Do I have narcissistic parents?

Hey all,

I've been looking up information on narcissistic parents and I couldn't help but wonder if my own parents are narcissists in some way or another. (Or maybe I'm just an asshole?) I'd like to know what some of you think. (Sorry if this is a bit long.)

Here are some of my observations: my dad will talk a lot about things that concern him but will rarely ask about me or what I'm thinking and feeling. Most of our conversations are one-sided and involve me listening to him talk about what he did that day, his feelings on whatever things he's experiencing as well as telling me about his friends as if I know them. (Some I do, some I don't.) I don't like watching TV, but whenever I'm in the room with him and he's watching it he'll always comment on what's on as if I'm paying attention. (I'm not.) In addition, sometimes when I'm riding with him and I'm sleeping (or trying to sleep) in the passenger's seat he'll start talking! Worse, sometimes I'll have my headphones on listening to music and he'll still talk! I never call him on this because it would probably upset him, and if I ever do I'll do it half-jokingly so I don't sound like a critical asshole. One time, I left my laptop for a second to use the bathroom and I came back down to see him using it. I let him finish what he was doing and then I politely told him to ask me next time if he wants to use my computer. As a result, he copped a hissy fit. (We were supposed to go out to dinner that night, but after I said what I said he got upset and suddenly "didn't feel like going out". I was able to talk him back into it.) One of the things he said was he didn't like other people telling him what to do in his own house.

My mom would come home from work every day with something to complain about, and she would go at length about the crap that goes on at her office. One time I asked her if anything good happened in her day and she criticized me and told me that I was not letting her express herself. She said the same thing during another incident: my grandmother and I were sitting quietly in the kitchen listening to soft music, and my mother comes out shouting, "Hey, family! We're gonna have a great day today! We're gonna go out and have fun and" this that and the other. I asked her to tone down the joy a bit (I don't remember telling her directly that she threw off the vibe but I'm sure I implied it), and she got upset. It was common for us to have loud, hostile arguments over little things. One time, for some reason or another, I told her she was acting "*****y" and she got mad. I tried to explain to her why I said that but all she wanted was my apology and she didn't care about anything else. (That was another common thing: after all of our arguments, I was always the one to apologize. Otherwise she would just sulk and not talk to me or say as few words as possible to me.) I kept trying to explain and she only focused on the fact that I called her *****y, and she basically said, "Well, if you're gonna be that way, I'm not gonna talk to you." I lost it. I ended up pushing her as hard as I could and she hit her TV, knocking it over. Part of me genuinely regrets doing that, but that was years of anger and repressed emotions released in one brief moment. In truth, it felt great, but still, that was my mother and the one person I've ever been really close to. The arguments became so common that I moved back with my dad just to avoid it (my parents were separated), and I vowed never to go back. (I have no reason to anymore now that my mother's dead.)

My parents and I have had some good moments, but I tend to remember the bad moments more. Again, re-reading what I wrote I don't know whether my parents were the ones with issues or it was me all along. What do you think?

From what you have said I don't think it is you. It sounds as if your parents are so preoccupied with their lives and work etc. that they rarely have time or pay any attention to you. It is not up to me to diagnose but it would be a good idea to gain as much information about traits etc as you can. You must feel really quite neglected and I do feel for you - do some more research then you will have a better leg to stand on - you don't say how old you are - would you be able to move out - or stay with relatives or friends - with people who will listen to what you have to say lots of love and luck

I suppose I should give some context. I'm 23 years old and I currently live with my father. I don't work at the moment but I do have enough money to rent an apartment (I think). However, I've hesitated to do so because I'm a bit worried about leaving my dad by himself, and I'm afraid of living alone.

I realize I'm a bit too old now to worry about how much (or little) attention my parents are giving me, but the thing is: it's always been like this, even when I was little. My parents would often be completely occupied with work and their lives as individuals, as well as life (or the lack thereof) as a married couple. As much as I respect my parents, I never felt like I fit within their world or within their plans. I felt like I was something that just happened and that they simply accepted. (That sounds really cynical, but the more I think about it, the more it feels that way...)

Thanks for the comment, and I'll definitely do more research on this.

It sounds like it is a mixture of things. Just from what you've described, I wouldn't go as far as to label them as narcissistic (MAYBE your dad a little, but I don't get that from your mom's description so much). It sounds like stress and loneliness took its toll on them both and that after they separated, you became the one they talked to. But because they were stressed, this came out one sided. If they had both been in happier relationships, you likely would not have taken on the role of "listener" so much. Narcissism is an ingrained personality trait pervasive in relationships with all people. The question to ask yourself is how your parents related to people other than you. It sounds also like you have taken on a lot of responsibility for your dad and in doing so are in danger or becoming dependent on him financially, which can feel a bit like a prison. Perhaps a roommate? I am sorry about your mother, that must be tough

You're probably right. I looked up the traits for narcissistic parents and my parents have a few of them but not all. So I guess narcissistic isn't the right word for them.

What you said about the impact their separation had on them, you may be right but you wouldn't know it from talking to them. When I ask them about it, they sound like it was the best thing for them. (However, it did seem like my mother became more clingy towards me. There was a time when I would be bouncing back and forth between Mom in one state and Dad in another, and when I would leave and go back to Dad, she would always cry. This made me feel like a bad guy for leaving her, even though she didn't live alone -- her mother (my grandmother) was living with her as well.)

Regarding how my parents related to others, both of them have pretty large circles of friends and seem to be generally well-respected. (This is the polar opposite of me; I don't have many friends, and the friends I do have I don't really talk to.) One thing I will say though about my mother, some of her friends are very toxic people. She would talk about how they would call her and complain about their lives, and I would always ask why she kept them as friends. (She would always say, "I don't know...")

I don't know what you mean when you say I've taken on responsibility for my dad. We rarely ask each other for money...

I wouldn't mind having a roommate, but I need to get to a place where I feel comfortable talking to people again. I've become uncomfortable just being around people. (Ironic, isn't it?)

Thanks for your comment and condolences, and I'd like to ask you or any other people reading this a question: if you've gotten therapy for whatever problems you have/had, how has it worked for you? (I've been getting therapy on and off for five years and it hasn't really helped so far...)

Sorry to read, that your mom passed on. Must be hard, to be able to reconcile the past, without her here, to reconcile how your relationship with her became more of a roller coaster.

Not sure, if narcissism or not, you'd have to research further, than actions to determine of they had the 2 year old narcissistic injury or not. Along with other aspects.

I find, that trying to analyze family and others, is mainly useful when taking a moral inventory of self, and trying to understand and comprehend how and why we all interact with one another, the way that we do, in order to resolve the patterns in our lives.

What is it, about 5 years of therapy, that you aren't seeing progress in yourself?

Thanks, and I am doing some research on it. I think the specific moments I mentioned earlier indicated that maybe my parents do have some level of narcissistic injury, but from what I've read so far, my parents don't seem to be full-on narcissists. In fact, I'd say they're just as damaged as I am.

My dad was the youngest of four children and was essentially raised as an only child as his siblings were either in college or living on their own. He was an alcoholic and a smoker, but he quit drinking before I was born and he smoked occasionally but eventually quit that as well. My mom was the middle child of three children and she was raised in an abusive household. (She and her siblings were beaten and mistreated by their father.) Her father would eventually leave her mother and remarry, and she found out at one point that he had an entirely new family in another country. Her eldest brother became a an alcoholic and a drug addict. (He got better later on.)

As far as I'm concerned, I was never satisfied with therapy because I would sit there and talk to someone about my problems, but they wouldn't give me much sound or helpful advice as to how to overcome it. I was on medication for depression for a while but that didn't help either. (After I'd take it for a while I'd start to feel like a zombie or, generally, on auto-pilot. One medicine I've taken gave me "head shocks" that would jolt my brain whenever I tried to sleep and, even though I've been off it for a few months, that still happens occasionally.) I feel like I don't want therapy as much as I want an "exorcism". lol

I've heard about the 'brain zaps' before with certain meds. I can appreciate your hesitancy. After all, meds and therapy need to combine, together. Feedback, is certainly, something you need from therapy, and unfortunately, your experience didn't offer you that.

That said, regardless, of whether, your parents have narcissism, you sound the product of dysfunction. Kind of, the Adult Child thing. Whether that be, adult child of alcoholism or adult child of dysfunction. There's much out there, for self help and support groups, if that's something you desire for yourself.

I've often questioned, narcissism, with my own parents. Dad, more the npd side and mom, more the n 'style' side of the spectrums. Not, that narcissism, is the worst thing, in the world to have, it does have it's benefits as far as personalities, can go. It's just, being a child of, has it's own sets of ramifications and shapes, all of us, a little differently.

I've found peace, in my childhood. Taken a good, couple of decades, but certainly, working through my own stuff, was a lot of work and worth it.

How did you do it? Did you get therapy?