[SisteretsiS]

My sister’s husband has been diagnosed in the past (I think) with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I say “I think” because she hasn’t actually discussed it with me, but she has mentioned it in a past phone conversation. I think he also has Histrionic Personality Disorder. Yes, I am self-diagnosing him, but I don’t have any choice.

That is not why I’m writing, however. I’m writing because I just need some tips on getting through the holidays with him. I love my sister, and her children (she has an older one from a past marriage) and I am willing to deal with his behavior at holidays in order to spend the holidays with them.

These are the behaviors I need some advice on dealing with. Not to treat, not to fix, but just what can I do to minimize the misery.
- He dominates every conversation, talking over other people and insisting on his point of view. He does this even for conversations he knows next to nothing about, and when knowledgeable people are in the room.
- He steers topics back to bragging about his accomplishments. Especially hard to take since he is the least accomplished person there.
- He inflates the smallest compliment he receives out in the workplace (statements other people would not even deem worthy of mentioning) into a long story about how superior he is to the people he works with.
- He drinks a LOT. If anyone brings beer or wine, he drinks the majority of it and asks if there is more, even though he brings nothing. He has always been a freeloader, but that’s especially apparent when it comes to the alcohol.
- He doesn’t really cook, but my sister asks him to make something simple to contribute, as we all traditionally make something. Then we are all treated to a blow-by-blow description of how he made whatever it is he made, and how difficult it was, and how he had to deal with not having the right ingredients because she didn’t buy them. For something like deviled eggs. And then we are not allowed to try it until the actually dinner, and he does a big unveiling, and finally allows people to taste his dish.
- He is a terrible arguer. He resorts to personal insults if you don’t agree with all of his points, and he brings his points up over and over again, even hours later, in a sarcastic tone. He can’t let anything go. It’s like arguing with a ten-year old.

No one in the family likes him. We all just endure his company so we can be with my sister and her kids. We don’t have a big family, so it’s difficult to avoid him at these gatherings. It is basically just 7 people there -- me, my husband, my mom, and my sister’s family (him, her, and the two kids). I know my sister is exhausted from dealing with him, but she won’t talk about it with any of us. At Thanksgiving, she went to bed with the baby at 7 PM and the rest of us had to deal with him all night.

I know they have had some conversations with him about his behavior, because I have overheard her taking him aside and whispering, “Inappropriate.”

We have tried ignoring him, but that just seems to escalate him.

Oh, and in the middle of all of this, he usually has at least one conversation with each of us about how wonderful it is to be accepted by a family, that he didn’t have these kinds of family gatherings growing up, and how much he loves my sister and how lucky he is to get to be “her man” and they are soul mates.

She has decided to stay with him, I think, until their child is old enough to go to school. She doesn’t talk about their problems with me, I think she is embarrassed, or maybe worried about my mom hearing about it from me. I can tell she is unhappy, but she won’t talk about it. I want to support her, and I also want to keep my own sanity and maybe enjoy the holidays a little.

Any tips and techniques would be appreciated.

[Altered Moment]

Boy I dunno. There are three of them in my family but not to the degree you are talking about. It's funny because my sister just gave my Mom a book on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My mom was reading some of it to me and then I looked up the symptoms. What you describe sounds classic. My dad has some of them. There are actually only two to deal with now because my sister divorced her husband who I think would definitely meet all the criteria for a diagnosis. They have kids though so we have to deal with him to a certain degree. My sister in law just can't resist getting her opinion in every time on what you are doing is wrong and how she would do it with an air of superiority. All of them are very controlling. My dad has to be the center of attention and if you ignore him he gets pissed and pulls the silent treatment so then there is this tension in the air and my siblings get triggered from when we were kids and he was an active alcoholic. None of it bothers me to much because I have spent so many years in Alanon learning to "Detach With Love". Not to get emotionally enmeshed in other peoples issues. That's what I would suggest is to detach with love. Don't let it effect you. He probably didn't have the greatest childhood and it helps to look at it as if they have a dysfunctional relationship and they can't help it. Not feeling superior or judging but just that people have problems they really can't help and I am powerless to do anything about them. Once I realize I am basically powerless over the actions of others it makes it easier to detach with love. It takes practice and a lot of processing like you are doing here before you get there.

I hope your sister will force him to get some help. She can't make him but she can leave him if he doesn't. My sister did because he was just so emotionally abusive and didn't see anything wrong with himself. I feel for the kids. If he drinks a lot then that really complicates things.

Welcome to PC btw.

[SisteretsiS]

Thank you, Zinco. I like that -- detach with love. I will try (and yes, I imagine it will take practice).

Any other suggestions, kind PC folk?

[shakespeare47]

Dealing with him sounds like it would be exhausting.

[SisteretsiS]

Shakespeare -- yes, it is. And the day after thanksgiving, I cocooned for a day and thought I couldn't do it again. But by Christmas I know I will want to see my sis and nieces.

Thank you all for reading and responding.

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