[alaralyn245]

I'm not certain this is the best place - I'm new!

I've been in therapy myself since August of last year. Therapist indicated possibly an adjustment disorder, but I have a lot of various childhood traumas and current relationship issues with my parents, so we've been working through a lot of that. My mother has type 1 diabetes and OCD - T1D since she was 11 and OCD was diagnosed when I was a year old and she was around 27. She's been on medication my entire life. She also had bulimia in her late teens and early 20s. I won't go into too much detail, but she didn't manage any of her health issues very well, but also seems to struggle with a lot of denial. She has episodes where she believes she's the devil and she hasn't sought help beyond a low level dose for the OCD. I don't trust her with my own children and have been taking a break in communication to form some boundaries and decide how I want to handle the relationship going forward. I don't believe she has bad intentions, she just isn't healthy and doesn't do what is necessary.

My father on the other hand is more challenging. He is more functional practically speaking, but I'm beginning to wonder if he has paranoid personality disorder. I'm not trying to diagnose - simply to find a lens to understand his behavior. We were very isolated growing up - home schooled, lived in the country, etc. Also very religious. My father was a Scientologist for several years and left it shortly before I was born. They became fundamentalist Christians and I was raised with some pretty strange theology. I have not had a real relationship with my father in years and I'm just beginning to sort through this. The pattern of his life is that he is always the victim. Work, churches (we were "kicked out" of a few), family, friends, etc. I was taught that everyone except my parents had motives that couldn't be trusted. They were out to deceive me, get my money, use me, men would only want sex, etc. We moved when I was 13 and socialized more and I made a lot of friends, but I began to struggle with depression and self-harm (partially due to the environment and family relationships) and my father blamed the church and my friends and completely ended those relationships when I was 15 and told me they didn't care about me or they would try harder to contact me (after I had been forced to tell them in person with my father watching that my parents would not allow me to contact them). I remember he was also suspicious of our neighbors, he was always miserable in his job because he didn't trust anyone there, he and my mother fought terribly at times and he blamed her for all of our life problems. Even their condo association is "corrupt" and he believes they now hate him because apparently he's the only one willing to call them on their activities. He spent hours pouring over their legal documents trying to find holes, etc.

Additionally, his mother (my grandmother) was very paranoid. She used to listen to the police scanner as a hobby, she was always talking about people and how awful they were, they had cameras on their house for security that they also used to keep tabs on their neighbors and she was very bitter and suspicious.

Fast forward to current day - I sent my parents a letter a few days ago after several months of processing some things I wanted to say. My father responded in his typical way - seemingly positive, but with lots of manipulative BS thrown in the mix that takes time to sort. I don't want to speak to them in person, but I said he could respond via email to my letter and he still hasn't done that. I know this could take time, but I am feeling impatient. My brother cut off my parents a couple of years ago and I'm not certain how this is going to end up for me. I am tired of being influenced by people who act life our life was normal, I don't trust them with my children (physically or emotionally), but I also have this overwhelming pull of "but they are my parents". I took care of my mother all throughout my life and I believed my father was our ultimate spiritual authority (things were very cult-like in our family) and it was a struggle to move out when I was 18 because those beliefs and responsibilities were so strong. I struggle to feel justified in breaking contact, especially when my father still uses manipulative language to tell me I'm wrong. I'm nervous about his response - almost more nervous about a potentially *positive* response because I'm not sure I want to be sucked back into a relationship with them.

It's just such a struggle because they are my parents.

[kaliope]

hi alaralyn
i dont know that i am the best person to be answering this post but i dont want to see it go unanswered and i wanted to welcome you. i dont want to offend you or change your belief system but you stated how your family was cult like so how much of your belief that "they are my parents" and you need to remain attached to them is based on the beliefs impressed upon you in your upbringing. i was the "good daughter" and did what was expected of me up until my breakdown eight years ago. then i finally stood up and did what was necessary to detach from my parents and i finally started to heal. after what was done to me in my childhood, i realized i owed them nothing. they had a certain obligation to fill as parents and they did that very poorly. they went overboard doing things that harmed me. they prevented me from having a normal childhood. so i was able to walk away from them and not feel bad about it after a while and i finally got better. im not saying this is what you should do, just giving you another perspective.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central alaralyn!!! It's nice to meet you. I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough upbringing at the hands of your parents. I think my dad is narcissistic and I had a rough childhood as well but once I became an adult, I realized I would have to set boundaries with him and my mother who always acts like a victim in order to move forward and out of their manipulative ways. This doesn't mean I wont be there for them if they need my help in an emergency or every now and then but my personal life is no longer privy to them. I had to deal with the guilt at first until I realized the guilt was intentionally put there by them to make me comply to their will. I hope this helps give you courage to move forward with your life without feeling as though your're doing something wrong. I think you've made a wise decision in keeping your children at a distance. Best wishes!!!

[waggiedog]

Hello dear alaralyn and a very warm WELCOME to Psych Central and the very good and positive things it has to offer. Please stick with us because you will continue to be supported. There's also a lot of helpful information should you wish to pursue it.

You certainly had a very rough deal at the hands of your parents whilst growing up, what a terrible shame what should have been the best years of your life were obviously filled with fraught situations. However the good advice the two trusted members have written before myself is indeed sound, though I appreciate it easy for me to say that you owe you're parents nothing more that a civil conversation when required. Of course, should there be an emergency, you'd want to help BUT, no more than that. I'm only full of concern for you, it's not too late to rid yourself of their somewhat weird beliefs, but still keeping your own chosen beliefs for the right reasons.

I look forward to seeing you around here soon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx