[Thparkles!]

I have long sspected that my Indian husband must have some type of behavioral disorder. ADHD has always popped up and here is why:

1. He has always had trouble paying attention and listening to me. Even before we were married. I'd have to repeat myself sometimes 2-3, even 4-5 times, before he got it. Anything involving a deeper understanding of me went in one ear and out the other; no interest.
BUT, he seems to have no trouble memorizing things when he really wants to. He holds two masters degress and is able to complete tasks at work.

2. Trouble retaining information. If I sit down with him and correct the same grammatical error 20-30 times over the course of a year that he makes in busines correspondence, he is probably still going to make the same error.

3. Trouble respecting boundaries. If I ask him to leave me alone when I am upset with him, he will just keep bothering me and asking me what is wrong until I blow up and throw something at him. No matter how many times this has happened, he still crosses my boundaries and is surprised when I blow up.

4. Changing the subject: Whenever we are tyring to piece together a complex issue, he interrupts and changes the subjest about every 3-4 minutes.

5. Repeating the same questions. I will answer once, but by the time he is done asking the question his mind is elsewhere and he doesn't hear me, or he pretends to hear me. Then I explain that I already answered the question. I answer it again. A week later, he asks the same question again.

6. He gets stuck in loops. For example, he was given simple directions to find a nearby restaurant, but didn't exactly pay attention while the person was explaining how to get there. Instead of realizing he didn't know where he was going, we drove in a 1/4 mile loop for about 25 minutes. It was really strange. I tried to ask him what was going on, but he ignored me.

7. Interrupting. ugh.

8. Blurting out wildly inappropriate and insensitive comments without consideration for how they make me feel.

9. Arrogance. He does not believe he has a problem, and that his behavior is only around and because of me and how nervous i make him. He thinks, since he is a good provider and an accomplished student, that I am the one with the problem. He blames his behavior on how I treat him. Which, I admit, is really with very little respect, because he doesn't take care of our emotional needs, certainly not me, and throws himself in to work.

10. Unrealiable, constantly pushing limits with me and himself, exercizing to the point of injury, without regard to how that affects everyone else in the house.

11. impulsivity: he can't seem to leave tasks alone that don't belong to him; his restlessness he claims prompts him to take over things if I don't do them in a timely manner. Even if he knows it will upset me, he displaces my kitchen and sloppily loads the dishwasher because dishes were out for half a day. 7 years in to marriage, nothing has stopped him from doing precisely the things I asked him to not do, and nothing is ever fast enough for him.

Here is what I just don't understand: in business and school, he has a lot fewer problems, he is extremely rigid and dutiful, albeit fairly poor at planning and attention to detail, and sometimes so ambitious he creates big time enemies.

My husband is from india, and the culture there fosters this persona I have described. But his nephew was dx with ADD recently here in the USA and they do remind me of each other.

Our marriage has been very very difficult and now that we have young children, he is very selective about when and in how he wants to parent them. He has always neglected my needs and thinks buying me stuff will fix it.

Once he went and was evaluated he claims by a psychiatrist, but he first made sure the doctor was also indian. He claims the doctor told him his issues were cultural and marital and that he does not have adhd. But I don't see how that is possible.

And he says he cannot handle taking care of both children at the same time.

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I'm generally able to focus for long periods of time on things and complete tasks. But my disorder causes me to have mood and sleep issues, so I take medication to help that.

Our home is extremely unhappy right now, and I am desperate for answers so that our children can be well adjusted while growing up, so at this point any input is welcome. I don't want our family to break up, but in a sense it is already broken with so much lack of understanding and increasing hostility between us.

We are in Tampa area.

Thanks,
Thparkle

[kaliope]

hi thparkle
i can see where some of it can be cultural, like arrogance, your example for unreliable, and respecting boundaries but i dont buy all of it. the retaining information, getting stuck in loops and repeating questions wouldnt be. this could be thaat he is just not making any effort to pay attention though. he seems to have done really well in school which would be difficult if it were adhd. it seems to be focused on you, which would be cultural. being a good provider for the family may take priority over the having a good relationship aspect of family. you may want to talk to him about what the cultural aspects mean to him. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central thsparkles. Sorry to hear you are having unsettled times in the house.

Like Kaliope, I recognize some cultural prejudices on his part, but it seems like there is much more than that.

Keeping yourself feeling okay is an important part of keeping stress levels down. Please feel free to visit here and see how other people are coping in relationship or other forums and give yourself a mental vacation from all the stress when you can.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Mygrandjourney]

It sounds like his behavior, whatever the diagnosis is, is leading to lots of marital stress! Take care of yourself!