it is about me that makes this keep happening!!? Thank you would be grateful of any ideas - think I am about to get hurt all over again! xXx

Firstly, I want to tell you how sorry I am that your relationship ended, the way it ended particularly. No one deserves what a N does to people who love them, and want to help them. It's so frustrating and so completely sad, especially for the partner because they know their N probably has no idea why they are the way they are, and are so unlikely to change (get better). Being self-aware for an N is rare and unfortunately limited, as I know you've discovered.

I broke it off with mine a few months ago, and I know the pain you must be feeling.

In answer to your question...I've found myself meeting and becoming involved with people in the past, who did end up abusing me in one way or another (not just bf's or husbands, but friends as well) and only recently have been able to identify my participation -- am working on NOT contributing going forward, to these relationships. It's difficult. I still feel myself sometimes becoming more accomidating than I should be, or feeling strong emotions in certain situations; but I watch for the red flags, now instead of shoving them aside impatiently because this person seems so 'perfect' or 'wonderful' at first glance.

dx: BPD so I gather my situation is somewhat typical.

I hope you feel better soon...you deserve someone who loves you, and helps you as much as you do them.

I have met someone but we live miles apart - he has suddenly disappeared not an e-mail or anything. I am worried for his safety as I think he was being abused. He has been diagnosed as having BPD and am really wondering if he has just forgotten all about me and moved on - or worse if something may have happened to him and I might never know! xXx

I stupidly visited my NPD I thought a coffee wouldn't hurt - I have never hated him and in many ways still love him - just not the way he hurts and treats me. We talked but I remain slightly aloof and distant - and he began to rage and then to physically abuse me - I have an arm covered in bruises! I wish I knew why - and I wish I could help him but he is and has been always so unpredictable - he can be lovely and at other times angry, rageful and abusive emotionally, physically and mentally - I don't think I will ever be the same person again - his kind of love has really hurt me!

I know you know this but I'm gonna say it again....ANY contact with a NPD you've broken up with is hurtful, whether it is physical or emotional. They are built for that, and they do it perfectly. I'm sorry you got hurt again....please try to resist if the opportunity comes up again to see/hear/talk to/meet him again.

He isn't the man you think he was or should or could be. He is only what he is. And that is unfortunate, but you have to save yourself now. He won't do it. His motivation is to do the complete opposite because that is all he knows. He's a 5 year old, with unfinished, uncontrolled 5 year old emotions. I know you know that by now. A 5 year old can be charming and loving, unless they are denied something and go into a rage, that most times THEY don't even understand. But it is what it is, and for the vast majority, it won't change.

Take care

Thank you you are so right my problem is that once I love someone I always love them warts and all - need to start thinking of myself a bit more!