New here, and I'm the spouse

Hi,

I'm hopeing this is a place for the non-sufferer of depression. I feel the life sucked out of me, and feel horribly selfish, but I really can't take it. It's hard to live the rollercoaster of being married to someone with depression. My husband is non-compliant, each time he feels better, doesn't like the current diagnosis (was dx. as bipolar 2 last year and went to a new dr to hear something different then stopped his antidepressant again).

He is suffering more this episode than any and for me it's more proof I don't want to stay with him. I can't tell him, but I have been advised to not lie to him also. I'm tired of leaving, I'm tired of discussing our marriage, his conditions, his medications. I tried psych nursing once, I'm not cut out for this. I know how bad it sounds, but I can't really be supportive. I know it's not something he can just wish away or say snap out of it, but it's so hard on this end. I feel like I've got another child and not just in the picking up after, but the careing for and raising. I know it's not my job, but how can you not take care of someone who shares your home, your children, your fianaces. If he's not paying the bills I have to ask, look for and check up. If he's down and avoidant, I have to entertain the kids, make sure they get where they need to go, do their homework, and are unaffected by the gloom of the house these are not options. We tell no one, we don't discuss it when the episode has past. I tired last year to give him to "jobs" in our home, to attempt to keep him engaged. He didn't do them after the first 2 months. I knew then that his priority is not us. Sadly, it's him. When he's like this he says, you just want me gone. And yes, he is right, I just want him out of my home. I would always be here for him but I really dont' want to live with it any more. when he's kind and loving, he's exactly that kind and loving, but upset if I'm not receptive or appreciative enough. It's just so hard most of the time.

Can anyone relate? Am I being a horrible person? How much can the care giver take or have to take. I do not mean to offend anyone who does suffer from depression or any other illness. I do not l "down" on anyone, but I also know if given a crystal ball, I'd have made other choices. I'm not a cold person, if I married a diabetic who didn't take his condition serious, I'd feel the same. If I married someone with heart disease didn't take his meds, I'd feel the same. With depression, for me it is more fearful, what if I say the wrong thing, what if I leave and he gets worse? I could really use some advice here.

Hi, I'm new here too...and also the spouse of a D. I had to respond because NO YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON.

Living with a D is very difficult. Like you mentioned, not everyone is cut out for it.

If you truly feel like you cannot take any more, then leaving may be your only option.

What you have to question is this...
1. Is leaving the marriage going to be easier/better/happier for me?
2. If he got better, would I feel differently?
3. Have I done everything I can to make this work?
4. Do I love him?

After you have given those questions deep thought, then make a decision.

Hello both of you, and welcome

I am in the same boat as both of you. When I first came to PC, I was desperate and in retrospect, depressed myself due to the stress and anxiety of living with someone with severe depression. Thespouse... I have written almost identical posts as yours, many many times. LovesEcho asks some good questions... but I also understand your concern about leaving and worrying if he was going to get worse as a result.

My husband's depression is managed and under control right now, and I am eternally grateful for the support I have received, as well as for him because he eventually agreed to seek treatment. It wasn't easy - I feel that I lost years of my life while he was severely depressed - but I do have to say that I'm glad that I stuck with it because when he's feeling well, he is a terrific partner.

Please don't feel guilty about anything you said. Spouses/SO's of depressed people are an overlooked population and we have support needs that many cannot possibly understand, especially those who are depressed.

I am here for you if either of you ever want to talk.

Thank you all. I attempted to respond many times but hit the back space key and lost it all or someone disrupted me. I'm going to try again.


What you have to question is this...
1. Is leaving the marriage going to be easier/better/happier for me? (not easier financially, who knows if it will be better, but I do feel it would be happier)
2. If he got better, would I feel differently? (this is a tough one because I have seen him better on meds, but he never stays on them. At this time I have no faith that he will stay on his meds. He always makes the promise, then feels better, gets angry, says he did it for me and then stops)
3. Have I done everything I can to make this work? (this one is easy. yes, I've given all I can. I know I am equally responsible for many marriage therapy attemps gone bad when I gave up when he got "bad" again, but the last 5 years I've put my all in this marriage. I've learned more about self evaluation than I ever thought need be, but none the less, I've learned not to take things to heart, let the little things go, and forgive easier. All that to have it come crashing down again when he decided he again, didn't need to be medicated, he didn't have anything wrong, and I was controlling the treatment.)
4. Do I love him? (yes, but not in the way a wife should. I love him like family, a caring, protective sort of love. I feel the "spark" is gone, gone, and gone. At times I feel that closeness only to have such a rude awakening when he pulls away again. For me it's hard to love someone your not really sure who he is. A converstaion on a lunch hour that is friendly and warm would make you think that same person is coming home from work. We there is always a twist and someone dark, gloomy, or angry walks in. Mind you it's not always, but often enough to make one weary.)

I have never seen him so bad. It's the strangest thing. He can't stand to be left aone, even thought he is non productive at work he still goes..... because he doesn't want to be alone. He's called our daughter to discuss how he feels with her, who he refused to let me tell her earlier. He asked her to "pray for our family". She said he just sounds weird, and she's grown up with his depression.

It's becoming so much more overwhelming. From the time my eyes open to the time my eyes close he is trying to "talk" to me. I know he's waiting for me to break and say, fine, I'll stay with you, but I've tried to make it clear. This isn't the way I want to life, I do still care for you, but I am tired of living the cycles. It hurts to watch him this sad, lonely, and suffereing such anxiety. If I could make it go away I would, all but to promise I'd stay and that's what he keeps saying he needs. I truly don't feel I have anymore chances left in me. I feel like I am keeping that in sickness and in health so close that I'll be the next one that needs taken care of. I worry what all this has done to my kids. This week alone, we've seen and onvernight hospital stay for anxiety, and a passing out and having to be carried to the couch by his teenage son. I am so unsure of what lies ahead.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. I do not think you are a horrible person. And you need to do what's best for all involved, especially the children. You may not want to, but leaving him, though it may hurt deeply, would be in your best interest as well as your family.
There is just so much one can do, and so much you shouldn't have to.
Sounds like you've done everything, and now you are hitting a cement wall, may be time to part, before you are consumed any further.
I noticed you mentioned anti-depressant, but if he is Bipolar, it's more important that he takes a mood stabilizer, anti-depressants aren't going to do much for him if he is bipolar, but it's not uncommon that they are added in while taking a mood stabilizer.
Does he see a pdoc or just getting the AD's from a family doctor? He really needs a psychiatrist for proper evaluation and med treatment plan.
I'm sorry to hear what you are dealing with, at the bipolar forum you'll read a lot of posts very similar to yours, feel free to check them out.
I wish you lots of luck with this, it is very draining, I'm sure. Though it may be drastic, keep in mind if he doesn't care to follow a treatment plan, and chooses to remain going on like this, maybe a seperation or even divorce is the next step. It's unfair to you, and yes, even him, to stay together in a toxic relationship. You need to think of your own preservation, life is too short.
Is it possible his depression is due to wanting out of the marriage and doesn't know how to deal with that? Seems way out there, but cases like that happen too, a person may not have a problem, instead both are having personality clashes, which maybe at one time the couple got along fine, but time and age can change things.
I pray you'll get some peace, and he follows a med plan and even therapy, will he couples therapy a try?
Sometimes hearing from another person stuff about his behaviour may make him realize or think about things.
Just some thoughts here.
Please take care,
DE

The person depressed and/or bipolar, also feels they have lost years of their life.
My brother lost 8 precious years, not of his choosing but of the lack of the meds we have today, more helpful and more is known about these disorders than what was known in the late 50's and early 60's.
Sure there are some who help fuel their illness, but then there are one's that don't but will run into complications once in awhile.
Depression drains it victims as well as those living with the victim,it's an ugly monster.
It's victims become both people,the person with the problem and those living with that person.

He has been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and then went to a new dr to un-diagnose it. His newest diagnosis is Major Reccurent Depression. See I'm not sure what it is, nor do I really care for the "terms", just want the cycles to stop. Sadly he has proven only he has control over that. If he feels better and doesn't like the diagnosis or the med side effects he changes it. I've really tried to be supportive, but when the person I talk to at lunch is not the one that walks in the door at night then the episodes of withdrawn vs. depression come at least once if not twice a year....... it just makes it a very unstable, uncomfortable place to be. I have my ativities, I keep going no matter what and can take the little quickly resolved issues, it's just the legnth is growing and the discussions are never ending.

I know those suffereing also loose years. I feel bad for those who have to live with it as well. I admire those suffering who acknowledge and treat. I think it's much harder to admit than to deny.

He came home from the pdoc today with another antidepressant added.....none taken..... but one added, and even made the comment, "I guess I have to stop playing Doctor but I don't know why he wouldn't just change it". I see him still not trusting this new dr either. Soon, I fear he will stop these meds too.

Wow, I can really feel for you, and the frustration.
I may have mentioned before, but with all of this and the family having to constantly deal with this, while he just continues to be non compliant, may be the time to get out of this marriage, otherwise it just seems you are running into a brick wall over and over which is no longer fair to you or your family.
I pray that things look up for you soon, please take care.

It is frustrating. I'm keeping on my thoughts that this marriage needs to end, for me first, our kids and for dh, I'm not able to be what he needs. I'm not sure anyone can till he figures out what he needs. Heis terribly inconsistant. I can recall good times ( of course, they are only the two of us, no kids, no friends, just us), making tea at night, little ice cream cups, going to the grocery store. He's a very intense guy so those carefree times I guess stick in my head more than others.

I'm just tired of the ups and downs. He actually called me at work today to ask me to "be nice" to him, he was having a bad day. I haven't been not nice. He started again when he came home "promise you won't leave me". It's like he's not hearing me correctly. I'm not being mean, but distant but I'm angry, tired, and can't make the depression go away, I didn't cause it. And I won't promise I won't leave because I do not want to be married to him anymore. I will never abandon him, but I just don't want my life disrupted every time he feels bad (even if he doesnt' see his actions and irritablity).

How long can an episode of depression last?? I'm trying to be as supportive as I can without giving in but it's wearing me down. I wish, for him first, that the depression would lift, he's miserable. I'm also concerned if I wait till the episode if over to tell him I'm filing for divorce, will that bring it back? I dont' want to hurt anymore or send him into another episode.

Sounds like you are trying to have us all confirm to you what you already know in your heart. This is so unfair of you to do this.

Do you not realize just how much most of us are aware of the constant pain and anguish we put our family, friends an support networks through? WE KNOW THE PAIN YOU ARE DEALING WITH - WE ARE DEALING WITH THE SAME PAIN - JUST ON THE OTHE SIDE OF IT !!!!

1) Should we stay and watch you suffer through something we cannot seem to get control of?

2) What if I leave and get better, but end up loosing you forever, and my children, if there are any involved.

3) How is this going to affect my children? Is this genetic? Will they have to go through this as well?

The questions can go on and on and on and on. ON BOTH SIDES! Please do not underestimate the pain of your husband. Do you really think that his desperation is unnoticed by him?

Do what YOU MUST, for you and your children - especially your children! I suggest going back and reading your post - you are already answering the questions you are struggling with.

Don't put the pressure on us to make that FINAL decision for you - YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE IT!!!! We have enough to deal with here!

Harsh? Yes. The truth? Yes. The truth is often harsh - for all of us!

Altered State

AlteredState

I'm sorry if my post offends you. I did think this was the board for caregivers, not sufferes, and was looking for support and advice from those who LIVE WITH or care for someone wtih Depression.

It does not escape me how he feels, believe me. If it did I'd have no struggle, I'd just count my losses and move on. I feel for him, I have empathy. If I could take the depression away I would in a minute. I've supported him for years as he suffered episode of depression. I've also tried to him make choices.

Those questions you ask me to consider are a double edge sword. It's the nature of the disorder and yes it affects all surrounding it.

And your right, I am trying to find support while I work through the process, a sort of venting, read through the tears place. I guess this wasn't it. I didn't feel I was unfair posting in the "caregivers" section.

And your post actually sounds like it could have been written by my husband. Over the years we have discussed together your question #2 and 3 many times.

OOPS! You are in the right forum! I thought I was answering you from a different forum. My apologies. You were not being unfair posting where you did, nor for what you said, either. I wouldn't want you to change a word, nor would I want to you stop venting, either. It is good to be able to do that. Please do not go away because of my response - I tend to be terribly slanted one way or the other and often forget to consider all sides!

I am also guilty of not reading your entire thread - only your last post (which I responded to).

Unfortunately, when dealing with mental illnesses within your family, every question and every situation will be double-edged.

What is clear from your last post, however, is that you are at the end of your rope, no?

Also, your husband's unwillingness to continue treatment is a sign that things are unlikely to get better for you and your kids, only worse.

If he is unstable now, and unwilling to remain in treatment or on meds, then this is where you MUST take a stand - either he continues treatment (because, as you said, he is fine when under medical treatment) or you are gone.

It is so important for people with some types of mental illnesses to have clearly defined boundaries from those who care for us. We will ALWAYS try to get around those boundaries, because we feel this is the only way we can get what we feel we need.

YOU must keep your senses about this.

I liken your situation to one my boyfriend is facing now. His daughters refuse to support themselves or take responsibility for anything (and I mean anything) even though they quit high school and declared themselves "adults." Both he and his ex keep "giving in" to their BS, and the kicker is - they KNOW they are being lied to, yet they continue to enable their daughters by allowing these behaviours to continue. I am now watching both parents become less and less enamoured with their children, and resentment toward them is building at an incredible pace (especially since one has now cost them thousands of $$ and more payouts are to come). Both are at the point of wanting to disown their children, but will they change their ways? Noooo. Will they take responsibility for the way their daughters were raised. No. They only can see the end result - uncooperative teenagers with absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. To both of them, it is their girls' that are the sole cause of their own misfortunes. Kinda hard to accept this argument since they are barely old enough to be called adults, let alone the fact that they are not even adult in the eyes of society (law).

My point is, if there are no boundaries or no consequences, then how will you (or anyone, for that matter) ever be able to affect personal change and growth? You won't/can't under the current circumstances.

Since you are the stable one, it has been left to you to make the ultimate (and the most painful) decisions by yourself. You cannot rely on your husband. He has proven over and over that he is unreliable as respects his illness.

As a borderline myself, I get away with alot of things that I wish I wouldn't, because so often, most people are afraid(?) to take a stand for themselves. And, if and when they do, it is almost always too late for reparation. I'd say you are at that point right now, right?

I do stand by what I said earlier, though. You have ALREADY made your decision, the problem now is implementing it.

This can only be your choice.

As for worrying what effect this is having on your kids? Be assured, this IS affecting them - deeply, and could cause deeper problems for them in the future, especially if husband is now focusing his desperation onto them. They do not deserve to carry this load. It is not theirs to carry. It is yours, and now you must decide who/what you are willing to sacrifice: You and your sanity? Your children's? Your husband?

I am sorry if I sound harsh (again). I am not trying to be rude - only direct.

Only by saving yourself and your kids first, can you then be able to try to "save" your husband.

I wish you all the best in these dark times and pray you will find the strength to make the decision that is best for you.

Altered State

Hello again Altered,

Well now that we got that out of the way.....
This statement you made caught my attention. You're exactly right.

"We will ALWAYS try to get around those boundaries, because we feel this is the only way we can get what we feel we need. "

WE have set boundries, and he's crossed them many times. In an attempt to hold on I guess I have let him. I wanted to believe that his needs did not over shadow mine while plugging away to continue to set new boundries or try to establish them again. I could see it happening, but I guess I didn't really realize why. Oh, I did, but in good times I just choose not to believe. I truly did not want my marriage to fall apart. I clug to every good moment and prayed it would last.

And your right, I have made my decision. I'm just on damage control: His, Mine, and the kids.

Thank you for your insite. Again, I searched the net to find a place for "caregivers" because I know it's a double edged sword and I didn't to sharpen anyone's points.

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I searched the net to find a place for "caregivers" because I know it's a double edged sword and I didn't to sharpen anyone's points.

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Um, what?! If I think I got you right in your meaning here, you did find the right place.

Please do not underestimate the value of having scaregiver's forum (that was an actual typo, really, but I thought it was kinda funny, so I ain't gonna change it!) on this site. (There MUST be a reason why it is mixed in, and I cannot imagine that it is strictly for convenience sake).

I don't know about anyone else, but I often visit this site because I really don't get to "see" what my behaviours really do to others. Granted, it can be (and is) heartbreaking for me, but it is also a heartbreaking situation that you are in. If I can "see" only a portion of what the real consequences of my behaviours are, it can make a profound difference in my recovery. We (as in the "royal we") don't really specialize in seeing things as they are (meaning within a "normal and/or logical" context all the time, especially under duress).

You have been a courageous person - know that! You have done everything you can think of, right? Feel good about that, too!! It's probably only one of the things that will help you to feel good during this difficult time in your life.

Whatever your decision, I hope the best for you and your whole family.

AS

What I find extremely frustrating is Altered expression that WE have to make the decision. That WE as the stable one have to again do the right thing. What THEY as the patient have a hard time comprehending is how hard these two aspects are for US.

To be honest, my initial thoughts when I read Altereds comments were "oh hell no with the whole vulnerable issue again". I am sick to death of being told that my depressed husband is vulnerable. That he is suffering. yadda yadda yadda. Im at the point, as I am sure you are too spouse, of saying "I DONT GIVE A DAMN"! So what....its time for it to be JUST ABOUT ME. (sound harsh?)They have the luxury of forgetting the pain...of withdrawing. We have to continue to suck it up and live through it. Then if we do decide to leave we are accused of bailing and being insensitive.

My response to Altered comments of them knowing what they put us through is "BullS**T". You (collectively) have very little comprehension. If you did, you would work even harder to stop the pain. To stop blaming us. To find reality.
There is a fine line between illness and personality. I firmly believe that the latter accounts for a great deal of the problem in depressed relationships.

I know your thinking "what a bitter wench". You got that right. Living with a mentally ill person is a very tough life to lead....mostly because we never get a break. It's up to us to keep the boat afloat, to make things right, to suck it up and to keep moving forward. We do have to make all the decisions along the way. We do have to be the strong ones becuase we are "stable". And it is exhausting. Especially if after all is said and done the depressed individual doesn't appreciate it and condemns us for being controlling. We just can't win.

As for leaving...you hit the nail on the head Spouse. It isn't easy. While we know it will bring us relief from the stress, it doesn't necessarily bring us happiness. It opens up the door for a plethora of other problems. So it isn't a quick fix to the problem and it certainly isn't an easy decision.

(((( LovesEcho ))))

You sound like me. Are you me???

You said:
"they have the luxury of forgetting the pain... of withdrawing"

You know, I said the very same thing once in another support group that I am involved with. A very wise member there reminded me of the compassion that I sometimes forget when I'm at the end of my rope. She said something along the lines of "it's not a luxury to stay in bed or withdraw - WE have the luxury of being proud of ourselves". She said a lot more -- I wish I had saved it.

I know that urging you to regenerate some compassion right now is the last thing you want to hear, but I thought that her perspective was useful to me when I was ready to go ballistic with frustration and resentment.

Not sure what else to say other than you've done your share of helping others and I hope that you find some peace for yourself very soon.

Well Y'all I'm a caregiver too, I see the pain in my husbands eyes, when he sees me go to work, He was the SOLE supporter of our marriage.....Thank God...He feels so guilty, I see it in his eyes daily.....He has been turned down for his disability...even though he has worked everyday for the past 30 yrs, at the same job....sure he has retirement...but is it for this? Well it's become that...but that is not what you work your whole life for.....

I too have felt at the end of my rope.....Many times....who knows what the future holds for us? I sure don't...But my faith keeps me moving along.....I have to......I'm not ready to go down yet....but are any of us......I don't know the answers to any of these questions.....My motto usta be "I will never grow up~I'm having to much fun" Well was I ever wrong.....and YES it Suks.....But for me today, this is life....I have to live with it.....I love my husband...and I know without a doubt he loves me.....He went threw me getting off drugs, >pot< in 92, and i relapsed many times....he did'nt quit loving me, he did'nt leave me....because he was commited to me....jus as I am for today commited to him.....who knows where i'm going with this conversation....lmao... I sure don't....

This topic just hit home in ALL the post......as I read I cried....as I cry I get tired.....but were all in the same boat.....The caregiver, and the patient.....What do we do?
We just have to keep plugging at it....Praying, and hoping that things will eventually get better.....I feel Hopeful that they will...... I have to believe this!

keep after the request for disability for spouse... it's the system that denies everyone the first time.

TC

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<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

IMHO - as both the patient and the caregiver at different times in my forty years of LIFE...

I feel that the spouse has to decide what they need and want from LIFE and then make it happen, and if it is to have your MARRIAGE then you must accept the ups and downs that will come with loving and living with a mentally ill spouse, but if your decision is to leave so that YOU may have a better life, full of peace and a less rocky roller coaster ride then make it happen and say BYE now! - do not wait until later (for the right time).

AND....... YES - I realize that what I just stated is easier said than done....


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

(((((((((((((((((((((thespousehere)))))))))))))))))