[Jannaku]

Hi All,

It has been a while since I last posted on the forums but I have been completely engulfed in my situation and emotions. Things with my NPD husband are not great as expected, but things have shifted a little. I have been in therapy for around 12 months now and that has put me on a journey that has seen me spiral downwards often to the depths of despair. I know that I need to get out of this relationship since it is so destructive to me personally, and yet there is this overriding fear that keeps me stuck in it. Feeling trapped like this has made me feel depressed and so I have had to suffer with all these feelings of hopelessness, sadness, etc as well. At least I am being honest with myself for the first time in my life instead of living in denial as I have done for so many years.

Being true to myself and openly acknowledging how bad I feel about my life is a turning point but it has also opened a Pandora's box of emotions. For the last 25+ years of my life, my H has effectively eroded my sense of self worth and self esteem, denied me love, exploited my psychological vulnerabilities, treated me with disrespect, verbally hurled abuse at me, taken away my sense of self, made me feel inferior and flawed and slowly but surely destroyed my soul. My feelings are totally commensurate with my experiences. People with NPD are so destructively powerful. They infiltrate your mind, bit by bit, like a spiritual cancer and slowly, and invisibly, erode the core of your very existence.


I need to be able to overcome my fear if I want to change my life, but it it precisely this lack of courage or whatever you want to call it that is distressing me. If I can't cross that line and make a positive change I will be stuck here for the rest of my life.


Through all of this mental anguish and suffering, he remains oblivious to my feelings and continues to live entirely for himself. It is such a lonely journey.


Anyway, I had to get this out since it makes me feel better to share it

[embellished]

Hi Jannaku,

First off,I'm glad you realize that you need to change things and fend for your own happiness.This realization and acceptance,in my opinion is the first step on the path of change.

I suggest you see a good T or spend time with family and supportive friends who will help you build your self esteem.Have no remorse for doing things for yourself,you have just one life and cannot,by any chance,live it in misery.

Much luck and happiness.

Embellished