[Thisismeandnotyou]

Background: we briefly went out a month ago. She decided to break it off because she didn't want to drag me into her world of depression and she didn't want to drag me down. I took it quite hard.

Recently she's been going through a severe bout of depression. She hasn't come to school recently, she's been lying in bed, and her tumblr posts are very anguished. I messaged her asking if she was ok, and telling her she could talk to me. Later that night I told her I was very worried about her, and she replied by saying that she would be fine, that it's something she's been fighting with. We talked. I found out she's been battling for 4 years on and off with depression, and she has cut many times - she told me that once she cut ''it all changed''. I went through trying to make her feel better. I told her that it would all be okay, that it will get better and that there are things worth waiting for, that she had a shoulder to cry on with me if needed.

This is where things went pear-shaped. I told her about how I used to self-harm. Then I asked her if I could see her scars. She asked me why. I told her because she shouldn't try to hide them away, that they're part of her and that they're beautiful and she shouldn't be ashamed. I thought this was an issue because she had said on her tumblr how she had been looking at her scars and being reminded of the past so I thought they were something she was unhappy about. Anyway, she became very very angry. She told me I was romanticizing the scars and that I had crossed a very big boundary. I realised how badly I had just tried to comfort her; I sent her sorry messages lots and lots and tried to explain myself - my counselor had told me in the past showing scars is a sign of recovery; that I was telling her that she was a great human being and that scars did not come into it; that I didn't mean to make it sound like a pretty thing and that scars are in fact something ugly, which is almost a worse thing to say. I apologized many many times but she said sorry did not help, which I agree with. I asked her if she was angry and she told me she was very angry, pissed, and that she was done. I asked about what could be done and what would happen in the future; she said that the only thing I can do is wait. In the future, because she is a ''generally forgiving person'' there is a chance of us being friends, but that at the moment she is ''shocked and appalled'' and that she feels sick which is a ''bad sign''; and that even us being friends was in doubt. She stated in the past people have done the same thing to her and she is sick of it.

As you can see, I have messed up monumentally. I know i did everything wrong, and I'm not disputing that. But what I need is some way to make it up to her. Some way to make things right. I know there's no chance of us getting back together, not anymore. I am hoping desperately that we can be friends. But I don't want her angry, and even if we can't be friends I want her to have at least forgiven me. And if I did wait, there's no guarantee she'll contact me. Waiting could be forever. I'd just sit there hoping she'd contact, and I can't ever say hi ever again because she told me to wait. So I'd love to wait if it helps her but I don't think it will because that's tantamount to never speaking again, really.

We talk mainly over snapchat, not at school ever. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's big enough to show that I am so terribly sorry and that I am so so so sorry. Ages are 16 m me, 17 f her if it helps anything.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC), Thisismeandnotyou. So sorry you feel guilty. You or I cannot solve someone else's problems. It is not your fault. Maybe if they want to get better they need to get a therapist or psych doc to help them. Maybe you might consider a therapist to help sort out the pieces.

So glad you joined the Psych Central community. I have felt it is a safe and nurturing environment. Hope you feel comfortable here too.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[NowhereUSA]

I actually don't think you've messed up at all.

You're both young and I don't mean that in a condescending way, just in a factual way - that is, there isn't a lot of life experience there. Her reaction doesn't sound like it's a reaction to you, it sounds like a reaction to something else in her life, likely (and this is just a guess) whatever is causing or exacerbating her depression.

My point is, the issue is on her end, not yours. As painful as that is to say, it means that it's not something you can fix as deeply as you may want to.

[kaliope]

hi thisismenotyou
nowhere pretty much said what i wanted to say. you didnt say or do anything wrong at all. you passed on a technique that was healing for you. your friend is responsible for her own reactions. she is angry at herself and projecting it on you. she will not understand your intentions until she is out of her depression. then you can try explaining again and maybe she will listen. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Thisismeandnotyou!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm so sorry you're feeling such anguish over this situation. It's very painful indeed to apologize and not have it accepted, especially when It's someone you care for deeply. I agree with everyone here. You did nothing wrong. She's very young and maturity is not on her side. She's depressed and is most likely lashing out at everyone and everything. I wish I'd had a friend like you when I was young and experiencing a severe episode of depression myself, even so it's difficult to accept that encouragement when your in that state as everything seems hopeless. You sound like a wonderful friend!!!! Give her some time. I hope she's getting some kind of medical help.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!