[FalseDawn]

I don't know where to begin or how to begin. There's so much to tell, yet I can't begin. I don't know how to organise these things properly; a main reason is that English is my second language, Bengali is my first. I'm from Bangladesh; aged 15, born with the male gender, OCD and lungs defect.
Name? Doesn't matter. Names mean nothing, all that matters is what we are. You can call me 'Nihil' for the sake of identification.
I apologise for being too dramatic or poetic; I just feel lonely. Are you familiar with the feeling of being heartbroken? How would you feel if you realize that the person you love with your heart never really loved you; instead that person uses you for his/her personal gain? That's what I'm feeling. The person is my mother.
As I can remember, my relationship with her during my childhood was rather odd. She took care of me, but she never seemed to love me warmly. She would scold me for the littlest of things, such as putting my toys out of order and such. I can't remember properly, since these things happened around 10 years ago. I was more attached to my father.
But one thing I can remember that I was uncomfortable with her. I feared that I would end up doing something that would make her mad.
As I grew up, I began to belive that she loved me; she was just a bit hot-headed.
I was admitted to Grade 2 at the as of 8. She would take me to school and bring me back home. She decided which kids I should socialize with and such. I didn't mind back than.
This is when the clouds began to stir. I got the 3rd place in my class, and she wasn't happy; unlike my father. I can't remember everything, but I do remember this. She demanded that I top the other kids, or else she would punish me.
I don't remember much details from those years, but I remember my early adolscence. It was 2011, when I got into Grade 5. It was the year where you attend the first national exam (in Bangladesh). She got me admitted into special classes. My performance was better-than-average, but not the best. She always treated me either coldly, or angrily for that. Anyway, after the exam results were published, it was found that I got a good place and a Silver scolarship. She was happier than ever, with her bragging to everyone that how successful mother she is. I recieved rewards from father, not her. Well, the tables turned when she found out that other kids did better than me, she then kept scolding me for days after days and told me that I'm a shame to the family.
As I was admitted to Grade 6, my father moved to a remote location for the sake of his job. It was just mom and me. I felt a bit uncomfortable, remembering my childhood, but I thought she had changed.
I was wrong. My school performances weren't as expected (it was all new to me), abd she admitted me to various coaching classes. I insisted I would rather not, but she said I must, for that 'other kids are doing'.
All I remember that I spent 8 hours a day attending classes and 2 hours doing homework. And she just kept insisting that I do better. I also received death threats.
I developed severe derealization that year; a scar that I still bear.
Anyway, I still kept beliving that she loved me and does these for my own good. My father wasn't there to help me, so I was alone with her, scared, but I still loved her.
Let's skip another year. My father had reunited with us by the end of that grade. Everything was better, and I forgot all my bad memories of her and loved her again.
Last year was a mess. It was time for another public exam, like Grade 5. So everything was almost a repeat of the previous events, except she told me that I 'MUST' do good because it would be harmful for her image if I don't. She made me study almost 24/7. Anyway, the results were better this time, she seemed happy, but kept telling me that the other kids were better than me, because they did better.
I've just began Grade 9, so the education story is no longer than this.
Now, this is just one branch of the tree. Other things are worser. I can't understand where to start. She always treats me as a fool, no matter what I do. She keeps telling me that I'm a shame to the family, despite not doing anything bad. She says that -
1. Other kids are better than me.
2. I am of no use to her.
3. I can't have free will, because I'm dependent on her for food and shelter. Thus, I must do what she says.
4. She's smarter than me (despite beliving things like chickens aren't birds).
5. A mother gives birth to a child so the child can make her proud.
She does care for me (physically). She feeds me, tells me dumb jokes and nurses me if I'm ill. On the other hand, she has no respects for my privacy. She ploughs through my personal things and decides 90% of my things.
Despite these things, I used to belive that she love me, she does everything for my own good. She would love me regardless of what I am.
One day, I was surfing the net and I came across the Wikipedian article on 'Narcisstic Parents'. To my shock and horror, it described a narcisstic parent just as my mother. After some more research over Google and reading an article called '21 signs of a narcisstic mother' or something, I came to the conclusion that my mother was one. Appearently, people like her use her children instead of loving them. They can never really love their children, they feign love to manipulate them.
So, in the end, I feel messed up. I still love her and want to belive that she loves me as well. But my prior conclusion prevents me from beliving it. It hurts. I feel trapped. I want to stop loving her, but I can't. I have tried to convince myself that she loves me; I'm just misjudging her, but my OCD infested mind wouldn't agree. It only accepts logical conclusions or conclusions other people agree with.
So, where's the problem -
I love her, but she doesn't love me. Instead she uses me (that's what my logics say after researching about narcissistic parents). I can't bear it and instead trying to convince myself that I'm wrong; with no avail.
So, help me solve this problem. May God help you in return.

[PetitBateau]

I am sorry for your sad childhood, and adolescence. I am not of that much experience, i have issues with my mom too, but i have some idea about life. I am pretty sure that no parent give birth to a child to "use him". Maybe your mom thinks that she is protecting you with her huge pressure, maybe this is how she was raised up, maybe she thinks that this is for your own good. On the other hand, her way of treating you is not appropriate, and as a 15 years old you have to try to talk to her, tell her all what you feel, tell her that you want to make her proud, but her way of getting angry and hitting you is making you scared of her and uncomfortable at your own home with your own mother. Tell her that you want a normal relationship, tell her that you appreciate everything that she does for you, but she also has to appreciate all your efforts especially at school. Not to mention that your mom has this thing about being better than others, socially i mean, she wants to show off infront of other mothers maybe, i don't know, but if she really needs to show off, let her do so with her own skills, not with her son's grades. And you have to know something... you are studying hard for your own benefit, not for anybody else. Work hard for YOURSELF. Your mother isn't the one studying 10 hours per day. You are the one. Start thinking about yourself, your future, what you want in life... share it with your mom... don't let her complexes (being the BEST in front of other people, and showing off...) destroy your personality... As you grow up, you will manage to avoid things that drives her mad, and try to show her that you can take decisions, but slowly slowly bcz she will feel that she is loosing you and start her pressure all over again and worse than before.
One last advice, stop googling and searching, try to find a way out deep in your heart and in your mother's heart, I am sure she loves you, maybe she lost control of herself and tries to control you, maybe she was abused as a child or she was raised this way.
God Bless you and help you!

[FalseDawn]

Thank you for showing me the light. I thought I wouldn't find any help. I think you are right. I'll follow your advice. Maybe I over-reacted. Anyway, thanks again!