My Boyfriend

Hi,

My boyfriend is suffering severe depression. He's in his early 20's and we've been together for about a year and a half.
I've joined this site to ask for help, because I'm losing hope and I just don't know how to help him.
He has always suffered with insomnia and is very anxious but in the last 2 weeks has become severely depressed. He has told me he doesn't know how he feels, he doesn't think I love or want him anymore, he can't eat or sleep and is vomiting on a daily basis.
I've told him I love him dearly and will always be here to help, but he's just shut down. He's told me he can't handle a relationship and has almost completely shut me out. He's returned all my belongings and is barely responsive.
I managed to persuade him to go for a drive with me, where he explained how confused he is and that he doesn't want me to hang on to him or wait for him to feel better, he wants me to 'move on' and find someone who can 'treat me right'.

I know he loves me dearly and that at the moment depression has taken over. Just a few weeks ago we were discussing living together and Christmas - which I'm worried I'll now spend without him.

I've tried to talk to friends, but as they've had little or no experience with depression they're quite negative. Saying that he just doesn't love me anymore and I should accept it, regardless of his emotions no man should leave their partner because they feel bad, he's still a man so should act like one etc etc.

I want to help so much and be with him but I'm losing sight. It's so hard knowing he's alone - I'm worried I'll lose him completely and it's utterly heartbreaking.
I just want some help and advice from anyone that's suffered depression or been in my situation.

Thank you xx

Can you talk him into seeing a doctor? Even his GP should be able to help if he is will to go. That's what he needs right now is medical help. Good luck. It's great you are sticking by him even though he is pushing you away.

Yes he's on a waiting list to see a therapist. He's just trying so hard to convince me he doesn't want me that it's hard to tell myself he does love me deep down Thank you xx

Hello PinkPurse,

I have depression and it is currently under control, though before it reached that point it caused quite a bit of turmoil in my past relationships.

To begin, Gayleggg is spot-on. It's clear that your boyfriend's bout with depression is very serious, and right now the best course of action is to obtain professional medical help. It's unfortunate that he's forced to wait to see a therapist, but with how badly he's feeling it seems clear that he needs help as soon as possible. Have him see his regular doctor in the meantime - they can prescribe antidepressant medication and provide additional assistance in terms of where to go from there. The typical treatment plan for severe depression is a combination of therapy and medication, and while it's a gradual recovery, it usually is effective with most people.

In terms of your boyfriends attitude towards his relationship with you, I'm very sorry about his attempts to distance himself. Speaking personally from my own relationships I've struggled with at my worst, I understand where he's coming from. When a person is really depressed, they feel like they are of no worth, and a detriment to those around them. On one hand, it means the absolute world to have someone you love to talk to, and on the other there's a sense of guilt that this loved one is being "punished" with your presence. That being said, you love him and want to stick by his side. Until his treatment process starts to make him feel a bit better, I think the best thing you can do is make him aware that this is your choice. Let him know that you fully realize why he wants you to "move on," and you understand why he feels that way. But emphasize that you're an independent human being, and you are acting on your own free will when you tell him that you want to stay by his side, and help him get through this. By making him aware that you acknowledge his reasoning (however clouded by depression as it may be), you might be able to mitigate his guilt a bit, and at least be able to demonstrate that you're aware of what you're doing.

In any case, best of luck to you. I'm sorry you and your boyfriend are going through this. If he's still insistent, it might be helpful to suggest "a little distance" instead of "moving on" while he focuses on treatment. It's a middle ground, and separation doesn't need to be permanent, and depression is treatable. Take care.

I just wanted to say, everything Haddon said is correct. Having been there myself and attempting to push my husband away, it took time to realize it's his decision. Sometimes, on my bad days, I still struggle with this.

Just wanted to offer some support even though I don't have anything to add. Best wishes; I hope your boyfriend is able to get some help soon.

Thank you all so much for your help and advice, it's very comforting knowing you think I'm doing the right thing
I spoke to my boyfriend and told him I was staying and helping of my own free will and that he wasn't a burden, and his actions have in no way affected my decision.
He rang me last night quite upset, he said he does love me and he's sorry, he wasn't expecting me to handle the situation like I have and thought he'd just be a burden but he understands now that I do not see it like that.

Obviously I'm over the moon that he's realised I'm here to stay and support him, but I know he still needs a lot of tender love and care and this will be a slow process that requires a lot of time and patience- but it's a step in the direction
He's also agreed to do some sport with me next week which I read on these forums helps a bit so I hope he finds it useful.

Thanks again and any other advice you can give id appreciate massively xx

I'm very glad to hear this. I wish you and your boyfriend the best. He's lucky to have you.

I'm in a similar situation only my BF that I live with has cut me off completely since before Christmas. I don't know why. I'm scared ,worried and lonely. I feel for you. I wish you the best.