[sairsie-pop]

I work in a small business doing a hands-on, team-oriented job and my co-worker shows all the signs of Asperger's. I always try really, really hard to be patient and understanding but it's VERY, VERY difficult as he lacks empathy, and is extremely selfish and lacking in general good manners. I frequently end up being on the losing end of logic and reason vs Asperger's and it's hard not to lose my patience, especially as I have Borderline Personality Disorder and controlling my emotions and reactions is not my strongest attribute.
Does anyone have any tips for dealing with his lack of empathy and consideration for others?

[kaliope]

gosh I wish I knew what to say but I don't know how to deal with aspergers. I hope someone else can help.

I just wanted to say that I admire your insight and determination to work together and desire to want to make things better.

[BBB2]

There are two types of empathy - cognitive and emotional. Aspies lack cognitive empathy but can have plenty of emotional. Basically, they can feel what others feel (sometimes too much so), but may not understand why that person is feeling whatever they're feeling.

Unless you talk to him and explain what he is doing to upset you then he'll continue to do those things. He may even be upset that he's annoyed you without realizing it.

Be reasonable. Is he actually rude, or is he just forthright? He may not even know he's being rude. Is it even worth bringing up as long as he works hard?

Also remember communication and expression of feelings may be difficult for him. Basically, there will be a lot more going on inside his head than appears on his face or in his tone of voice. Don't assume he's being defiant from a lack of facial expression or unusual tone of voice.

[sairsie-pop]

Originally Posted by BBB2

There are two types of empathy - cognitive and emotional. Aspies lack cognitive empathy but can have plenty of emotional. Basically, they can feel what others feel (sometimes too much so), but may not understand why that person is feeling whatever they're feeling.

Unless you talk to him and explain what he is doing to upset you then he'll continue to do those things. He may even be upset that he's annoyed you without realizing it.

Be reasonable. Is he actually rude, or is he just forthright? He may not even know he's being rude. Is it even worth bringing up as long as he works hard?

Also remember communication and expression of feelings may be difficult for him. Basically, there will be a lot more going on inside his head than appears on his face or in his tone of voice. Don't assume he's being defiant from a lack of facial expression or unusual tone of voice.

Definitely rude, by most peoples standards...burping loudly, pushing past us if we're in front of something he needs instead of saying "excuse me, could you step aside so I can..." makes a mess and leaves it for someone else to clean up, things like that.
Also he's quite lazy, doesn't get all his work done and I end up working overtime to pick up the slack. He does not see why I have a problem with that, although it should be pretty obvious to people without cognitive impairments.
There are plenty of other things, like an inability to be flexible/needing a certain amount of routine. These things I accept and am happy to make adjustments for, it's the other stuff that can drive me a little nuts.

[sairsie-pop]

I have tried explaining how these things make me feel, and giving him examples of how we can get around that by using the phrase "excuse me" when it's appropriate etc, and how if HE makes a mistake HE should be the one to fix it, because I shouldn't be the one to do all the overtime, that it should be shared etc etc. But it gets me nowhere.

[BBB2]

I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.
Have you tried asking for advice on the Wrongplanet forum? There are more members on there than here.

[Daisymay]

MY husband and other members of his family have AS (Asperger's SYndrome) - although mildly without the more severe behaviours this person you know has.

When you'vbe met one person with asperger's syndrome you've met: one person with asperger's syndrome ie they are all different to some extent. On the whole though,people with AS are very limited in the changes to their behaviour they are able to make. In the end it is us (those who live and work with them) who, unfortunately have to make the most adjustments in how we view and react to them. They are generally unable to understand how their behaviour impacts on others but may be willing to listen and make some adjustments if it's explained in a non-judgmental and non-critical way. Often the changes they make won't be permanent - it seems they need constant reminders sometimes. With some, though, even this may not work. Specialist counselling can help some adults with AS IF they seek it themselves.

The best way to deal with your own reactions is to fully understand the cognitive impairment/disability experienced by those on the autism spectrum. Understanding their behaviours and mind-blindness as a disability can help you stay sane - but you are still entitled to feel you don't like their behaviour!

Have a look at Tony Attwood's site for lots of information and useful books etc Home

[sairsie-pop]

Originally Posted by BBB2

I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.
Have you tried asking for advice on the Wrongplanet forum? There are more members on there than here.

No, but thanks, and thanks for the tip