[LoveAll7]

Hi.. I am in love with my friend, who has many alters. I have only met a few, at best, but I'm not sure. I really need help to understand how I can be there for him.
(I will try to keep details to a minimum but I've known him a long time and I think details might be important for anyone who can tell me what to do)
We have known each other from middle school and really care for each other, but sadly, that kept us more away and together. When I met him and fell in love, I was suffering from PTSD and other phobias because of childhood sexual abuse. There was a strong voice inside me, which said that I could destroy his life if I touched it. Because of my coping, I considered myself vile and manipulative and had a 10000 thoughts about how I could harm him. When I was 23, I realized I had been abused repeatedly when I was only 6, by a very close family member. The pain and how my parents dealt with it was so painful for me, that I buried the memory, but I kept feeling like I was a wh*** My abuser continued to emotionally abuse and bully me for the next 20 years. I had been blaming myself and hurting myself emotionally to cope..

I didn't want to do anything with the love of my life until I was sure I had magically transformed into someone who wouldn't hurt him, someone more worthy of love. I was really just a child.It seemed impossible at the time, because my childhood had really badly scarred me. But I felt really connected to him and I would protect him from me. I was very harsh towards both of us. He tried to talk to me almost every day for two years, but I had built walls. We were both very young and because I didn't talk to other boys and was shy, I thought what I was doing would be expected. He didn't say anything directly to me. But, because I was just hurting myself, I told myself that he's not sure. Reality was I was not talking to him at all..
How do you tell someone like that that you like them and want to know them better? It's beyond me now. I am in therapy and I realise now that even this is a shame-cycle I need to break all the time.

Long story short, we both really wanted to be with each other but because both of us had complicated childhoods, coupled with bad social skills,awkwardness, bad luck and not having dealt with our past in time, we complicated our adolescent years and almost our entire 20s. In school, I fell in love with him but couldn’t say anything, thanks to years of self-shaming, judging, cutting off painful memories and coping. He kept trying to talk to me and I thought I’d lure him in and spoil his life. So I was mostly silent. In our first few months of college, he came back and tried to be open and vulnerable. How it happened was, he sat next to me and came so close that I got up.. He misinterpretated and didn’t say anything to me.. I don’t know if an alter took over to protect him.. Anyway, a few years into college, I started e-mailing him and flirting. It wasn’t my style but I was panicking. Went on for some time, but then both of us stopped. Later, I stalked him and found his number and asked him out.. I thought I was being very direct and brave and that my actions indicated enough about my intention,, but it wasn’t enough.
We kept meeting and making it obvious to the other that we were very interested, but never at the same time. He hinted at being ready for a relationship with me several times. I did the same a few years later. Communication could never be clear, even though we wanted it to be. I told him about how bad the sexual abuse really was for me.. I told him who did it which spoke volumes. But back then, I had still not uncovered many things about the abuse.. still not recovered my memory of it.. not gone for therapy, not cried enough. So I didn’t know that many things in my life were topsy turvy because of this. He used to interrupt me a lot and tell me he didn’t believe many things – like I told him I felt very strongly for him.. that there was no reason for my love.. that it was innate. He said he didn’t buy it.. he was like “no..I think that there’s always a reason you want someone and logic.. so you can kill that reason and be free.” He told me he didn’t like it when people would try to use him or control him. I told him very sincerely that I didn’t want to change him or try to control him. He told me that when people try to do that, he just throws them out of his life. Time flew, like always, even though we were just arguing, but I was tired at the end of the day and was feeling distraught.
That day, he told me about his alters. I didn’t understand because I didn’t know anything about DID then. When I asked him what that meant, he told me he is very different on days. One day, he might be a very devout follower of his religion, the other day, someone completely different. He told me that there had been some girls in his office, who tried to start a relationship with him, but it didn’t work out with any of them. In a week, they’d flee saying he was driving them mad. I didn’t know what alters were so I thought he was warning me told him even I was very different on different days. He told me this was different, but I didn’t understand. He said some mean things minutes later. He said “ You don’t cry, do you?” Prolly because I didn’t cry when he told me about the other girls.. or about the alters. Well, I hadn’t even understood what DID was. And about the girls, I didn’t believe him. I knew he loved me and he wouldn’t move on until there was any chance with me.. and there was.. I had mailed him, asked him out many times etc..

All through this, after I realized he was trying to keep me from being with him, I decided to protect him. I got into self-sabotage mode again and started telling him about me and my life in a light that would show that I was a complicated person, selfish, unreliable, shallow and also unable to communicate clearly. I could see that he was giving himself a hard time about not being able to give me what I wanted. So, I had to step in and let it be know that I perhaps didn’t deserve his love and attention. Now I know that must;ve been so difficult for him. I was taking away from the girl he loved.
I loved him and I wanted to make sure he was happy. If that meant, he had to move on from me, I would make it easy for him. After therapy I realized I was doing all this because I enjoyed hurting myself. Taking him away was the most hurtful thing I could do to myself. Especially because, I had never truly given myself a chance to show him myself.. how I really was in the present. I had never allowed myself to be relaxed and thinking about what I wanted also…had not flirted with him.. given him compliments, asked him for compliments.. done regular stuff that people who like each other do,, without thinking so much about what could go wrong. Wish I could have just got to find out how to love him.. not just what I “thought” he needed. Maybe have a two-way conversation and understand from him what made him feel happy and loved. I was telling him about my problems and problems alone. I wasn’t being charming and funny.. My friends tell me I should be try stand-up comedy, but I wasn’t being funny.. when we chatted online sometimes, I was more myself.
Once long back, when I had just told him how I felt for him, he had said that it was “all theory, not practical”. I told him why I couldn’t..in installments, because he cared for me and my sad past could trouble him. I didn’t want my reality to hit him hard. I caused damage to myself I know.. but I’d do it for him. This was nothing really.
Anyway, I met him the following year and was keeping in touch on Gtalk.. That day, I was calmer.. I told him some good things about me, about some of my happy memories from childhood.. I told him to give us a try.. that he could be wrong to be thinking it wouldn’t work out. In our discussion, he wasn’t letting me talk.. I realized that day, I wanted him to finally know the last bad thing about me.. but he wouldn’t let me talk.. finish my sentences. Then I asked him why he always interrupted. He said, whatever I was saying wouldn’t change anything. I said, well, then let me. He said no..
So, I asked him if he remembered he had told me about his alters. He looked away for a second and then said he didn’t have time for this. He made me get up and found me a cab and asked me to go home coz he had to go home. The next day, he blocked me on gtalk. I was angry and worried.. But I had read about MPD a little bit,, obviously not the right stuff, but something that had scared me more than inform me. So, I wanted to believe that he thought he was difficult and he wanted to protect me. Just like I had in the past. So, I didn’t get more info on DID.. This happened 5 years ago.
I only would look at his linkedin profile, to know where he is.. but not go to him.. I have been in denial about his DID. Prolly because I have problems too and halfway through this 5 year stretch, I was such a mess emotionally.. that I was glad he wasn’t around to see me in such pain. Maybe he’s going through the same thing right now. A year after we had parted ways suddenly like that, I stumbled into therapy. I was depressed that year.. got sinus, grew weak and was struggling with getting into terms with reality.. which was that the guy I liked so much was away.. family was giving me a hard time.. work was strenuous.. friends were busy with their lives. I’ve been in therapy since.. uncovered many painful memories, worked through my feelings, felt sick, better, then sick again, hopeless, hopeful, angry, furious, stuck, unstuck and now finally more happy than sad.. So, I decided to call him.. and I did.. heard his voice and cried.. asked him if it was a good time to talk to him.. coz I didn’t want to intrude.. he said call tomorrow.. next day, he was on tour with bad network, but he promised he’d call me back. He hasn’t. I called him many times, but he didn’t pick. Then I watsapped him.. and I apologized for not knowing better.. but in the text, I didn’t write about therapy.. I had also mailed him last year.. I mentioned getting over fears but not therapy.. I think my watsapp message was a bit needy and I did ask him to “unblock me from his life”. I think that did it..he blocked me. I texted him telling him I loved him anyway.. whatever he did.. I wrote sorry for many things.. that I can’t understand what he must’ve went through. that I care and I would stay.. that I ran away earlier but I take responsibility for my actions now.. didn’t write about therapy, no excuses.. that all I want is to hear you and understand you.. told him I wouldn’t barge into his office and make him uncomfortable..that I recognize he did so much for me.. that I love all that he showed me and all that he didn’t.

My questions finally is..

How can one reach someone who had DID and has cut you off from their life without saying anything? I have apologized for what I uttered. I apologized late, only last year.. Because that’s when I got okay with therapy..
I had to talk about/bring up alters.. I was stuck with no answers from him and no way of making sure he was either happy or on the track to being happier... I was worried sick about him and also I wanted to tell him that I felt I was split too. When I asked him it came out like that because of worry. I just said “Do you remember you told me about alters” … This is when the context was this.. He had said “ It wouldn’t work”

How can I be more attuned to his needs. I have never been with any other man.. I’ve never wanted to. I get a lot of attention from men, but I don’t have feelings for any of them.

How can I know if the guy who loved me and was showering me with his attention, despite my resistence, is still around?

How can I make him feel comfortable and like I wouldn't judge him for anything? I love and accept who he is. I used to make him happy.. that's all I want to do.

(If his alters are people who have helped him survive my madness and the other madnesses that life inevitably throws at us, I love his alters so very much. I know they may not love me. I know some of them probably kept him away from me, but if they helped him, I love them. I want to know all of them and the one that loves me.)

I wrote a detailed entry on the exact details of our interactions... let me know if you need that.. but in short, I am the girl who appeared many times but kept going away. I am maybe thats what he fears.

He doesn't sleep well.. I want to help! what do I do?

I don’t want to wait for life to suddenly be kind to me. I want to be more informed about DID, to be able to be there for him, like he was for me. Please help!

Thank you so much.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LoveAll7

Hi.. I am in love with my friend, who has many alters. I have only met a few, at best, but I'm not sure. I really need help to understand how I can be there for him.
(I will try to keep details to a minimum but I've known him a long time and I think details might be important for anyone who can tell me what to do)
We have known each other from middle school and really care for each other, but sadly, that kept us more away and together. When I met him and fell in love, I was suffering from PTSD and other phobias because of childhood sexual abuse. There was a strong voice inside me, which said that I could destroy his life if I touched it. Because of my coping, I considered myself vile and manipulative and had a 10000 thoughts about how I could harm him. When I was 23, I realized I had been abused repeatedly when I was only 6, by a very close family member. The pain and how my parents dealt with it was so painful for me, that I buried the memory, but I kept feeling like I was a wh*** My abuser continued to emotionally abuse and bully me for the next 20 years. I had been blaming myself and hurting myself emotionally to cope..

I didn't want to do anything with the love of my life until I was sure I had magically transformed into someone who wouldn't hurt him, someone more worthy of love. I was really just a child.It seemed impossible at the time, because my childhood had really badly scarred me. But I felt really connected to him and I would protect him from me. I was very harsh towards both of us. He tried to talk to me almost every day for two years, but I had built walls. We were both very young and because I didn't talk to other boys and was shy, I thought what I was doing would be expected. He didn't say anything directly to me. But, because I was just hurting myself, I told myself that he's not sure. Reality was I was not talking to him at all..
How do you tell someone like that that you like them and want to know them better? It's beyond me now. I am in therapy and I realise now that even this is a shame-cycle I need to break all the time.

Long story short, we both really wanted to be with each other but because both of us had complicated childhoods, coupled with bad social skills,awkwardness, bad luck and not having dealt with our past in time, we complicated our adolescent years and almost our entire 20s. In school, I fell in love with him but couldn’t say anything, thanks to years of self-shaming, judging, cutting off painful memories and coping. He kept trying to talk to me and I thought I’d lure him in and spoil his life. So I was mostly silent. In our first few months of college, he came back and tried to be open and vulnerable. How it happened was, he sat next to me and came so close that I got up.. He misinterpretated and didn’t say anything to me.. I don’t know if an alter took over to protect him.. Anyway, a few years into college, I started e-mailing him and flirting. It wasn’t my style but I was panicking. Went on for some time, but then both of us stopped. Later, I stalked him and found his number and asked him out.. I thought I was being very direct and brave and that my actions indicated enough about my intention,, but it wasn’t enough.
We kept meeting and making it obvious to the other that we were very interested, but never at the same time. He hinted at being ready for a relationship with me several times. I did the same a few years later. Communication could never be clear, even though we wanted it to be. I told him about how bad the sexual abuse really was for me.. I told him who did it which spoke volumes. But back then, I had still not uncovered many things about the abuse.. still not recovered my memory of it.. not gone for therapy, not cried enough. So I didn’t know that many things in my life were topsy turvy because of this. He used to interrupt me a lot and tell me he didn’t believe many things – like I told him I felt very strongly for him.. that there was no reason for my love.. that it was innate. He said he didn’t buy it.. he was like “no..I think that there’s always a reason you want someone and logic.. so you can kill that reason and be free.” He told me he didn’t like it when people would try to use him or control him. I told him very sincerely that I didn’t want to change him or try to control him. He told me that when people try to do that, he just throws them out of his life. Time flew, like always, even though we were just arguing, but I was tired at the end of the day and was feeling distraught.
That day, he told me about his alters. I didn’t understand because I didn’t know anything about DID then. When I asked him what that meant, he told me he is very different on days. One day, he might be a very devout follower of his religion, the other day, someone completely different. He told me that there had been some girls in his office, who tried to start a relationship with him, but it didn’t work out with any of them. In a week, they’d flee saying he was driving them mad. I didn’t know what alters were so I thought he was warning me told him even I was very different on different days. He told me this was different, but I didn’t understand. He said some mean things minutes later. He said “ You don’t cry, do you?” Prolly because I didn’t cry when he told me about the other girls.. or about the alters. Well, I hadn’t even understood what DID was. And about the girls, I didn’t believe him. I knew he loved me and he wouldn’t move on until there was any chance with me.. and there was.. I had mailed him, asked him out many times etc..

All through this, after I realized he was trying to keep me from being with him, I decided to protect him. I got into self-sabotage mode again and started telling him about me and my life in a light that would show that I was a complicated person, selfish, unreliable, shallow and also unable to communicate clearly. I could see that he was giving himself a hard time about not being able to give me what I wanted. So, I had to step in and let it be know that I perhaps didn’t deserve his love and attention. Now I know that must;ve been so difficult for him. I was taking away from the girl he loved.
I loved him and I wanted to make sure he was happy. If that meant, he had to move on from me, I would make it easy for him. After therapy I realized I was doing all this because I enjoyed hurting myself. Taking him away was the most hurtful thing I could do to myself. Especially because, I had never truly given myself a chance to show him myself.. how I really was in the present. I had never allowed myself to be relaxed and thinking about what I wanted also…had not flirted with him.. given him compliments, asked him for compliments.. done regular stuff that people who like each other do,, without thinking so much about what could go wrong. Wish I could have just got to find out how to love him.. not just what I “thought” he needed. Maybe have a two-way conversation and understand from him what made him feel happy and loved. I was telling him about my problems and problems alone. I wasn’t being charming and funny.. My friends tell me I should be try stand-up comedy, but I wasn’t being funny.. when we chatted online sometimes, I was more myself.
Once long back, when I had just told him how I felt for him, he had said that it was “all theory, not practical”. I told him why I couldn’t..in installments, because he cared for me and my sad past could trouble him. I didn’t want my reality to hit him hard. I caused damage to myself I know.. but I’d do it for him. This was nothing really.
Anyway, I met him the following year and was keeping in touch on Gtalk.. That day, I was calmer.. I told him some good things about me, about some of my happy memories from childhood.. I told him to give us a try.. that he could be wrong to be thinking it wouldn’t work out. In our discussion, he wasn’t letting me talk.. I realized that day, I wanted him to finally know the last bad thing about me.. but he wouldn’t let me talk.. finish my sentences. Then I asked him why he always interrupted. He said, whatever I was saying wouldn’t change anything. I said, well, then let me. He said no..
So, I asked him if he remembered he had told me about his alters. He looked away for a second and then said he didn’t have time for this. He made me get up and found me a cab and asked me to go home coz he had to go home. The next day, he blocked me on gtalk. I was angry and worried.. But I had read about MPD a little bit,, obviously not the right stuff, but something that had scared me more than inform me. So, I wanted to believe that he thought he was difficult and he wanted to protect me. Just like I had in the past. So, I didn’t get more info on DID.. This happened 5 years ago.
I only would look at his linkedin profile, to know where he is.. but not go to him.. I have been in denial about his DID. Prolly because I have problems too and halfway through this 5 year stretch, I was such a mess emotionally.. that I was glad he wasn’t around to see me in such pain. Maybe he’s going through the same thing right now. A year after we had parted ways suddenly like that, I stumbled into therapy. I was depressed that year.. got sinus, grew weak and was struggling with getting into terms with reality.. which was that the guy I liked so much was away.. family was giving me a hard time.. work was strenuous.. friends were busy with their lives. I’ve been in therapy since.. uncovered many painful memories, worked through my feelings, felt sick, better, then sick again, hopeless, hopeful, angry, furious, stuck, unstuck and now finally more happy than sad.. So, I decided to call him.. and I did.. heard his voice and cried.. asked him if it was a good time to talk to him.. coz I didn’t want to intrude.. he said call tomorrow.. next day, he was on tour with bad network, but he promised he’d call me back. He hasn’t. I called him many times, but he didn’t pick. Then I watsapped him.. and I apologized for not knowing better.. but in the text, I didn’t write about therapy.. I had also mailed him last year.. I mentioned getting over fears but not therapy.. I think my watsapp message was a bit needy and I did ask him to “unblock me from his life”. I think that did it..he blocked me. I texted him telling him I loved him anyway.. whatever he did.. I wrote sorry for many things.. that I can’t understand what he must’ve went through. that I care and I would stay.. that I ran away earlier but I take responsibility for my actions now.. didn’t write about therapy, no excuses.. that all I want is to hear you and understand you.. told him I wouldn’t barge into his office and make him uncomfortable..that I recognize he did so much for me.. that I love all that he showed me and all that he didn’t.

My questions finally is..

How can one reach someone who had DID and has cut you off from their life without saying anything? I have apologized for what I uttered. I apologized late, only last year.. Because that’s when I got okay with therapy..
I had to talk about/bring up alters.. I was stuck with no answers from him and no way of making sure he was either happy or on the track to being happier... I was worried sick about him and also I wanted to tell him that I felt I was split too. When I asked him it came out like that because of worry. I just said “Do you remember you told me about alters” … This is when the context was this.. He had said “ It wouldn’t work”

How can I be more attuned to his needs. I have never been with any other man.. I’ve never wanted to. I get a lot of attention from men, but I don’t have feelings for any of them.

How can I know if the guy who loved me and was showering me with his attention, despite my resistence, is still around?

How can I make him feel comfortable and like I wouldn't judge him for anything? I love and accept who he is. I used to make him happy.. that's all I want to do.

(If his alters are people who have helped him survive my madness and the other madnesses that life inevitably throws at us, I love his alters so very much. I know they may not love me. I know some of them probably kept him away from me, but if they helped him, I love them. I want to know all of them and the one that loves me.)

I wrote a detailed entry on the exact details of our interactions... let me know if you need that.. but in short, I am the girl who appeared many times but kept going away. I am maybe thats what he fears.

He doesn't sleep well.. I want to help! what do I do?

I don’t want to wait for life to suddenly be kind to me. I want to be more informed about DID, to be able to be there for him, like he was for me. Please help!

Thank you so much.

I dont know what the laws are in india (where your profile says you are located) but here in america if someone does not want to be in contact with you thats their choice and nothing can change that. in fact we have laws and rights here that make it possible to arrest and prosecute those that continue trying to gain contact when the other does not want it. its called harassment and stalking charges. the laws here can be even stricter on those who seek out to have one sided relationships with those with mental disorders, physical challenges....

maybe it would be a good idea for you to research your countries laws about whats considered illegal in your country for seeking out relationships with a mental disordered person who do not want to be in the relationship before you attempt any more contact with this person that does not want you to contact them.

as for your other questions....you cant make a person like you, according to what you posted what will make him more comfortable is if you honor his wish not to be in contact with you. you will only be making him more uncomfortable around you if you continue to try and force him into being in contact with you. my suggestion if this relationship is meant to be it will happen naturally. just take a step back and let him come to you rather than you chasing him.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, LoveAll7, and welcome to Psych Central! Have you been talking to your therapist about him? It seems to me that if he has blocked you, then he doesn't feel safe around you and you need to take him at his word for now. Maybe he will come back one of these days on his own if you don't pressure him.

Is he in therapy? A therapist is what he needs to help him.

But see what your therapist says. Folks with alters are wonderful people who have been severely abused. But being in a serious relationship would be hard.

[LoveAll7]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

I dont know what the laws are in india (where your profile says you are located) but here in america if someone does not want to be in contact with you thats their choice and nothing can change that. in fact we have laws and rights here that make it possible to arrest and prosecute those that continue trying to gain contact when the other does not want it. its called harassment and stalking charges. the laws here can be even stricter on those who seek out to have one sided relationships with those with mental disorders, physical challenges....

maybe it would be a good idea for you to research your countries laws about whats considered illegal in your country for seeking out relationships with a mental disordered person who do not want to be in the relationship before you attempt any more contact with this person that does not want you to contact them.

as for your other questions....you cant make a person like you, according to what you posted what will make him more comfortable is if you honor his wish not to be in contact with you. you will only be making him more uncomfortable around you if you continue to try and force him into being in contact with you. my suggestion if this relationship is meant to be it will happen naturally. just take a step back and let him come to you rather than you chasing him.

Thank you for responding.

I haven't stalked him since he went away. I stalked him online to get his number years ago and that made him really happy and excited, that I looked him up. "Stalk" is probably the wrong word because he was interested in me and had done many things to prove that.
I could've gotten his number from our common friends, but they never wanted to see us together.. all of them were jealous, only bad mouthed about him behind his back. So, I decided to keep them out of this.
I was calling him more than once few days ago, because he told me the network was bad and I could get a false ring. I agree I want to be heard, but that's about it.

This is really not about making him like me. I like myself too much for that now. I'm not trying to impress him or go back to him if he doesn't want it. It;s quite mad to think you could force someone to love you. That's not what I am doing or want to do.

On one side, I totally get what you said about taking a step back and let him come to me. But because he's told me about his alters and how unpredictable they can be sometimes.. and that he was struggling bad at one point. I want to make sure he knows i'm okay and I want this too. I want to get through to him, not be stuck with an alter who comes into control, when i'm around.

There;s a high chance of there being one for me...because of our past.

That's it. Knowing someone loves you unconditionally for exactly who you are can heal. If that someone is you yourself, it's the best thing. The next best thing, would be someone you like.

I want to know more about what living with alters is like. To have anything real with any person, you need to love them exactly the way they are. I love him and if he wants me out of his life, I will stay out. But the truth is that he never said anything. And I said plenty about my problems.. back then, my life was full of problems and I had nothing to give. Any relationship with anyone back then, let alone someone as sensitive and beautiful as him, would mean disaster for both. When he went away too, not once did he say that it wouldn't work out between us..or that he didn't like me. I think his going away was more for me, than for him. He had been watching out for me, giving me advice and meeting me. He isn't the guy to lead someone on either, which most of my friends suspected.

When he told me about his alters, I didn't understand. I want to understand now.

I have been worried about him all these years but have honored his wish. Now it's been many years and he is still not happy professionally or in his personal life. He may be going through a difficult time, thinking he's ruined me. He used to talk to me feeling guilty sometimes. I don't want him to feel bad about anything, like he didn't give me what I wanted. I just want him to be free and happy.

He saved my life, just by listening to me. I have been doing almost all the things that I wanted to do, because I wanted to get better. He made me want to get better. But the beauty is, now I've reached a place, where I want to be better for myself. I love myself without any conditions.

So, whenever he decides to talk to me, I want to be attuned to his needs.. so if you know someone with DID, or you have alters too, maybe you can answer the questions.. cut paste from first entry..

1. How can one reach out to someone who had DID (who has cut you off from their life without saying anything) without looking like a threat? By reaching out, I don't mean stalking, I mean it emotionally. How can I make him feel safe and not judged?

2. I've heard there are trigger words.. that make them switch. I don't want to make him uncomfortable in the slightest.

3. How can one ask the person if the guy/alter who loved me and was showering me with his attention all these years is still around? Will that offend the other alters.. when is it safe to ask about other alters?

4. I want to be attuned to his needs and help him achieve his goals (if he has those), whatever they may be. How can I do that.. without sounding like I want to change him.. influence him. I want him to do what he wants. not what I want. But if he's split in what he wants and hurting himself, I want to love him enough, so he can see himself better.

There could be an alter who wants me to fight for him. Who will make it difficult for me to just call and get back to him. I don't want to give up and disappoint.

5. If there are alters that keep him from being happy, with anyone, me or anyone, I want to tell him that there is hope. I want to tell him that he has a friend in me and I will not leave him, if he fears me going away again. How can I tell him I will not go away again convincingly? I want to help him be happy. Is that a bad thing to do?
He doesn't have to fight his alters to come to me. I will love him anyway.

6. When I called him, I had cried for a while..so my voice was heavy and the first two things I asked him were.. is it weird that I'm calling you? He said No.. it's not.. in the same patient tone that he has with me. Then I asked if it was a good time to be talking to him because it was 9 pm and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable.. or catch him off guard. To that, he got upset.. because I think he had been waiting for me to call.. and I might've sounded unsure to him.. He said call tomorrow at lunch. Now it took me some time or organise my sorrys.. and thankyous.. and i've missed you etc.. so I called at 2 40. which is just a little late.. He replied saying he'd call and hasn't till now.
If I have crossed an alter, or the host, by sounding unsure, I want to take that back and tell him I'm not.

Having said that, if there's any chance that there's an alter who's protecting him from me and another who doesn't, I want to be back in his life, to help him feel less tied down.. to let him know that if it doesn't seem natural, it's fine.. and I won't be devastated. I think he feels guilty because I haven't been with anyone else.. but that's not his fault.

I've loved him enough to let go earlier. I will do that again if he wants it. I will let go and help him find love. whatever that means to him.
But if he's been hoping that I seek treatment and get better and we get a fair chance at a relationship, then I want him to know that I am. If there's an alter who's protecting him, I hope there's an alter who leaves a door open..just in case, there's a misunderstanding. that's all..

One of the reasons why I have gone through hell was because some people wanted me to be a certain way. I wouldn't do that to him.

[LoveAll7]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hi, LoveAll7, and welcome to Psych Central! Have you been talking to your therapist about him? It seems to me that if he has blocked you, then he doesn't feel safe around you and you need to take him at his word for now. Maybe he will come back one of these days on his own if you don't pressure him.

Is he in therapy? A therapist is what he needs to help him.

But see what your therapist says. Folks with alters are wonderful people who have been severely abused. But being in a serious relationship would be hard.

Oh God.. i think i got it.. ptsd is so pathetic sometimes.. I asked him in the text too.. to unblock me. The truth is something else.

He blocked me on gtalk. Thats it. He didn't block me on his phone or anywhere else for that matter. We drifted apart after that night.

I really doubt my therapist wants to help me with this. I have asked her on several occasions about DID, but she has not given me any information. I am attached to her and still go to her.

I want him to go for therapy. But not for me and not if he's not ready.
I want to support him do whatever he wants. I've always only wanted that.
Despite what my therapist keeps telling me.. haha she tells me I want someone who's unavailable, when the truth is I'd want him to be available. I'd want that but I wouldn't ever force him or trick him.

Thanks to being sexually abused, I've fought with thinking I was manipulative. I am not.
I am not very practical. But I take care of myself much better now. I used to sing, but gave it up. Now I sing and will be a recording artist this summer itself. I am also a dance teacher. I am doing many things that I've always wanted to do, because I had hope. He made me want to be better.

It's not like I want him to be there for me because he did that for me. I want him to do what he wants. I want him to see that even people like me(I used to be like Marvin,from Hitchhiker;s) can get it right and be happy at some point.. after a lot of work. I just want to see him happy or on the track to being happier. If I'm the only one he wanted, then I want him to know that I'm still around. Is that bad?

Thank you so much for your response.. reading block from you made me realize.. it wasn't blocked, until I said blocked.

[Travelinglady]

I am hoping amandalouise will come back and answer your questions, LoveAll7. She knows much more about DID than I do.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LoveAll7

Thank you for responding.

I haven't stalked him since he went away. I stalked him online to get his number years ago and that made him really happy and excited, that I looked him up. "Stalk" is probably the wrong word because he was interested in me and had done many things to prove that.
I could've gotten his number from our common friends, but they never wanted to see us together.. all of them were jealous, only bad mouthed about him behind his back. So, I decided to keep them out of this.
I was calling him more than once few days ago, because he told me the network was bad and I could get a false ring. I agree I want to be heard, but that's about it.

This is really not about making him like me. I like myself too much for that now. I'm not trying to impress him or go back to him if he doesn't want it. It;s quite mad to think you could force someone to love you. That's not what I am doing or want to do.

On one side, I totally get what you said about taking a step back and let him come to me. But because he's told me about his alters and how unpredictable they can be sometimes.. and that he was struggling bad at one point. I want to make sure he knows i'm okay and I want this too. I want to get through to him, not be stuck with an alter who comes into control, when i'm around.

There;s a high chance of there being one for me...because of our past.

That's it. Knowing someone loves you unconditionally for exactly who you are can heal. If that someone is you yourself, it's the best thing. The next best thing, would be someone you like.

I want to know more about what living with alters is like. To have anything real with any person, you need to love them exactly the way they are. I love him and if he wants me out of his life, I will stay out. But the truth is that he never said anything. And I said plenty about my problems.. back then, my life was full of problems and I had nothing to give. Any relationship with anyone back then, let alone someone as sensitive and beautiful as him, would mean disaster for both. When he went away too, not once did he say that it wouldn't work out between us..or that he didn't like me. I think his going away was more for me, than for him. He had been watching out for me, giving me advice and meeting me. He isn't the guy to lead someone on either, which most of my friends suspected.

When he told me about his alters, I didn't understand. I want to understand now.

I have been worried about him all these years but have honored his wish. Now it's been many years and he is still not happy professionally or in his personal life. He may be going through a difficult time, thinking he's ruined me. He used to talk to me feeling guilty sometimes. I don't want him to feel bad about anything, like he didn't give me what I wanted. I just want him to be free and happy.

He saved my life, just by listening to me. I have been doing almost all the things that I wanted to do, because I wanted to get better. He made me want to get better. But the beauty is, now I've reached a place, where I want to be better for myself. I love myself without any conditions.

So, whenever he decides to talk to me, I want to be attuned to his needs.. so if you know someone with DID, or you have alters too, maybe you can answer the questions.. cut paste from first entry..

1. How can one reach out to someone who had DID (who has cut you off from their life without saying anything) without looking like a threat? By reaching out, I don't mean stalking, I mean it emotionally. How can I make him feel safe and not judged?

2. I've heard there are trigger words.. that make them switch. I don't want to make him uncomfortable in the slightest.

3. How can one ask the person if the guy/alter who loved me and was showering me with his attention all these years is still around? Will that offend the other alters.. when is it safe to ask about other alters?

4. I want to be attuned to his needs and help him achieve his goals (if he has those), whatever they may be. How can I do that.. without sounding like I want to change him.. influence him. I want him to do what he wants. not what I want. But if he's split in what he wants and hurting himself, I want to love him enough, so he can see himself better.

There could be an alter who wants me to fight for him. Who will make it difficult for me to just call and get back to him. I don't want to give up and disappoint.

5. If there are alters that keep him from being happy, with anyone, me or anyone, I want to tell him that there is hope. I want to tell him that he has a friend in me and I will not leave him, if he fears me going away again. How can I tell him I will not go away again convincingly? I want to help him be happy. Is that a bad thing to do?
He doesn't have to fight his alters to come to me. I will love him anyway.

6. When I called him, I had cried for a while..so my voice was heavy and the first two things I asked him were.. is it weird that I'm calling you? He said No.. it's not.. in the same patient tone that he has with me. Then I asked if it was a good time to be talking to him because it was 9 pm and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable.. or catch him off guard. To that, he got upset.. because I think he had been waiting for me to call.. and I might've sounded unsure to him.. He said call tomorrow at lunch. Now it took me some time or organise my sorrys.. and thankyous.. and i've missed you etc.. so I called at 2 40. which is just a little late.. He replied saying he'd call and hasn't till now.
If I have crossed an alter, or the host, by sounding unsure, I want to take that back and tell him I'm not.

Having said that, if there's any chance that there's an alter who's protecting him from me and another who doesn't, I want to be back in his life, to help him feel less tied down.. to let him know that if it doesn't seem natural, it's fine.. and I won't be devastated. I think he feels guilty because I haven't been with anyone else.. but that's not his fault.

I've loved him enough to let go earlier. I will do that again if he wants it. I will let go and help him find love. whatever that means to him.
But if he's been hoping that I seek treatment and get better and we get a fair chance at a relationship, then I want him to know that I am. If there's an alter who's protecting him, I hope there's an alter who leaves a door open..just in case, there's a misunderstanding. that's all..

One of the reasons why I have gone through hell was because some people wanted me to be a certain way. I wouldn't do that to him.

you cant get through to him not to be stuck with his alters. whether you like it or not he...is....stuck with his alters.

let me show you an example of what being DID is like....

take a glass of water and 2 other empty glasses. now take the glass of water and put some water in the other two glasses while keeping some in the original glass. thats what its like to be DID one whole persons personality has been divided up.

now to illustrate the fixing of DID take any two of the glasses of water and pour them in to the third glass. that's what happens when a person with DID doesnt have DID any more. nothing goes away. the alters are all still there just as one whole personality.

there is no getting unstuck from the alters because they are not like wiping glue off something.

every one of the alters was him to start with and in the end every alter he has will still be him.

you want to know what its like to have alters.. well take a few of your friends and mix in a few of our enemies, all of you go into one room and try to make a unified decision about where all of you should live together, whether you all should see a psychiatrist, Which psychiatrist you all should go see, who you all want to have contact with, what one career do you all want to work at doing, where to go shopping, what one meal is everyone going to eat that night for dinner...impossible right none of your friends and enemies are gonig to agree on every single decision in your life. this represents what its like to live with alters.

now to represent what its like to get treatment....since you are all one body you need to co operate and talk about all kinds of things like working out your problems. lets use your posts as an example...if you had alters and with the situation you are posting about...you wnat contact with someone that doesnt want contact with you and you dont want to let go of this person...ok in treatment you would have to work in detail about this problem with a mental health person trying to figure out whether its illegal, stalking, what in your childhood traumas may be contributing to this behavior, while at the same time one alter may be violently trying to keep you from ending up in jail for stalking (yes I know you say its not stalking Im using my language as an american since I dont know what your location would call it.) another alter may be verbally abusing this guy and you for chasing after him, another alter may be talking about wedding plans, another may be crying because they dont want to have sex with him. and you are still trying to figure out whats so wrong about chasing after a guy that doesnt want me. Im cool with myself and love myself so why wouldnt he want me, Im going to just keep trying to contact him, and your therapist is researching laws to help you understand the legal side of this, while at the same time an alter takes over and walks your body out of therapy to the nearest store to buy groceries, and another alter takes over and stands in the middle of the street screaming about gosh knows what then you become aware standing int the street as horns are blaring because you are blocking traffic. you go home and want to take a bath but this alter wants to eat a sandwhich and that alter wants to play on the computer and this alter wants to do the laundry and that alter says to heck with all this crap and goes out looking for a guy to have fun with (not the same guy you like because this alter doesnt like that guy)....you get sick and try to go to a doctor but on the way an alter who isnt sick decides to call some friends and have fun of their own, you get home and you are back in control feeling sick, no meds, you call the doctor and they wonder why you didnt keep your appointment. you get angry another alter takes over and says fine Ill medicate myself and takes a whole bottle of pills....

thats what living with DID is like...this guy has enough problems trying to take care of himself. he may think its not the right time to get into a relationship with you because he needs to focus on himself right now not the feelings of another who happens to not take no for an answer.. to him your chasing after him may seem abusive, harassment, stalkerish and may not want that type of relationship.

you need to let this guy work out his own problems and take a step back. if its meant to be he will come find you when he and his alters want to see you. and like I stated in another thread on this issue you cant make a person get treatment, they have to want it their self and go get it their self. they have rights.

you wouldnt want someone to make you go to a psychiatrist just because you are the way you are and you wouldnt want some guy forcing contact with you that you dont want right. well give him the same respect you would want for yourself....

[LoveAll7]

Thank you so much for sharing all that.

I have some questions. I will write tonight and try my best to keep it short and easy to read. Thank you so much again.

[LoveAll7]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

you cant get through to him not to be stuck with his alters. whether you like it or not he...is....stuck with his alters.

let me show you an example of what being DID is like....

take a glass of water and 2 other empty glasses. now take the glass of water and put some water in the other two glasses while keeping some in the original glass. thats what its like to be DID one whole persons personality has been divided up.

now to illustrate the fixing of DID take any two of the glasses of water and pour them in to the third glass. that's what happens when a person with DID doesnt have DID any more. nothing goes away. the alters are all still there just as one whole personality.

there is no getting unstuck from the alters because they are not like wiping glue off something.

every one of the alters was him to start with and in the end every alter he has will still be him.

you want to know what its like to have alters.. well take a few of your friends and mix in a few of our enemies, all of you go into one room and try to make a unified decision about where all of you should live together, whether you all should see a psychiatrist, Which psychiatrist you all should go see, who you all want to have contact with, what one career do you all want to work at doing, where to go shopping, what one meal is everyone going to eat that night for dinner...impossible right none of your friends and enemies are gonig to agree on every single decision in your life. this represents what its like to live with alters.

now to represent what its like to get treatment....since you are all one body you need to co operate and talk about all kinds of things like working out your problems. lets use your posts as an example...if you had alters and with the situation you are posting about...you wnat contact with someone that doesnt want contact with you and you dont want to let go of this person...ok in treatment you would have to work in detail about this problem with a mental health person trying to figure out whether its illegal, stalking, what in your childhood traumas may be contributing to this behavior, while at the same time one alter may be violently trying to keep you from ending up in jail for stalking (yes I know you say its not stalking Im using my language as an american since I dont know what your location would call it.) another alter may be verbally abusing this guy and you for chasing after him, another alter may be talking about wedding plans, another may be crying because they dont want to have sex with him. and you are still trying to figure out whats so wrong about chasing after a guy that doesnt want me. Im cool with myself and love myself so why wouldnt he want me, Im going to just keep trying to contact him, and your therapist is researching laws to help you understand the legal side of this, while at the same time an alter takes over and walks your body out of therapy to the nearest store to buy groceries, and another alter takes over and stands in the middle of the street screaming about gosh knows what then you become aware standing int the street as horns are blaring because you are blocking traffic. you go home and want to take a bath but this alter wants to eat a sandwhich and that alter wants to play on the computer and this alter wants to do the laundry and that alter says to heck with all this crap and goes out looking for a guy to have fun with (not the same guy you like because this alter doesnt like that guy)....you get sick and try to go to a doctor but on the way an alter who isnt sick decides to call some friends and have fun of their own, you get home and you are back in control feeling sick, no meds, you call the doctor and they wonder why you didnt keep your appointment. you get angry another alter takes over and says fine Ill medicate myself and takes a whole bottle of pills....

thats what living with DID is like...this guy has enough problems trying to take care of himself. he may think its not the right time to get into a relationship with you because he needs to focus on himself right now not the feelings of another who happens to not take no for an answer.. to him your chasing after him may seem abusive, harassment, stalkerish and may not want that type of relationship.

you need to let this guy work out his own problems and take a step back. if its meant to be he will come find you when he and his alters want to see you. and like I stated in another thread on this issue you cant make a person get treatment, they have to want it their self and go get it their self. they have rights.

you wouldnt want someone to make you go to a psychiatrist just because you are the way you are and you wouldnt want some guy forcing contact with you that you dont want right. well give him the same respect you would want for yourself....

Amanda,

I think his alters have been trying to get in touch.
Last year was the first time in 4 years that I e-mailed him. I e-mailed him to ask how he was doing and tell him that I was better. I told him that I thought of him every day and didn't know it would take me so long to fight my fears and come back to say Hi. I told him I was singing again (because I had stopped years ago and when I told him about it, he was worried). Most importantly, I told him that I wouldn't chase him and told him that I hoped that he would call me because he wanted to, not because I'd like him to. After this, I got calls from several unknown numbers. I missed a few calls, because I was in class. I called back. Some went unanswered, some didn't sound like him. I told myself that if he wanted to, he'd get through to me, text me his number or something of the sort. I still had less information on DID.

Months later, I got a message, very similar to the one I had sent him to get back in touch - "will I be seeing you today?" It was from an id which had his name jumbled up. The first thought that came to me was obviously that it's him. But I wrote back asking if it was my teacher(her name was similar).. because I thought it could be some friend playing a prank. . . I thought he would answer back. But there was nothing after that.

I have got blank calls intermittently after every time we stopped talking. I normally never wait for the person on the other end to speak..I wait maybe 4 seconds and I hang up. That's because there are prank callers also sometimes. I get nervous and hang up.

Last month, I had sent him a text saying I was sorry for the past and that I love him, whatever he decides to do. I was around if he wanted to talk, anytime. I was done with my sad stories that I spoke so much of earlier. That I take care of myself now.
After that, I got a Fb poke from someone I had a common friend with. I checked his profile.. reminded me of his face.. some other things about him too. Also, pics look like they've been edited/photoshopped.

So, I asked my common friend (he's a kid and used to come to my dance class) if he knew this person. He told me first that his account got hacked a few days ago. I asked again if he knew this guy, to which he replied yes. When I asked how, he didn't say anything. Anyway, I thought about it for a few days and I poked back and messaged him asking if he knows me. He left comments on the only public pic I have and asked me to trust him and add him and he'll tell me why. I added him on my Fb. He thanked me.. I asked him if he knew me, he said no. I chatted with him today and I asked him why he added me? He said for friendship. I asked him if he added strangers. He said only some good friends and family. We talked very little and he said he'd talk later.

I understand the perils of doing this. So, I have my privacy settings sorted. I don't put personal information such as current location, check-ins etc. on public view. I have my pictures protected.

I don't have anybody on my Facebook whom I don't know/haven't met at least once. Because of dance lessons, there are many people whom I know a little and have accepted as friends. They are all on limited profile.

Do you think it could be an alter? Will an alter create an online personality and a life online. I know many people do that.

If it's likely that it's an alter, I want to ask you..

Is it okay to just chat with this person? I don't want to ask his alter to do anything. Please understand that I care for him. I would want his good, even if that meant keeping my distance.

I will talk general stuff.. get to know him. I am not going to not be myself to impress him. But I want to be kind to everyone now, myself included. I will not meet this person, put myself or him in danger. It shows in his profile that he lives in another city anyway. But is it okay? Can this harm my friend in any way? If yes, then I will stop.

Please help. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and answer. I truly appreciate this.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LoveAll7

Amanda,

I think his alters have been trying to get in touch.
Last year was the first time in 4 years that I e-mailed him. I e-mailed him to ask how he was doing and tell him that I was better. I told him that I thought of him every day and didn't know it would take me so long to fight my fears and come back to say Hi. I told him I was singing again (because I had stopped years ago and when I told him about it, he was worried). Most importantly, I told him that I wouldn't chase him and told him that I hoped that he would call me because he wanted to, not because I'd like him to. After this, I got calls from several unknown numbers. I missed a few calls, because I was in class. I called back. Some went unanswered, some didn't sound like him. I told myself that if he wanted to, he'd get through to me, text me his number or something of the sort. I still had less information on DID.

Months later, I got a message, very similar to the one I had sent him to get back in touch - "will I be seeing you today?" It was from an id which had his name jumbled up. The first thought that came to me was obviously that it's him. But I wrote back asking if it was my teacher(her name was similar).. because I thought it could be some friend playing a prank. . . I thought he would answer back. But there was nothing after that.

I have got blank calls intermittently after every time we stopped talking. I normally never wait for the person on the other end to speak..I wait maybe 4 seconds and I hang up. That's because there are prank callers also sometimes. I get nervous and hang up.

Last month, I had sent him a text saying I was sorry for the past and that I love him, whatever he decides to do. I was around if he wanted to talk, anytime. I was done with my sad stories that I spoke so much of earlier. That I take care of myself now.
After that, I got a Fb poke from someone I had a common friend with. I checked his profile.. reminded me of his face.. some other things about him too. Also, pics look like they've been edited/photoshopped.

So, I asked my common friend (he's a kid and used to come to my dance class) if he knew this person. He told me first that his account got hacked a few days ago. I asked again if he knew this guy, to which he replied yes. When I asked how, he didn't say anything. Anyway, I thought about it for a few days and I poked back and messaged him asking if he knows me. He left comments on the only public pic I have and asked me to trust him and add him and he'll tell me why. I added him on my Fb. He thanked me.. I asked him if he knew me, he said no. I chatted with him today and I asked him why he added me? He said for friendship. I asked him if he added strangers. He said only some good friends and family. We talked very little and he said he'd talk later.

I understand the perils of doing this. So, I have my privacy settings sorted. I don't put personal information such as current location, check-ins etc. on public view. I have my pictures protected.

I don't have anybody on my Facebook whom I don't know/haven't met at least once. Because of dance lessons, there are many people whom I know a little and have accepted as friends. They are all on limited profile.

Do you think it could be an alter? Will an alter create an online personality and a life online. I know many people do that.

If it's likely that it's an alter, I want to ask you..

Is it okay to just chat with this person? I don't want to ask his alter to do anything. Please understand that I care for him. I would want his good, even if that meant keeping my distance.

I will talk general stuff.. get to know him. I am not going to not be myself to impress him. But I want to be kind to everyone now, myself included. I will not meet this person, put myself or him in danger. It shows in his profile that he lives in another city anyway. But is it okay? Can this harm my friend in any way? If yes, then I will stop.

Please help. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and answer. I truly appreciate this.

Im sorry I can not answer whether this is an alter of his doing all this, only he can answer to whether it is his alters or not.

what I can tell you is that ....in general....yes some peoples internal systems of alters can di this kind of stuff and in general no some peoples internal systems cant do this kind of stuff....

there is no right or wrong way to being DID other than here in america there are set ....diagnostics......for what is DID and what isnt. here is where you can read about the diagnostics of DID here in america. you will have to contact your own treatment providers to find out what the diagnostics are in your locations....
http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...s-dsm-5-a.html

The line in the sand is that each persons internal system of alters is set up in what ever ways they needed in order to survive. what that means is that one persons alters may be able to for example swim where as another persons internal system of alters might not know how to swim because it wasnt part of their life nor what they needed in order to survive. DID isnt something where its an assembly line of every component of the persons life, abuse, circumstances, occupational, social ...is the same....

I was abused in a mineshaft for a majority of my abuse so the skills my alters needed to help me survive is different than another person I know that was abused during camping trips and someone I know who was abused in her home in in the 1960's has alters that have a completely different set of skills that they needed in order to help her survive.

what you are looking for so sort of manual of how this persons DID is, doesnt exist. if you want to know what his system of alters is like you will need to wait until he contacts you and then he will tell you what he wants you to know when he wants you to know it.

whether you should chat with him or not again I cant answer that because I am not him. you will need to wait until he contact you should he want contact with you,

my advice still stands no matter how you put it and what situation/questions you put it in, if he wants contact with you he will come find you. you can fill yourself up on educating yourself about DID but only he can answer whether he wants contact and how much he wants you to know.

[LoveAll7]

Thank you Amanda. That really helped.

I wish I had known this earlier, when he had told me the first time. I could've been more sensitive and not caused him pain.

Thank you so much for taking the time and having the patience to explain all this to me.
I really didn't know where to go, whom to ask, because even my Therapist wasn't helping me.

Now, I will start doing volunteer work in an NGO and help people. Had been putting it off for some time, because I work two jobs. But, I will do it now. I have not had such big help come to me in some time now. I have to pass this on.