[jemeryclarz]

Hello,

I have been with my girlfriend for 10 months, and was pretty happy. But she's never been like anyone before, I've now realised she has ADHD, her brother does but she's not diagnosed but has all the signs and her mum agreed too.

I find lately she's very distant compared to the beginning, she often takes a long time to text back and the reason is, she's always watching anime cartoons or reading fantasy stuff on her phone. She always said I forgot all about the text and I was like yeah whatever, but now I see she 90% has ADHD almost sure, it's starting to make sense.

She gets VERY angry and in moods fast, takes her a long time to get out of them sometimes, shouts, can be violent etc.

She's not very affectionate she will only want to cuddle and kiss when she feels like it and wants it and it's only for a minute or two.

She's always wanting to do something like watch a movie, play a game etc.

Lately she fell pregnant, which has made things A WHOLE NOTHER STORY! it's like she's an enemy lol.

When we fall out now it's always my fault and she never accepts when it's her fault it's really hard and annoying, but i'm terribly in love with her but im starting to get hurt and depressed.

We have boundaries set in the relationship and she breaks them often, like certain people we don't like to talk to she will and then lie, she lies about a lot of things and that really bugs me, how can I trust her?

Is there a way to get the love and attention I need from her? It's hard to talk to her and it often needs to be lots of times before she will understand enough.

She NEVER see's anyone else's point of view except for hers.

In arguments, i'll say let me finish speaking before you have your say and i'll listen to you etc. but she will always but in and then have her say and then be like, HE ALWAYS THINKS ABOUT HIMSELF.

I don't know what to do but I am madly in love with her but she's pushing me away

[Giucy]

Hello,
I can answer from my perspective as a lady with ADHD herself (and other diagnoses).

1) her moods can change very fast for a variety of reasons : physiological (hunger, thirst, temperature...), but also because every feeling will be very intense. If she is happy, she will be very happy, if she is sad, she will be very sad.....

2) She may not like to be cuddled because of sensory processing issues, irrespective of her deep feelings for you, even when she is connected with you .
With sensory processing issues, cuddling can feel so unpleasant that it becomes painful, or nearly painful. Her aversion for cuddles have nothing to do with her feelings with you. I love my mom with all my soul and I have no doubt on how much I love her, but I don't like being cuddled nor hugged nor kissed when I am upset.
In this situation, cuddles and hugs is like being trapped to the point you cannot breathe. A cuddle/hug you'll feel as a pleasant slight squeezing for you is, for her, a nearly painful very strong squeezing she feels no space for breathing. At least, it is how I feel.
She can still love you beyond any doubt, and not liking cuddles/hugs because of the sensory over-perception. In this case, she can cuddle at moments it will feel normally loaded, and the minute or two is the time limit before it becomes painful for her. If she is already overloaded emotionally or sensory, the slightest cuddle/hurt will be so over-percieved that she'll be unable to function after the hug.
It may help you reframing this aversion for cuddles and hugs as sensory over-perception.

3) I always need to be kept busy to keep ADHD manageable. If she has downtime moments, she'll find something to be kept busy.
It's like your brain is a washing machine without any off button. So, your washing machine will stop when you unplug it, or when it breaks from overuse.

4) Hormons can mess up ADHD quite badly. Feminine hormone cycle and ADHD = explosive mix.

5) I hear you feel hurt and depressed by the situation. I cannot say "I understand" because I am not you. I can only feel for you, even if it's so little right now.
However, even if she is lucid and is genuinely sorry for the situation, she really cannot do better. She knows the rules, but is impeded to apply her knowledge in relationships because in these moments, she cannot think clearly. I suffer from brain injury and in these moments, it's like being caught in transe : you over-feel emotions to the point your intellectual reasoning shuts down. The slightest implied negative emotion is felt like an emotional fire burn.
FWIW, it will help you and her if you frame her explosive as a warning sign for a problem to be solved rather than a wilful choice to harm you. The explosive behavior functions as an alarm for a problem to be solved.
- You can say you've heard her. You don't have to agree neither disagree with her at this point. When she feels heard, she can then start a discussion because she feels safe instead of feeling threatened.
- You can then reassure her that you won't tell her to do this or not do that : "I didn't say we cannot ..." if the situation requires it.
- You frame the problem tentatively : "Correct me if I'm wrong, but....", "maybe ...", "perhaps ...". At this point, if your guess is inaccurate, she won't be good to correct you calmly : she can go back to over-perception in a matter of femtoseconds.
- Then, you can invite her to brainstorm solutions with you. The right solution is a doable, realistic, mutually satisfactory solution for you and for her.
However, if she does not want to apply the solution you agreed, it means that the solution is not doable, realistic, mutually satisfactory solution for the problem for both of you. Finding the right solution to solve a problem can require multiple trial and errors, and is not a sign of personal failure.
With such technique, she will also learn to see from someone else's point of view.
You don't need to forget your needs, since you state your limits with your concerns. She also states her concerns.
"No one is right or wrong, so let find a way to walk on this road !" is the way to go !
By giving her some control, you can regain back lost control and your sanity. You enhance your credibility towards her instead of undermining it.

6) Seeing someone else's point of view with executive function disorder like ADHD can take a lot of time.
However, see #5 for how you can help her see your point of view and set boundaries that works for both of you. The right solution solves your concerns too.
The key boundaries in any communication between the two of you have to be :
- no sarcasm : the meaning gets lost for her
- no one-upmanship
- no speculation : you may know yourself each other, but speculations are often off-target and she is not good at responding to it.
So, when one of you is sarcastic, is one-upping or speculates, point it out without being judgemental : "that's sarcasm", "that's one-upmanship", "that's speculation".

7) "It's hard to talk to her and it often needs to be lots of times before she will understand enough"
In such a case, break your explanations into tiny, tiny pieces : subject, verb, complement is enough. She can be very intelligent, but sequential memory is affected.
Sequential memory means remembering all the steps for a task, reasoning.... and prioritizing.
It's tempting to add more explanations, but it's counter-productive. These additive explanations get lost because of overwhelm. Wait for the step to be absorbed before adding a new one.
Talk to her when she is calm and not in hyperfocus.

8) I am all for healthy boundaries. However, when someone you love often breaks boundaries and is genuinely sorry, it's a sign that the boundaries-machine is broken.
What I'll say will feel counterintuitive for you, even awkward for a person without any executive function issue.
With executive function issues, the laundry list of boundaries does not work : it's the recipe for broken rules and mutual resentment.
Boundaries are key for healthy relationships when wisely used. Setting boundaries for the sake of setting boundaries does not work. It drains you, drains your girlfriend and your relationship cannot work at all.
Wise use of boundaries means very few boundaries but they're enforced all the time.
So, you need to review your boundaries and prioritize them : the shortest list is non-negotiable boundaries, the second list is the preferred boundaries you can compromise and the third longest list is your wishes in the ideal world.
You enforce non-negotiable boundaries all the time, find a way to compromise with preferred boundaries and completely slide the wish-in-ideal-world boundaries.
IMHO, truly non-negotiable boundaries are the ones about safety for self and others (no physical hitting, no suicidal actions, take meds and going to therapy). Choose a maximum of three non-negotiable boundaries you'll enforce all the time : since you have only three of non-negotiable boundaries, you must choose them wisely.
The preferred boundaries are what you'd like most, but you can compromise : you'd prefer she'd not talk with some people you don't like. As long as she enjoys herself and does not objectively harm you, what's the benefit of asking her not to talk to someone she likes ? You can have your own friendships while she can have her own friendships and you can still be madly in love !
And your list of wishes in the ideal world is what would happen if you lived in the ideal world. If they do happen one day, it will be great, otherwise it's ok.
Prioritizing wisely your boundaries will take away a lot of pressure for you, for her and for your relationship.
Your energy and patience for enforcing boundaries is like a budget. So, instead of berating yourself for not being consistent enough/her for breaking boundaries, choose where you can distribute boundaries setting and enforcing. Ration the energy you spend in the area of boundaries setting/enforcing without an ounce of guilt, no matter what naysayer think.
The energy you can save in the boundaries enforcement area can be used in a more productive way to positively solve issues with your girlfriend.

9) Her lie seems like a way to make things right because she knows that her wrong will hurt you.
It looks like her crazy lying stems from being panicked, clumsy and easily detectable. From what you describe, her lies are similar to small children who say "It's not me, it's the cat !" while being caught red handed.
She does not sound skilled at manipulation as much as you think. She seems to intent to straight up her wrongs with misguided actions because her intent is pleasing you. Right intent but wrong action.
Manipulation requires careful planning, careful organisation and being calmed at all times. ADHD comes with impulsivity. Impulsivity does not go along with skilled manipulation.
When you catch her lying, you can tell her calmly, very matter of fact : "I know this and this" very descriptively, reassure her you still love her, then dealing with the underlying cause of the action.
So, from what you say, I understand she tells you inaccurate informations because she genuinely thinks it happened this way.
I invite you to read Lying vs truthiness. While it targets parents of children, it can also help you dealing with this crazy lying.

In conclusion, she looks like much older intellectually while much younger intellectually.
This discordance of ages can make you feel powerless and question your gf's feelings about you.
No one is to blame for the situation. However, you can change your interaction to help her interact with you.



Good luck !

[jemeryclarz]

Thank you for taking your time to write all of that, I cannot thank you enough for making me see things a little differently.

This is all new to me and I am learning and I want to because no one else in this world is her.

Maybe I should sit down with her and friend this together and then get back to you with a reply.

She is away for a few weeks but when back hopefully we can resolve certain issues!

Again thank you its much appreciated.

[Giucy]

You're welcome !

I also suggest you to read The explosive child by Ross Greene.
The technique given in this book are more or less what I've said above, but this psychologist explains everything much better than I do.
I bet you can be put off by the word "child", but the techniques also work with explosive adults like your gf, and in every setting you meet them.
Knowing how to defuse explosive behavior will go a long way even at your workplace

This book also helps because these techniques are not tied to a diagnosis. So, you can start applying them at home, without a diagnosis.

In a few words, rewards and consequences work for people who need motivation to change their behavior.
From what you say, your gf is already motivated to do well, she already knows that she does wrong when she explodes. She does not need more motivation not to explode. It explains why adding more boundaries not only don't work, but it also worsens such behavior and instill self-hate.

I am glad you wish a discussion with her to tackle the issues.
OTOH, you cannot solve every issues at the same time. Take one, or two issues at time. When you solved these one or two issues, you can move on.
If you try to chase three rabbits at the same time, you'll catch none.