[Lyracist]

Good Afternoon All,

I am new to this site and am turning to this site for as much help as I possibly can get. I apologize ahead of time as this is probably going to be a long one but I will try to keep it as short as I can. I chose this site because the other sites I saw seemed to bash people with BPD and that is not what Im looking to do as I still love this person with all my heart. I dont even know where to begin but here goes.

I'm a 32 year old man living in NYC. Id say about two years ago I decided to try a dating site through recommendation of a friend who is now married to a person from the same site I speak of. I was honestly reluctant to use the site being that I thought it was pretty lame. Anyhow let me fast forward a bit as I have alot to cover. One day there was a storm in NY two years ago that had pretty much everyone confined indoors for safety. I ended up talking to a woman who I will not disclose her name for obvious reasons but lets call her Girl S. We immediately hit it off and chatted back and forth and then exchanged numbers. Soon we started to talk on the phone on a daily basis and hit it off even more. Our personalities seemed to mesh really well. Lots of chemistry. As I stated earlier I live in NY but what I did not state was that she lived in NJ. Our first date she drove to NY and I took her to out to dinner. We hit it off in person just like on the phone but for some reason what she ordered sucked and what I ordered tasted great. The second date I decided to make up for that and I planned on showing her my cooking skills and made a very well prepared meal with a bottle of wine at my place. In between the first and second date we would talk on the phone all the time and were getting closer and closer. I found this woman to be amazing and full of life. Our second date we ended up kissing a bit but it didnt go any further then that.

I believe we had about one or maybe two more dates before we took it to a intimate level. When we did get intimate it was amazing for both of us. Girl S had a certain something about her that intrigued me and made me feel really good inside. More time passes by and we kept hitting it off on the phone and in person so she asked me if I wanted to take it to the next level and get into a relationship with her. I totally did want the same. I spoke with her and said lets delete our dating site profiles together which we both did. The first month or two were amazing and everything seemed to good to be true. She would compliment me all the time about me being attractive and being lucky to find me. Now I have read recently on the honeymood phase or idealization phase but constant compliments are not something new to me so I thought nothing of it. I'm in no where shape or form God's gift to women but I am very attractive and it is honestly very common to me for women who are not with me to compliment me as well as women who are with me. I just chalked it up to something that normally happens to me with most women I come in contact with.

Girl S stated to me that she lived with a small family that she was renting from however as time passed on she disclosed that the small family was actually her father and his girlfriend. I brushed this off also thinking shes just probably trying to impress me and seem more adult like since I lived alone. After about two months of dating Girl S something happened that I honestly dont remember due to the fact of many other situations that happened since then but what I do remember is that it was something innapropriate as far as anger is concerned that caused me to ask her what exactly is going on with her. She admitted to me that she had been diagnosed with Major depression. At this point it was about month 3 and I was full fledge in love and I thought I can relate to depression as I used to be depressed when I was younger all the time and conquered it. I figured Im just going to give her more love.

I will only disclose some of the situations so you can get a general idea of what I was dealing with due to the fact that there are so many that I do not even remember them all and if I did this post would be even longer. Girl S was into Salsa dancing which I admired being that I always had wanted to dance Salsa but never got around to learning it. I used to go to Latin clubs literally on a regular basis but when Salsa would come on I would be lost and not even try unless I was drunk or something and felt like toying with it. Soon Girl S started inviting me to these parties that her friends would have but every single one seemed to be dire. She stressed the importance of each and every one like as if life depended on them. I went to each and every single one. The first major blowout that caused her temper to be explode was when I was sick one day and wanted to go home and recover instead of going to a party with her. She said it was ok at first and for me to feel better only to call me a few minutes later to curse me out and scream at me at the top of her lungs. I ended up caving in but found it ridiculous of her to behave that way since I was not feeling well. I got to the party and took a couple of shots and felt a bit better and had fun with her and her friends.

Major Blow out with Girl S number 2 was when I started a new position at the job I was working at that was very difficult for me to transition into. I explained to Girl S to please excuse me if I cant respond to texts that much while at work because Im under heavy stress and its hard for me to focus. I actually thought I was in over my head with this position and thought every day I would be fired for one reason or the other. At first I would stay up on the phone for hours and hours until she was fully comforted. Each day she would say thank you so much for being there for me. However there was an issue now. I hadnt had sleep in days and I was still stressed at work plus now running on no sleep. One day I said babe I really cannnot do this today I really need to sleep I havent slept in days. This caused her to explode on me once again. She basically said that if it were her and a friend was in need she wouldnt care about sleep and would stay up. I told her I couldnt because I cant keep my eyes open anymore.

Let me try to shorten this up a bit more. The relationship was still amazing about 80 percent of the time however now the blow ups were getting more and more frequent. Girl S stated you never take me out. I said ok well lets pick a place each week and well go there. This worked well for a while until she started to not want to go anywhere for some reason. Even I started to feel sad because I wanted to go out too. Then she started to complain that I never wanted to go to parties with her which was not true because I literally never said no to any event she had and went to every single one I was invited to. She was drinking heavy at the time and i expressed that I used to party hard to the point where I was out of control and could no longer go every day like I used to when I was younger being that I was older now and trying to not mess up with work. She started going consistently without me literally about 3 to 4 times per week and was getting wasted. I constantly asked her why do you have to get wasted its dangerous and Im worried about you.

Soon I noticed that I was never able to dance with her to Salsa and got tired of it and since I always wanted to learn I thought it would be romantic if I learned secretly and just out of no where started to dance with her to salsa as a surprised. I decided to take classes and learn so I joined the best class in the city for on 2 salsa by the very creator of on 2 salsa style dancing. The class was two and a half hours but I thought since Girl S usually speaks to me during that time I just better tell her the truth or face another blow out. Once I told her she discouraged me and made me feel really bad about going. She stated I dont want to hear about that crap. She cursed me out for it to the point where I ended up not going anymore and was completely turned off from dancing it.

While she was living with her father she blamed the depression on her father. She stated that he was dancing salsa and practicing in the house and it was keeping her up and also that he was going to some of the places that she goes to. Before that she was blaming it on her mom which is why she moved in with her father. Then she alternated from blaming it on friends until finally the blame became myself. She stated I was not there enough. Also that I hung up the phone on her when she needed me most. (Yelling and putting me down and attacking my self esteem until I cracked and said no more and hung up). I am not perfect and sometimes Ill admit I did yell back out of frustration and exaustion. I didnt understand why this person I loved so much was hell bent on making me feel so low whenever she felt sad. I had many of talks that stated I understand shes feeling sad but to please just ask me for help and respect my boundaries of being respected like a human being not a punching bag.

Now fast forward some more to the final breakup. I was in her apt Oh yeah at this point she got her own place. I was coming over week after week with no her not feeding me even though I would bust my back to make sure she had food everytime she came over. One day I got sad over it and in the morning I saw her eating and something clicked and I said babe I have to go home in a saddened tone. I went downstairs to have a ciggarette and came back upstairs to find out she downed an entire bottle of pills (asprin) in its entirety with an entire bottle of wine. I had to rush her to the emergency room and called her family. She was placed on suicide watch for a week and I was goign crazy with worry and was mentally breaking down. At this point my self esteem was fragile and my mind was weak as well as my body. When she got out the hopsital the therapist she saw diagnosed her with BPD. I immediately took her out when she got out to dinner and went to a party with her that my friend threw. I wanted her to experience joy. The following week I found out my mother was Ill with a heart condition. I was on the train when Girl S called several time the same day. I could not answer the phone being that the train was underground. Once I got above ground I was confronted with her saying why didnt you pick up your phone. I explained I was on the train and was asked the same question over and over again about 4 times. On the 5th time I recognized the conflict and beginnings of an argument and I exploded and told her my mom is sick please I cannot do this today I have to go. I could not beleive her lack of sympathy in my time of need being that I sat with her in the hospital and was worried to death about her. A couple of days later we spoke and now at this point she seemed to be in full blown phsychosis. Screaming hysterically and saying I do not own her over and over again and hanging up. I kept calling back and saying baby I dont know what to do. I asked if she wanted me to come there or does she want me to call the hospital. She kept hanging up on me over and over again and kept yelling and screaming until finally I said I dont understand is it me? I said babe I just want you to get better maybe we should take a break so you can get better. I dont want anyone but you I dont want to date anyone I only want you but I just want you to get better. She said no we should just break up because she doesnt do breaks. I said ok I just want you to get better. The next day I kept checking on her but kept being met with more anger and more rage. Maybe on the 3rd day I told her I dont want to be without her I just no longer know what to do. There seemed now to be some sort of sense of vengence on an instense level.

Its now 4 months later and during that time I tried everything I could think of to get her back into my life and prove to her that I love her with all my heart. At my weakest points I even begged. We were sleeping together for about 3 months after the breakup and still seeing each other but in between I kept being met with what I sensed some weird sense of vengence. On month 4 I asked her has she been with someone and she smirked and said yes. She seemed to take pleasure in my pain at this point. I am in no where shape of form looking to bad mouth her. This is honestly the person I love.

This girl has uplifted me when I got layed off from my job. She has done so much good to me in my life. She has tried to prove her love to me on a consistant basis too much to list. I have as well. I have and would spend my last on this woman. Hell I probably would jump in front a moving car to save her. I have even given this woman the shirt off my back in the theatres and sat there cold in my tank top so she could be warm. Even when I lost my job I spend my last few bucks and starved for a day or two so I could by her a cake and give her something. In my life I have always left a trail of women who are constantly chasing me for years to come. Im pretty much everyones "Guy who got away" to the point where literally every single woman who Ive ever had a relationship comes back stating that they have made a mistake and want another chance. I have denied every single one. I am the type of man who at first glance you would automatically think is the player type but is totally not. The type of guy that has a heart made of gold. I do not understand why this is happening to me. I do not understand why I am shut out. I do not know what to do. I do not know how to shake this feeling inside. I want her back and I want to work with her with the new found knowledge I have but how do I get past her vengence side. Is it even possible to have a meaningful relationship with a BPD. Do they even experience love. Is the Love even real. Was it ever Real. I have so many questions someone please help me. Anyone Please Help!

[shortandcute]

I really couldn't read all that because it was so d@>n long. I did notice, however, that you seemed to keep trying to convince us what a great guy (you think) you are; I mean like, saying things like "I have always left a trail of women," "the type of guy who has a heart made of gold," etc. I am personally turned off by a guy who has to try so hard to convince people what a wonderful guy he is. Maybe that's part of your problem right there. Other than that, as a woman who has BPD, I can honestly tell you that, if she has left you, then the best thing you can do is leave her alone. (And begging is not cool.)

[IndieVisible]

If you really want her to come to you or call you, then ignore her for a while. The whole abandonment thing will hit her and she will call you if only to tell you what a jerk you were for not calling. It's a no win situation. I'd take the exit be glad.

[neeshi]

I did read through your entire post. My feeling is that you should cut off all ties with her and find a way to move on.

If you are caught up thinking that the two of you should be together, you will unknowingly be sending out signals that you are "unavailable" if the right woman does happen to come into your life.

I read the entire story, and to tell you the truth you are a saint for sticking it out as long as you did! She really needs to sort herself out before she can be in any meaningful relationship. Encourage her to go to therapy/DBT if you can, it could well mean another blow up though... Goodluck to you.

[Lyracist]

Originally Posted by Lyracist

Good Afternoon All,

I am new to this site and am turning to this site for as much help as I possibly can get. I apologize ahead of time as this is probably going to be a long one but I will try to keep it as short as I can. I chose this site because the other sites I saw seemed to bash people with BPD and that is not what Im looking to do as I still love this person with all my heart. I dont even know where to begin but here goes.

I'm a 32 year old man living in NYC. Id say about two years ago I decided to try a dating site through recommendation of a friend who is now married to a person from the same site I speak of. I was honestly reluctant to use the site being that I thought it was pretty lame. Anyhow let me fast forward a bit as I have alot to cover. One day there was a storm in NY two years ago that had pretty much everyone confined indoors for safety. I ended up talking to a woman who I will not disclose her name for obvious reasons but lets call her Girl S. We immediately hit it off and chatted back and forth and then exchanged numbers. Soon we started to talk on the phone on a daily basis and hit it off even more. Our personalities seemed to mesh really well. Lots of chemistry. As I stated earlier I live in NY but what I did not state was that she lived in NJ. Our first date she drove to NY and I took her to out to dinner. We hit it off in person just like on the phone but for some reason what she ordered sucked and what I ordered tasted great. The second date I decided to make up for that and I planned on showing her my cooking skills and made a very well prepared meal with a bottle of wine at my place. In between the first and second date we would talk on the phone all the time and were getting closer and closer. I found this woman to be amazing and full of life. Our second date we ended up kissing a bit but it didnt go any further then that.

I believe we had about one or maybe two more dates before we took it to a intimate level. When we did get intimate it was amazing for both of us. Girl S had a certain something about her that intrigued me and made me feel really good inside. More time passes by and we kept hitting it off on the phone and in person so she asked me if I wanted to take it to the next level and get into a relationship with her. I totally did want the same. I spoke with her and said lets delete our dating site profiles together which we both did. The first month or two were amazing and everything seemed to good to be true. She would compliment me all the time about me being attractive and being lucky to find me. Now I have read recently on the honeymood phase or idealization phase but constant compliments are not something new to me so I thought nothing of it. I'm in no where shape or form God's gift to women but I am very attractive and it is honestly very common to me for women who are not with me to compliment me as well as women who are with me. I just chalked it up to something that normally happens to me with most women I come in contact with.

Girl S stated to me that she lived with a small family that she was renting from however as time passed on she disclosed that the small family was actually her father and his girlfriend. I brushed this off also thinking shes just probably trying to impress me and seem more adult like since I lived alone. After about two months of dating Girl S something happened that I honestly dont remember due to the fact of many other situations that happened since then but what I do remember is that it was something innapropriate as far as anger is concerned that caused me to ask her what exactly is going on with her. She admitted to me that she had been diagnosed with Major depression. At this point it was about month 3 and I was full fledge in love and I thought I can relate to depression as I used to be depressed when I was younger all the time and conquered it. I figured Im just going to give her more love.

I will only disclose some of the situations so you can get a general idea of what I was dealing with due to the fact that there are so many that I do not even remember them all and if I did this post would be even longer. Girl S was into Salsa dancing which I admired being that I always had wanted to dance Salsa but never got around to learning it. I used to go to Latin clubs literally on a regular basis but when Salsa would come on I would be lost and not even try unless I was drunk or something and felt like toying with it. Soon Girl S started inviting me to these parties that her friends would have but every single one seemed to be dire. She stressed the importance of each and every one like as if life depended on them. I went to each and every single one. The first major blowout that caused her temper to be explode was when I was sick one day and wanted to go home and recover instead of going to a party with her. She said it was ok at first and for me to feel better only to call me a few minutes later to curse me out and scream at me at the top of her lungs. I ended up caving in but found it ridiculous of her to behave that way since I was not feeling well. I got to the party and took a couple of shots and felt a bit better and had fun with her and her friends.

Major Blow out with Girl S number 2 was when I started a new position at the job I was working at that was very difficult for me to transition into. I explained to Girl S to please excuse me if I cant respond to texts that much while at work because Im under heavy stress and its hard for me to focus. I actually thought I was in over my head with this position and thought every day I would be fired for one reason or the other. At first I would stay up on the phone for hours and hours until she was fully comforted. Each day she would say thank you so much for being there for me. However there was an issue now. I hadnt had sleep in days and I was still stressed at work plus now running on no sleep. One day I said babe I really cannnot do this today I really need to sleep I havent slept in days. This caused her to explode on me once again. She basically said that if it were her and a friend was in need she wouldnt care about sleep and would stay up. I told her I couldnt because I cant keep my eyes open anymore.

Let me try to shorten this up a bit more. The relationship was still amazing about 80 percent of the time however now the blow ups were getting more and more frequent. Girl S stated you never take me out. I said ok well lets pick a place each week and well go there. This worked well for a while until she started to not want to go anywhere for some reason. Even I started to feel sad because I wanted to go out too. Then she started to complain that I never wanted to go to parties with her which was not true because I literally never said no to any event she had and went to every single one I was invited to. She was drinking heavy at the time and i expressed that I used to party hard to the point where I was out of control and could no longer go every day like I used to when I was younger being that I was older now and trying to not mess up with work. She started going consistently without me literally about 3 to 4 times per week and was getting wasted. I constantly asked her why do you have to get wasted its dangerous and Im worried about you.

Soon I noticed that I was never able to dance with her to Salsa and got tired of it and since I always wanted to learn I thought it would be romantic if I learned secretly and just out of no where started to dance with her to salsa as a surprised. I decided to take classes and learn so I joined the best class in the city for on 2 salsa by the very creator of on 2 salsa style dancing. The class was two and a half hours but I thought since Girl S usually speaks to me during that time I just better tell her the truth or face another blow out. Once I told her she discouraged me and made me feel really bad about going. She stated I dont want to hear about that crap. She cursed me out for it to the point where I ended up not going anymore and was completely turned off from dancing it.

While she was living with her father she blamed the depression on her father. She stated that he was dancing salsa and practicing in the house and it was keeping her up and also that he was going to some of the places that she goes to. Before that she was blaming it on her mom which is why she moved in with her father. Then she alternated from blaming it on friends until finally the blame became myself. She stated I was not there enough. Also that I hung up the phone on her when she needed me most. (Yelling and putting me down and attacking my self esteem until I cracked and said no more and hung up). I am not perfect and sometimes Ill admit I did yell back out of frustration and exaustion. I didnt understand why this person I loved so much was hell bent on making me feel so low whenever she felt sad. I had many of talks that stated I understand shes feeling sad but to please just ask me for help and respect my boundaries of being respected like a human being not a punching bag.

Now fast forward some more to the final breakup. I was in her apt Oh yeah at this point she got her own place. I was coming over week after week with no her not feeding me even though I would bust my back to make sure she had food everytime she came over. One day I got sad over it and in the morning I saw her eating and something clicked and I said babe I have to go home in a saddened tone. I went downstairs to have a ciggarette and came back upstairs to find out she downed an entire bottle of pills (asprin) in its entirety with an entire bottle of wine. I had to rush her to the emergency room and called her family. She was placed on suicide watch for a week and I was goign crazy with worry and was mentally breaking down. At this point my self esteem was fragile and my mind was weak as well as my body. When she got out the hopsital the therapist she saw diagnosed her with BPD. I immediately took her out when she got out to dinner and went to a party with her that my friend threw. I wanted her to experience joy. The following week I found out my mother was Ill with a heart condition. I was on the train when Girl S called several time the same day. I could not answer the phone being that the train was underground. Once I got above ground I was confronted with her saying why didnt you pick up your phone. I explained I was on the train and was asked the same question over and over again about 4 times. On the 5th time I recognized the conflict and beginnings of an argument and I exploded and told her my mom is sick please I cannot do this today I have to go. I could not beleive her lack of sympathy in my time of need being that I sat with her in the hospital and was worried to death about her. A couple of days later we spoke and now at this point she seemed to be in full blown phsychosis. Screaming hysterically and saying I do not own her over and over again and hanging up. I kept calling back and saying baby I dont know what to do. I asked if she wanted me to come there or does she want me to call the hospital. She kept hanging up on me over and over again and kept yelling and screaming until finally I said I dont understand is it me? I said babe I just want you to get better maybe we should take a break so you can get better. I dont want anyone but you I dont want to date anyone I only want you but I just want you to get better. She said no we should just break up because she doesnt do breaks. I said ok I just want you to get better. The next day I kept checking on her but kept being met with more anger and more rage. Maybe on the 3rd day I told her I dont want to be without her I just no longer know what to do. There seemed now to be some sort of sense of vengence on an instense level.

Its now 4 months later and during that time I tried everything I could think of to get her back into my life and prove to her that I love her with all my heart. At my weakest points I even begged. We were sleeping together for about 3 months after the breakup and still seeing each other but in between I kept being met with what I sensed some weird sense of vengence. On month 4 I asked her has she been with someone and she smirked and said yes. She seemed to take pleasure in my pain at this point. I am in no where shape of form looking to bad mouth her. This is honestly the person I love.

This girl has uplifted me when I got layed off from my job. She has done so much good to me in my life. She has tried to prove her love to me on a consistant basis too much to list. I have as well. I have and would spend my last on this woman. Hell I probably would jump in front a moving car to save her. I have even given this woman the shirt off my back in the theatres and sat there cold in my tank top so she could be warm. Even when I lost my job I spend my last few bucks and starved for a day or two so I could by her a cake and give her something. In my life I have always left a trail of women who are constantly chasing me for years to come. Im pretty much everyones "Guy who got away" to the point where literally every single woman who Ive ever had a relationship comes back stating that they have made a mistake and want another chance. I have denied every single one. I am the type of man who at first glance you would automatically think is the player type but is totally not. The type of guy that has a heart made of gold. I do not understand why this is happening to me. I do not understand why I am shut out. I do not know what to do. I do not know how to shake this feeling inside. I want her back and I want to work with her with the new found knowledge I have but how do I get past her vengence side. Is it even possible to have a meaningful relationship with a BPD. Do they even experience love. Is the Love even real. Was it ever Real. I have so many questions someone please help me. Anyone Please Help!

Originally Posted by shortandcute

I really couldn't read all that because it was so d@>n long. I did notice, however, that you seemed to keep trying to convince us what a great guy (you think) you are; I mean like, saying things like "I have always left a trail of women," "the type of guy who has a heart made of gold," etc. I am personally turned off by a guy who has to try so hard to convince people what a wonderful guy he is. Maybe that's part of your problem right there. Other than that, as a woman who has BPD, I can honestly tell you that, if she has left you, then the best thing you can do is leave her alone. (And begging is not cool.)

Short and cute thank you so much for the response. I apologize if you percieve my good guy comments as cocky or bragging. I assure you I am not trying to convince anyone of whatI think I am. I posted as much information as to paint a clear picture. Noone knows me here so I obviously would have to state the facts for you to know them. As u are a bpd woman you obviously know pain and know when you need some help. Yes begging is not cool which is why I stated it in a negative light. My mind is shattered and my self esteem is the same right now I am in therapy trying to put the pieces back together aka yes I am a man at a weakened state. If you read the post you can clearly see that it was myself who left as a last resort. I did not want to leave but my mind was cracking and I did not know what to do. As you already know since your dealing with the same issue internally though its not your fault you can unknowingly hurt people you care about and who care about you. I do not want you to take this reply the wrong way as I am in no way here to argue with you and do not in any way shape or form think im better then anyone. I am no better then that homeless man laying on the street and vice versa. I am do not think im better then anyone. Which is why Im asking for help in the first place from strangers who might have experienced the same thing. I dont think I have a heart of gold i know it which is why I can state it without batting an eye. Thanks again and be well on your own personal journey.

[LoveMe3x]

As a non-BPD in a relationship turned friendship; I'd say just leave her be. I'm trying myself to figure out how to cut ties with the woman I have come to love. She now has a new boyfriend. If she really loved me, then she would have stuck with me... but the up and down rollercoaster of a mess we called a relationship wasn't healthy for either one of us. And I too have (and continue to) spend my last dollar on her so that she can not only get back on her feet, but also made it possible for her to meet with her current boyfriend. Leaving me in a state of depression and feeling used and feeling like a loser. Although my circumstances may be different from yours (I'm a woman), the experience it seems remains the same. If you could cut ties with her now, I commend you in doing when I have found so hard to do. I wish I had your strength and determination to do so. She is my girl-shaped love drug and wish I could give up the habit cold turkey. Free yourself before she becomes your addiction and you find yourself looking in on the outside as she finds love and happiness with another.

[Lyracist]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

If you really want her to come to you or call you, then ignore her for a while. The whole abandonment thing will hit her and she will call you if only to tell you what a jerk you were for not calling. It's a no win situation. I'd take the exit be glad.

Thank u im contemplating just that. Thanks for the advice

[Lyracist]

Originally Posted by Supanova

I read the entire story, and to tell you the truth you are a saint for sticking it out as long as you did! She really needs to sort herself out before she can be in any meaningful relationship. Encourage her to go to therapy/DBT if you can, it could well mean another blow up though... Goodluck to you.

Thanks she supposedly is in treatment. However as I said after I left and was trying to get her back when things stabalized a bit better. She seemed to be getting worse and now had some really wierd sense of vengence. These past 4 months were my weakest points where my mind literally went haywire almost as if her emotions left her and went onto me. And my strength left me and went to her.

[Lyracist]

Originally Posted by LoveMe3x

As a non-BPD in a relationship turned friendship; I'd say just leave her be. I'm trying myself to figure out how to cut ties with the woman I have come to love. She now has a new boyfriend. If she really loved me, then she would have stuck with me... but the up and down rollercoaster of a mess we called a relationship wasn't healthy for either one of us. And I too have (and continue to) spend my last dollar on her so that she can not only get back on her feet, but also made it possible for her to meet with her current boyfriend. Leaving me in a state of depression and feeling used and feeling like a loser. Although my circumstances may be different from yours (I'm a woman), the experience it seems remains the same. If you could cut ties with her now, I commend you in doing when I have found so hard to do. I wish I had your strength and determination to do so. She is my girl-shaped love drug and wish I could give up the habit cold turkey. Free yourself before she becomes your addiction and you find yourself looking in on the outside as she finds love and happiness with another.

I definitely feel for you. Supposedly the way to get a bpd back is a really manipulative methid of cutting the person off completely which sends them into a frenzy of trying to get you back into theyre life. I tested the theory a week ago but I honestly do not want to manipulate anyone let alone a person I love. From what im reading so far it really seems hopeless for anyone to be in a relationship with a bpd. Really saddens me becuz I like to take a cup is half full type approach with love. It seems the cup is completely empty from all the things ive read on being with someone with this disorder. I wish I could take away all her pain to be honest. I think you are strong too for being able to love this person and still help them even when they are with someone else. That is not something I would have the strength to do. You have a great heart for doing that. Thanks for your response

[embellished]

Originally Posted by LoveMe3x

As a non-BPD in a relationship turned friendship; If she really loved me, then she would have stuck with me... but the up and down rollercoaster of a mess we called a relationship wasn't healthy for either one of us

Hi LoveMe3x,

My ex was a BPD male and I too have experienced all that you are experiencing now so totally understand your feelings.

A BPD's relationship usually has 3 phases=Idealize,Devalue,Discard so what seemed to you as love initially was mere idealization.A BPD has the emotional maturity of a 7 year old and treats people as toys to fulfil his/her needs of validation and sees no harm in moving from one toy to another once the needs are met.They cannot bond like a non and hence have no trouble jumping to a new partner.Hence the new man in her life.

Please don't take what she did to you personally,she is disordered and sick and does not have control over her actions.Do not resent her or her actions,will serve no purpose.

Focus on yourself and your healing and as time passes,you will be better.

Good luck.

[eblam81]

Lyracist, I read your post and it was long, but you had a lot to explain. I have to say, you have been patient with this "girl S" for what I would consider far too long. I'm a woman and I would never treat any man like that, even though I too, have been treated badly by men in my past, I have grown enough and learned enough to know that each person needs to be treated individually. By saying this I am trying to advise you that you cannot save her. It sounds like you have done more than your share of "helping" and "supporting" this woman, possibly to the point where she took advantage and didn't love you as much as you wished or loved her, as much as that may hurt you now, there is most definately hope out there. I have lived with someone with BPD and do now, and love this person with all my heart. The ups are so wonderful, that when the lows hit, I find that I have to hold onto those "up" times because that's what will carry me through the low times until it passes. Luckily, we have talked this over, (we've lived together for 4 yrs. now) and he has told me to always remember "no matter what I may say to you during my times of anger, always remember how much I love you, and that I don't really mean those terrible things I say and do!" I have left this man several times due to this disorder but I always come back because I love him so very much but the difference between my situation and yours is our committment, our discussions, and the fact that I do know that someday I may not be able to live with this, I'm not always sure. It gets that bad. Never take it personally, even though they lash out at you with personal outbursts (and that can get brutal!). Just know it's not you. Educate yourself about the disorder and keep reaching out for support as you are doing now. Also, if she has "other people" she's turning to, that's another area to be considered, in my opinion. I would have a more difficult time dealing with that on top of everything else. I think I may have to walk from this one. I've done it before. You have to take care of you, especially if she's not considering your feelings. It's got to be a two way street. When my boyfriend is doing good, he treats me like his "princess" and that's how I like it and he's my King. When he's feeling "down", I try my best to take care of him and remain calm. It's the best I can do for now, aside from more research and support for myself. Best of luck!

[Lyracist]

I do not know if shes reaching to other people aka with someone at this point I have not contacted her for a little bit. I removed her from aby social media. Also in her last blow out she blocked me from her phone. She left a voicemail crying and telling me she was not evil and that she had to live with the sickness. Plus emailed me. I responded back and forth thru emails and then gave a call only to be met with rage and then I was blocked. Since then I have not contacted her. I am going thru chaos inside but have not reached out anymore in any way shape or form since then. Trust me I so badly want to but dont. Thanks for ur support I appreciate it

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by embellished

Hi LoveMe3x,

My ex was a BPD male and I too have experienced all that you are experiencing now so totally understand your feelings.

A BPD's relationship usually has 3 phases=Idealize,Devalue,Discard so what seemed to you as love initially was mere idealization.A BPD has the emotional maturity of a 7 year old and treats people as toys to fulfil his/her needs of validation and sees no harm in moving from one toy to another once the needs are met.They cannot bond like a non and hence have no trouble jumping to a new partner.Hence the new man in her life.

Please don't take what she did to you personally,she is disordered and sick and does not have control over her actions.Do not resent her or her actions,will serve no purpose.

Focus on yourself and your healing and as time passes,you will be better.

Good luck.

I believe some of what you said is true, but as someone with BPD, I always tense up when someone generalizes all people effected by the disorder. I am guilty of running from one relationship to another in my past, but it was not done out of boredom... all of my "jumping ship" episodes have been caused solely by fear. I always feared being left, so I left before they had the chance.

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[ganbatte]

I am at the end of a one-year relationship with someone who has yet to be diagnosed BPD but all of the signs point to it. I am torn. I love him more than I've loved any man. I want him to get the help he needs, but I don't think I (or my 4 girls) can endure any more mental anguish and damage while he does it. I also am afraid if I sit and wait for him, their might be someone out there for me who doesn't have this problem. I'm sorry you're struggling as well, and I hope you find peace. I don't know yet if it's possible to have a successful relationship with a BPD, it seems hopeless but I don't want to give up! Good luck, thank you for sharing your story.