[krisakira]

Hello. I am a member of PC for myself mostly since I have schizoaffective disorder, ADHD, panic disorder, asperger's, and some other things. But my husband has depression. Like really bad depression. Like worse than I've ever had. Or at least as bad as my worst has been in my life. He hates society. He wishes he could kill people. He's only taking his prescription antidepressants for me cause he couldn't care less if it weren't for me being in his life. He would probably kill himself if he didn't have me. It puts a lot of pressure on me. Not only do I have to watch him suffer through his depression, I have to live with less affection and attention, less support, and have to be the perfect wife otherwise he could get even more depressed or worse kill himself. I know it is tough on him but I just wanted to vent some about how tough it has been on me. He has been through things with me and supported me through my mental illnesses, and I want to be there for him. I just feel like he does not put in the effort himself to get any better, because he thinks it just can't get any better. I constantly motivate him, talk to him, try to build up his self-esteem. But in the end, I have learned that I cannot make him happy. I can't force him to be in a good mood. I can't take his depression away from him. And that is what hurts me the most. It makes me feel so powerless and useless. I just don't know what to do anymore. There is nothing I can do. Except walk along beside him and hold his hand and be his companion. Maybe one day it will get better. I keep hoping it does, but it just gets worse. I used to think that after we moved out of his parents house, that things would be much better. And he says things ARE better, but I don't see it. Then I thought things would get better once he got a job. And he got a job and he liked his job for a while, but then he started hating it. Now he really hates it. I married him thinking things were going to get so much better. I thought our life would be perfect, living on our own with him having a job and me going to school. Then I would get a job after I get my degree, and things would just be great. But now I don't know if that dream will ever come true. It makes me so sad. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what job he has, no matter what situation we are in, he will still be depressed. Ok I am done rambling. Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry this is affecting you so much. I can't imagine what its like to see that in the person you love. ((hugs)) I hope you can help him. Would he be willing to talk to someone?

[krisakira]

Thanks, ((hugs back)). The thing is, he can't get time off work to see a therapist regularly otherwise we would already have been doing that. His schedule is all over the place and he works evenings some days and most weekends. He never knows when he has to work until the week before. Then sometimes its changed, or cancelled, or added stuff to it at the last minute. So scheduling an appointment weekly or biweekly is impossible. Occasionally if he has a friday off, he comes to therapy with me. But it has to be about me, not him, for my insurance to cover it. It just really sucks cause he needs some therapy.