[blucollarheart]

I am in a new relationship (about 2 months) with someone who recently revealed to me that he is Bipolar and does not take medications. It is a long distance relationship and he is planning on relocating to my area to be with me in a week. I have nobody I can talk to because I know every one in my life (friends, family) will tell me what I don't want to hear...that he is not worth the frustration that it is going to cause me. This is probably good advice, but it is a little late. I am in love with him, and the news does not change my feelings for him, but I am mortified. He is the most kind, gentle, considerate man I have ever met. I have physically spent about 2 weeks with him over the past two months, and we talk to and text each other all day long every day. I have not seen or heard any signs of the disorder. He told me the medications made his mood swings worse. He told me he has it under control without medications. He told me he has not had very manic episodes since his 20's (he is 44 now) and he told me that he has not been hospitalized since 2006. He told me that he would never be physically or verbally abusive to me, and that should he ever realize he was becoming manic he would see the warning signs and immediately check himself into a hospital. From what I have read and have been told, these are all probably good intentions, but once a manic episode happens, the chances he will actually follow through with his promises are slim. I want to know what to expect. I would like to know more about the frequencies of episodes in cases of individuals who are not medicated. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi blucollarheart

Thank you for sharing your post with us. I do see your point of view on this situation.

This relationship is quite new, and has only been going for 2 months.

There are a few aspects I would like to touch on that you have mentioned.

You have been in a relationship with a partner who has revealed that he is not on medication and is Bipolar. Whilst I personally am on medication I do know of people who can successfully work out strategies in managing Bipolar with professional assistance who are not on medication.

I can understand your thoughts of isolation in wanting to get an opinion on this one. Yes, society does hold stigmas and myths about people with Bipolar, indeed, this is true.

There is a great article here on some of the many myths that society holds against people with Bipolar, I think that you may find this interesting:

8 Bipolar Myths: Symptoms, Mania, Diagnosis, Statistics, and More

So yes I do completely understand you point of view when you say that "he is not worth the frustraton that he is going to cause me." And you have already subconsciously made the evaluation that "This is probably good advice". It would make sense to me, if this is the first person that you have dated or encountered with Bipolar as there do seem to be quite a few stigmas regarding this disorder.

I am glad to hear that you are in love with him. You feel in love with him because he is a person. Just like you. Who, footnote, so happens to have an MI. But you fell in love with him anyway because you see the human for who he is. Are you "mortified" that he was born with a chemical imbalance in his brain?

You see the beautiful person that he is: "He is the most kind, gentle, considerate man I have ever met". That is great news.

You seem to have kept in real close contact via text message and this is really positive.

"You have not seen or heard any signs of the disorder". Awesome. I think that he is currently in a stable mood and I am really glad that you see him for who he really is.

Yes, some Bipolar people do infact believe that medication makes them "worse." I guess this is a matter of personal opinion.

He is lucky in that he does not seem to have had that many manic episodes and going without hospitalisation since 2006 is really good - 9 years and he's going strong. Kuddos to your partner. He's great.

"He told me that he would never be physically or verbally abusive to me" = well yes, I do believe he speaks the truth. He speaks for himself. It does not mean if one has a diagnosis of Bipolar that they turn into abusive people.

And I think he sounds really sensible. He knows his warning signs. He's had this MI for a long time so I am pretty sure he does know his warning signs quite well. I think that he is trying his very best to make you feel safe with him in this relationship. This must be so hard on him. He's fallen in love with the most amazing person and is afraid that he may lose you because he is human [who, footnote, has an MI].

"From what I have read and have been told, these are all probably good intentions, but once a manic episode happens, the chances that he will actually follow through with his promises are slim". Okay, did you read this in some funny newspaper article or one of the myths on this internet? Not sure really. But I think that should be added as Myth Number 9 in the article that I shared with you.

"I want to know what to expect".

Well we are all so different.

No one Bipolar person looks like the other.

We can present in different ways.

So yes there are certain diagnostic criteria that we do meet in order for the diagnosis of Bipolar to occur.

I think that he has tried very nicely to explain to you how Bipolar manifests in himself. And this was very kind of him.

He's already:

1. Been honest and told you early on in the relationship that he is Bipolar, yet he knows already of these 8 myths that society holds against him but loves you enough to be so honest with you to disclose this despite the fear that he may lose you

2. He has already taken a massive leap of faith to make this relationship work with you because he knows already that you will not speak to your family and friends because you know that they will tell you that it is not worth the frustration and will leave you mortified - so he had a 50 / 50 chance of losing you by revealing his diagnosis but he loves you and is very honest with you

3. You already know he is kind, please expect this kindness to continue

4. You already know he is gentle, so please expect the gentleness to continue in this relationship

5. You have been in contact with him for 2 months and have not noticed any symptoms - awesome, so this means that he certainly can lead periods of stability in this relationship

6. He hasn't been in hospital for 9 years. Well that is really positive news. So you shouldn't expect many hospital visits if you enter into a long term relationship.

7. You already know he is not physically or verbally abusive; please do not expect this to occur in your relationship

So yes, points number 1 - 7 are a given and very promising for this relationship. I think this could really work for the two of you. I am really proud that he told you that he is human [who footnote, so happens to have an MI].

If you love him, accept him for who he is. He is still human.

Well I guess if I had to add any of my own footnotes into this I guess I would say this:

Bipolar people do go through episodes indeed, although his do not seem to sound all that frequent.

These episodes are a little bit like boomerangs.

I can assure you that he will do his best to keep these episodes at bay.

He sounds already like he is doing a great job at doing so.

All said and done it does not necessarily mean that he will be "episode" free; again, this is like a boomerang. He will not know when it will occur, but it will. It could be stress, or it could just be nothing other than an episode. But he does know these warning signs of this episode.

Well I guess in order to make a relationship work, any relationship really, this requires committment and hard work.

From both parties.

He is trying his best here.

He's laid all cards on the table for you because he loves you.

And has already shown you from his side what he is prepared to do to make this relationship work.

So here's my advice for you.

I would like for YOU to now please think about what YOU are going to do, to meet him half way to make this relationship work.

I have outlined 7 expectations that you can expect from him and how he is committed to this relationship.

So here's my advice on what you can do.

1. Support him when he goes through episodes. You do this because you love him. Because he is human. Because he is still the same person who is human [who, footnote, has an MI].

2. Educate yourself. About symptoms. He recognises his early warning signs. Can you meet him half way and recognise the warning signs too? This will help him tremendously. This will work effectively like synergy's iconic metaphor (you know the power of 1+1=3). This will be an extremely powerful tool that you can use in this relationship.

3. If he is hospitalised, please support him. Would you be prepared to visit him every day in hospital just to let him know that you still love him because he is human [who, footnote, has an MI].

4. Please educate yourself more about the myths that society holds about Bipolar. You have already added Myth Number 9 to the article. This is great. Education is a powerful tool. The more you know what is the truth and what is a myth, the better equipped you are into making this relationship work.

5. Please forgive him if he does have some days that are a little bit "off key". This can often be mistaken for being a mood episode. It's not really. Bipolar people are human and do sometimes experience feelings, just as you do. It is important that you are honest with him at all times about your feelings too. You are very important to him in this relationship.

I think this relationship has fantastic potential.

You have found such an amazing person and you are both in love with each other.

My advice?

"ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country"

There's no other way this will work really.

I am glad you have opened up to us about your insecurities.

This is quite normal.

Best wishes to you moving forward in this relationship.

Wow Hooligan, I don't think there was a better way to put any of that, but I am going to go ahead and tack on with a bit of personal experience as a man that is married, financially sound, good career, UNMEDICATED, oh and yes, currently manic, but highly functioning. I have been diagnosed Bipolar 1 and recently diagnosed Bipolar Schizoaffective.

Just to kind of touch on the myths in the thread that Hooligan posted, I figured I would talk about them from the point of view of a Bipolar man.

1. Bipolar is not rare at all. If you look at the forum you will see plenty of bipolar people. It is the second heaviest subforum on the the site, and also has one of the larger support groups. Its on Saturdays at 8pm EST. You are welcome to attend and meet some of our bipolar members and get a first hand glance at what the illness is and the measures we go through to live normal lives. I think you will be quite impressed and it will give you some insight as to what this man has gone through to be the wonderful person you make him out to be.

2. Bipolar is more than mood swings. It can have many faces and it doesn't happen often. And to touch on the third myth that the changes are very often, no they aren't, as this gentleman has demonstrated to you.

3. We don't like being manic. In fact at first, it can be fun. It's nice to feel good. I was feeling great earlier this week. Its day 6. I'm exhausted and I want to sleep. I trust that this man probably feels the same way about it. He wouldn't have worked to stay this stable for so long. So you can feel pretty safe that he is going to continue on that path. Oh, and mania doesnt cause verbal/physical abuse. Its more of an annoyance that yes, as time goes on can potentially fo damage to relationships, but that is where having a supportive significant other comes in handy. I can maintain some sort of sense of self because my wife in nice enough to remind me that this will pass and keeps in constant communication with me as far as what is going on in my mind. You can do that same with this guy.

The other myths are pretty self explanatory, so I really wont go into them. While in some cases medication and therapy seems to be one of the most useful tools in managing bipolar, there are things that can be done by the person with the illness to manage it, and it seems the guy you are seeing has done well utilizing them. I think that you should give him the benefit of the doubt and as Hooligan said, meet him halfway. He took a huge leap telling you that he has it, and I think that you should take a leap and trust his judgement on his illness. Also trust that he knows his mind and like so many of us, he will likely check into a hospital if need be. I have done it. Most of us have.

My last bit of advice also touches another thing Hooligan already stated. Educate yourself about the illness. The best thing my wife ever did was research and learn everything that Bipolar and Bipolar Schizoaffective entails and at times she sees things that I dont. It has saved me many times and kept me from hitting places I didn't want to be. I'm highly functioning and I know I am not managing as well as the man you are describing, but I am still a loving, non violent, non abusive person who supports my wife and has built a living. The biggest helper to someone having mental illness is support. 99% of people will tell you that they do much better managing their illnesses when they have a sturdy support system outside of medication and therapy. Its hard to say what to expect. You can pretty much expect the same guy you have been seeing to remain that same person. You were fine before you knew about the illness. I suggest not holding the illness against him and give him a fair shot, just like he has given you. Good luck

[Crazy Hitch]

So well spoken ChaoticInsanity.

I 100% echo and agree with your sentiments.

Thank you for adding to this too.

[blucollarheart]

Hooligan and Chaotic Insanity - I can't thank you both enough for the time you took to to reply to my post. You have made me feel much, much better. I did want to clarify that I am not mortified of his MI, rather I am so afraid of the unknown. I do know others who suffer from Bipolar disorder and have been witness to some of the self destructive patterns that have ruined their lives. My partner does not do drugs or drink, which seem to have been more of a cause of the self destructive tendencies of the other people I have known with the disorder.

I am going to pick him up next Sunday so we can start our life together, and I will be there every step of the way for him. In a way, now knowing that he has Bipolar Disorder, I certainly will feel more comfortable having him beside me than him being 600 miles away and not being able to provide the love and attention he needs.

Originally Posted by blucollarheart

Hooligan and Chaotic Insanity - I can't thank you both enough for the time you took to to reply to my post. You have made me feel much, much better. I did want to clarify that I am not mortified of his MI, rather I am so afraid of the unknown. I do know others who suffer from Bipolar disorder and have been witness to some of the self destructive patterns that have ruined their lives. My partner does not do drugs or drink, which seem to have been more of a cause of the self destructive tendencies of the other people I have known with the disorder.

I am going to pick him up next Sunday so we can start our life together, and I will be there every step of the way for him. In a way, now knowing that he has Bipolar Disorder, I certainly will feel more comfortable having him beside me than him being 600 miles away and not being able to provide the love and attention he needs.

Its understandable to be afraid of the unknown, but it realy does seem like this man has a good head on his shoulders. And I am also really glad to know that you are going to stick by his side and help support him as he continues to strive to remain stable. Seriosly though, research Bipolar and learn all you can. It will be a powerful tool that will help keep the relationship strong. Best of luck to you!

[Crazy Hitch]

You're welcome blu

I enjoy hearing what non diagnosed Bipolar think of us

And I enjoy debunking some of the myths.

Oh I completely understand the anxiety behind all of this. I'll openly admit being Biplar is can be confusing for even me at the best of times lol.

But I'm still human.

I think you've found a good man.