Can you help someone who won't help themselves?

Hi,

I'm new here. I came to this site as I do for many others looking for insight and maybe help in understanding my role as the partner of someone who is struggling with some kind of mental illness. I say some kind because he says nobody has diagnosed it correctly.

Our background: We have lived together for over 2 years, he is 40+, unemployed and on disability (for mental illness). I work full-time and support us. We live a pretty good life, have a nice home, two cars, hobbies and toys and enjoy each others company (mostly). We go to movies, eat out, pretty much we're like any other couple I think. We both came from long previous relationships (20+ years) so neither of us have much "dating" experience.

I see his issues from the outside but I don't know how to help.

He is bad at being social - people shun him because he talks loud, is aggressive and a know-it-all. It's almost impossible to have an actual conversation with him where you exchange ideas because he will tell you that you are wrong and argue about things. But he loves people and he is sad because he can't make friends.

He gets angry very easily - at traffic, at video games. He loves to play online MMO games but insults other players by telling them they "suck" and they don't know what they're doing so nobody wants to play with him.

He gets very sad and depressed and when he does, he talks about suicide, about just "not being here".

He can be sweet and kind, and would do anything to help a friend. He's smart, funny, and loving. He's a good cook. But he's also lazy, lacks any motivation to improve his life (won't volunteer, won't do the things his counselors or psychiatrists tell him). He wants a "magic pill" to somehow "fix" him. He often says he is "broken" and nothing will ever fix him. He is on meds for depression and has been since we began dating.

I've tried being subtle, I've tried being direct, but at those times I've felt it OK to point out some ways that he makes others uncomfortable his "know it all" kicks in and he argues with me and says I'm wrong. He can never, ever be wrong by the way. I'm constantly backing down just to avoid arguing.

I've bought books and said "hey there is some interesting stuff in here, maybe you want to read it?" and he ignores them. I've linked him to websites and done the same. Nothing. I've suggested meditation groups, yoga, gym for exercise, etc. He won't go to those things without me. He says he only wants to be with me and spend his free time with me, and do things with me.

When do you give up trying? Am I doing something wrong?

I guess, if you want to be with him and help him and he only wants to be with you and spend free time with you, you have to teach him what you like with boundaries. If he gets too loud or invalidates your opinions/thoughts/point of view, he has to be told you will not allow that in relation to yourself and when he does it you have to leave/withdraw (in essence, put him in "time out" like one would a child who is too excited and not able to control themselves).

Explain that it is not that you want to control him or not listen to him but that he has to learn to be respectful and listen to you too and "interact". You do not want to be with a loud, know-it-all, disrespectful bully? Don't worry about how he treats others and whether someone else wants to be friends or not, you only have your and his relationship to work with and you have to let him know what you will/will not allow, how you want to be treated, etc. "When you are this loud and forceful I have difficulty hearing you/thinking and cannot stay right now; I will try to discuss this with you later" and then leave his presence and go do something else, somewhere else, that sort of thing. If he follows you into the other room, still yelling, etc. (say you go in the kitchen and start doing dishes/making dinner), you tell him you would like him to leave you alone right now and if he does not then you have to leave the house, etc. He either modifies his behavior or you have to decide whether you really want to live with someone who is that unwilling to modify their behavior/live with you!

I have to say your partner sounds as if he may have NPD - how does he treat you? for instance have you experienced his anger or rage? Do you know what I mean by 'the cycle of abuse' Good times followed by bad? Or is his behaviour only directed at outsiders or in traffic etc. To answer your question it is very hard to help someone who will not help themselves. Have you suggested he see someone? Or maybe find some literature he could read? At the end of the day he has to know there is something wrong and want to do something about it - nobody can do this for him - he has to willingly want help

Thank you for the feedback...you've both given me some ideas and things to think about.

Are you able to be objective about him? Or do you make excuses for him

Are you able to appreciate your own positive qualities? Or do you downplay/minimise them?

I think you are trying very hard to "help" him but he does not seem to want to help himself? Do you feel like a social worker?

What was your family of origin like? Were you cared for properly?

What does he do for you in return? What do you get out of this relationship?

I think you will know the answer to all these questions.