[Petra5ed]

I have a (severely) borderline parent and I'm struggling a lot with the heavy guilt trips that she has put on me and continues to shamelessly. Almost every interaction I hear how I should "be ashamed of myself" or "no one is as cruel" as I am. She has even said that I abused her as a child and that everyone should feel sorry for her for having to deal with me. It would be one thing if I was this monster, but in reality I am just an emotionally beaten down person who cannot give into my mothers time demands and keep my sanity.

The guilt that I don't see her and pain that she is so hopelessly struggling sometimes feels like it's eating me alive. I believe the guilt has been fostered and trained in me since I was a small child, because I can remember having to give her backrubs etc. to calm her when she was hysterical. And because I've always been so angry at her. Anyways, how can I forgive myself for not being able to help her, how can I admit that I cannot help her and that I cannot/ do not want to spend much time with her. I can remember the ominous warning she's given me a hundred times that "one day I'll be gone and you'll wish you'd seen me more." Just thinking about it makes me literally feel physically sick. I have a feeling this pain is not going away, and I'm scared about that, and quite frankly also angry and disgusted that in 2014 when we are about to cure AIDS there is still nothing to be done for a severely mentally ill parent.

[kaliope]

you need to realize that there is nothing to forgive yourself for. you do not owe your mother all that time and energy to take care of her. it was her job to take care of you. it sounds like you have put enough energy into her. so just keep telling yourself over and over...its not my job..my mom is an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of herself..and remain guilt free. live your own life. be there for her birthday, mothers day, holidays and contact her once a week to see how she is doing..or whatever you are comfortable with so you do not feel guilty when that time comes. but it is not your job to care for her. enforce that to yourself. take care.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm so sorry you've had all this guilt put on you. It's really not fair at all.

There is something to be done for her but only if she's willing to help herself. That's her job, not yours. What you need to do is take care of yourself now - I would start by reading some books about the residual guilt from having toxic parents (try Children of the Self Absorbed) and perhaps some therapy if you're not already having it.

[hvert]

Guilt over mothers is the worst, isn't it? I struggle with the same sorts of feelings about my own mother. You aren't alone.

In my experience, the less contact I have with my mother, the less guilt I feel. I hope things get better for you as you continue to recognize that you can't solve your mother's problems no matter how much you want or she wants.

[unaluna]

"One day she'll be gone" - is that a threat or a promise, as we used to say when we were kids. What IS that sick feeling? For me, i think it was fear. She scared the shyte out of me. What was the purpose of that? Easier to accept that maybe she just didnt much like me. She always said i was just like my dad, and it was not a compliment. Sometimes parents and kids just arent suited to each other. Whatever her issues are or were, they arent mine anymore. I tried til i couldnt try anymore.

[Werewoman]

I wish my mother would say to me, "One day I'll be gone and you'll wish you'd seen me more!" because my response would be, "Fine, could you speed it up a little?"

Okay, that was mean.

I'm being mean again.

Sometimes I try hard not to. This is not one of those times.