Depression Fallout-the spouse and family

I am new to this; the site, the world of Depression, being a spouse trapped in this disease. That being said, it is reassuring to hear others fighting the same fight.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years, have two children ( 5 yo DS, 8 yo DD), wonderful friends and community. He has been 'moody' for years, brooding and intense...but the last year has been different. Last October I actually managed to get him to the ER, they diagnosed the Depression and he was sent to a psychologist. They started him on meds and I thought the path to healing was set...
He went non-compliant after only 3 weeks, the meds hadn't even really had a chance to start working. Throughout the spring it was up and down. The kids started to react and comment. I told them that Daddy didn't feel well. It wasn't their fault, but he might say things or do things that showed how bad he felt.
This autumn it has been horrible. We went to couples therapy for a few months over the summer-with some minor success. I was willing to try anything. But, he soon decided that he wasn't doing that any more.
The mood swings and accusations just keep me forever off-kilter. I don't know which husband I will have from one day to the next. I don't know which Dad our children will have, the one who laughs and plays and reads with them, or the Dad that won't sit for dinner with us and goes to bed before they do.
I feel like I am navigating a minefield without map or instructions. I have read book after book about depression and the way this ugly disease works. I 'understand' that it is a sickness, a chemical inequality, the misfiring of synapses....but it doesn't help, because I can't do anything to help him-help us. There are days that I feel like I am crazy. One day he is looking at me with love and tenderness, the next he is telling me that all of this is not his fault but actually mine, I have changed, I have no passion for him, he doesn't want to be married to me any more.
I try to not be hurt, I try to remember that this disease is what is talking-not my husband. But day after day, month after month, I am getting worn down.
Our children also are struggling, of course. Our daughter is experiencing anxiety, our son has lost control of his emotions and gets into extreme rages with little provocation. I am seeing our lives stretching ahead of us in unpredictable cycles, based on what mood my husband is in.
I don't know what to do anymore. Do I sit and let him speak to me like that, knowing he doesn't 'really' mean it? Do I just get up and leave the room, refuse to allow myself to be abused like that? Do I ask him to leave, or fight for him to stay? Do I offer ultimatums-knowing that he can't meet them and I can't enforce them?
He has begun psychological therapy with a Dr he saw (and really liked) years ago. I am pinning a lot of hope on this guy. I hope he is a miracle worker-he has his work cut out for him. I have spoken to a counsellor for children, and got some tools and advice to try and help our family. I am trying to protect myself and our kids, while trying to be 'there' and supportive for my husband. I don't know how long I will manage to keep it up....

Hi. I'm new here too. I can sympathize. I have depression and I look at my husband some days and wonder why he even bothers with me. I'm not sure that I would be as strong as he is. He walks on eggshells. We finally have a kind of unspoken understand where I will shoot him an email on my bad days, so that he at least has a heads up when he walk in the door at night.
I am fortunate that my kids are adults, though not all are out of the house and so I no longer have to fake it for them.

The thing is, unless you experience it for yourself, no amount of explanation in the world can convey what feels like.

I am sorry that your kids are so young to have to witness something like this.
It's a long, bumpy road.

I can very much sympathise with what you are going through as I was like this towards my wife (we have no children… yet) and when I look back on those terrible parts of this illness I am shocked and in awe that she stuck with me.

I cannot speak for your husband as I think although depression is shared by many, we react differently to it… however, I’ll chat with you about what my experiences were and how we worked through it.

I would lash out with accusations at the smallest of triggers… I hate(d) confrontation and at any point that the wife would show frustration at something I had done or not done would throw me into an irrational panic that she no longer loved me. I am not a physically violent person (in so much as I’ve never touched my wife), but I would throw emotional accusations at her that would blurt out of my mouth and even while saying them I’d be screaming in my head ‘no no no’. It was very scary and emotionally tiring for the wife… arguments could go on for hours and all I wanted her to say was ‘I love you’ and to give me a hug… but of course this was the last thing she wanted to do as it made her angry and furious at me for being such an arse. I would eventually tire myself out and go despondent.

I struggled with this for a long time while refusing to get help, I felt fobbed off constantly by drs and therapists and decided that I was strong enough to deal with it alone.

I clearly wasn’t and it eventually dawned on me how much of an impact I was having on my relationship. It was a decision that I had to make, I couldn’t be forced into it… but I realised that unless I did something to get my moods under control I’d find myself alone.

I went for cognitive behaviour therapy which helped me to take control and the wife and I started up an honesty policy, whereby I would be straight with her if I was getting anxious but as long as I kept calm, then she would talk calmly back. There have been time when I feel the flash of emotions coming up but she can see the triggers now and usually tells me to take deep breaths… on the rare occasion I lash out she doesn’t react and just sits there till I again take a deep breath.

I don’t know if any of this will help.

I don't know if I am looking for anything other than to know that there is hope.... I love my husband, he is my best friend and the father of my children.... but the first place he goes when he is in a dark place is to how 'trapped' he feels, and how he needs to leave me and our family in order to be happy.
I am exhausted.

When you describe your husband, you are describing me. I have been in the same situation that he is. I struggled to battle this disease in private, but who was I kidding? Children can certainly figure out what's going on. My son is 15 and I've put him through hell. I've done all the things you described. I'm surprised I'm still married. Your husband is lucky to have someone like you to stand beside him, as my wife has done for me. Once he comes out of all this darkness, he will deeply appreciate all you have done for him. I hope his new treatment is the one that helps him break through. Hang in there.

GypsyTrix, don't forget that you need to take care of yourself, too. Is there a support group near you? It's very easy to get worn down. I'm glad that you recognize that it's the depression talking when things are not going well, even though the knowledge doesn't make it any easier to bear.
Perhaps talk to your GP? Stress and anxiety need to be manageable in your life for the sake of you and your kids.