[Echidna]

Hello folks. I posted on another forum but didn't get much response, probably due to the excessive length of my post, so though I would try my luck here with something much shorter. This is the first time I've posted here, I hope that's okay.

My problem is that I live with my partner who is a social anxiety sufferer, and has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Her issues are very acute, she has no friends and will not leave the house unless she has no other choice (maybe a few times a year). I'm an ex-sufferer myself, so can sympathise to some degree. The issue I have is that she completely refuses to seek any help, and makes no effort to improve. I'm really not happy in the relationship as so much of it seems to revolve around her problems, and I can't see things getting any better in the future. Part of me wants to ask her to move out (she is living at my house) only I'm afraid of how it might effect her. The last thing I want is to hurt her, but by allowing her to live with me, I'm hurting myself. Has anybody had any experience of this sort of situation? I really don't know how to resolve it.

Thanks

[Echidna]

Sorry, I should have posted this to the "New Member Introductions" thread instead. Maybe it can be moved there.

[gayleggg]

I can understand your situation. I can understand your not wanting to hurt her but you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself. I would ask her to leave if it were me but that's easy for me I'm not the one who has to do it.

Does she have some place she can go? Does she have any income that would allow her to get her own place? These are really her issues but to avoid guilt you really have to consider them. I hope the two of you can part ways peacefully.

[Echidna]

Thanks for responding, Gayle. She doesn't really have anywhere obvious to go, though I suspect she could possibly move in with her brother. She does have some money of her own (a relative bequeath her a generous amount) and would be able to claim more benefits if she moved out, so should be okay. It's her mental health I worry about the most though.

I guess I feel guilty because I want more out of the relationship than she does, which isn't really her fault. I had an extremely deprived childhood; my parents literally never took us on holiday a single time, or did anything that cost money. We maybe ate out once (under very extreme circumstances) and I never even tasted take-away food until I was like 16. That combined with my parents decision to home school us meant I had very isolated child-hood, with very few experiences. Through my teens and 20s, social anxiety prevented me changing that, so now I feel like I've lost out on so much time. I'm going to be 37 this year, and would love to start catching up, only my partner refuses to even leave the house.

It's a frustrating situation to be in, I want a proper grown up relationship but she just wants something a whole lot more casual. If it hadn't been for her mental health issues then breaking up would have been much easier. Hurting someone else for my own reasons just isn't part of my nature though, but I'm not sure things will change without me doing something.

Originally Posted by Echidna

Thanks for responding, Gayle. She doesn't really have anywhere obvious to go, though I suspect she could possibly move in with her brother. She does have some money of her own (a relative bequeath her a generous amount) and would be able to claim more benefits if she moved out, so should be okay. It's her mental health I worry about the most though.

I guess I feel guilty because I want more out of the relationship than she does, which isn't really her fault. I had an extremely deprived childhood; my parents literally never took us on holiday a single time, or did anything that cost money. We maybe ate out once (under very extreme circumstances) and I never even tasted take-away food until I was like 16. That combined with my parents decision to home school us meant I had very isolated child-hood, with very few experiences. Through my teens and 20s, social anxiety prevented me changing that, so now I feel like I've lost out on so much time. I'm going to be 37 this year, and would love to start catching up, only my partner refuses to even leave the house.

It's a frustrating situation to be in, I want a proper grown up relationship but she just wants something a whole lot more casual. If it hadn't been for her mental health issues then breaking up would have been much easier. Hurting someone else for my own reasons just isn't part of my nature though, but I'm not sure things will change without me doing something.

I have Borderline and social anxiety. If I had someone to actually love me, damn i would do everything to try to make it work. I'm trying to help myself but i found i had to educate myself with what it is I have wrong with me first. Don't know if it helps you much but it you really love this person and the feeling is the same with them, i would do everything in my power to make it work...educate..read...talk to professionals...whatever.

[3xjj]

I wonder what she would say if you asked her if she thought the relationship was working? Or if you asked her what the solution was to you wanting to explore the world and her wanting to retreat from it?

[Echidna]

Originally Posted by Sorcerer 666

if you really love this person and the feeling is the same with them, i would do everything in my power to make it work...educate..read...talk to professionals...whatever.

That's just it. I've tried to help her, and make things work, but its only ever me that tries. I've got some counselling qualifications and volunteer for a charity that supports people in emotional distress; I've also struggled with my own mental health issues, so de have some experience in this field. It's like she's reached an impasse with her own emotional problems and is unwilling to try and advance things further. I've tried to talk to her but she says that she is as good now as she will ever be, that maybe if she worked really hard then she might improve a little, but that she doesn't really see any point. Maybe she's right, but that hardly makes things any easier for me.

It's not just her agoraphobia though. She never wants to do anything together even when we are in the house, not even TV or films. I get home from work and all she does all evening is play this online game she's addicted to. I think maybe part of the problem is that she is younger than me, only being 30 this year, so doesn't feel the same need to settle down. I've found one of the hardest parts of being with someone with mental health problems is knowing where these issues end, and just normal relationship problems begin.

Originally Posted by 3xjj

if you asked her what the solution was to you wanting to explore the world and her wanting to retreat from it?

I asked her that once and she just said that she wasn't stopping me from doing anything, she just didn't want to be part of it. I guess she's right, but I've always struggled to make friends due to having had social anxiety and self esteem problems when younger. Finding a relationship was meant to be a step forwards with that.

[Echidna]

Maybe some of what I've been saying is unfair. I am naturally quite laid back, and am hardly very assertive in the relationship. Maybe I should take more responsibility before talking about breaking up. This is the first long term relationship I've had, so I've usually just let her choices take centre stage. For instance, I have suggested we do things together, but never really tried to address it like there was a problem, or tried to have a grown up debate about it. I guess there is a difference between kind of blindly pushing for things I think might be better, and actually trying to achieve some kind of positive change. Our love-life has mostly broken down, but that's mainly due to apathy from both of us.

I don't know how weird other people might find this, but neither of us have ever used the word "love" to describe how we feel. Not once. It's just a not a word that's ever felt appropriate. I had always assumed that was because her mental health problems made that level of emotional commitment too difficult, though I've never really asked her.

[3xjj]

I liked your last post. It sounds to me like you still have work to do as far as communication. Personally, I couldn't quit until I knew I had done everything possible. I'm not saying this relationship will work out for you, but if you don't address your passivity now, it will come back to haunt you in your next relationship.

[waiting4]

3xjj definately hit the nail.....seems there are some issues you need to address on your own Echidna or they will come back thru another relationship.

I'm wondering tho, if neither of you have used the word 'love' to describe your relationship, is it only because of a difficult level of commitment on her end or that it seems an inappropriate discription, or is it that this is not the emotion (you at least) feel for her? Because if you DON'T love her, no matter how much you do to try to help her out of her rut, that doesn't mean you will ever love her (in the way I believe, you want to love a person). You cannot force an emotion like that, especially if it's more out of guilt or responsibility.

The best thing I suppose would be to first decide what it is that you honestly feel for this girl and then if it's not truly love, then it may be a good idea to talk to her about her options...honestly, and kindly, but firmly. In any case, you're not happy, and if working on your passivity is something that is important to you (and I think it is and should be) depending on her to help you is a lost cause.

I wish you well, recognizing any decision you make is going to be difficult.