[Babylover10]

I have been in a relationship with someone who has BPD for four years now.

We have extreme issues. I went to school for psychology. I have written a number of books pertaining to BPD, I have even written a twenty-page research paper on it. I’ve done it all. And his mind, I cannot understand. It’s the rabbit hole of my life.

I have dated him for four years. He still will not introduce me to his family and still will not meet mine. So essentially we are still in hiding. He is too afraid to begin the relationship because “I might leave him and I might screw him over”, etc. But at the same time he can treat me like a queen. It is a constant push and pull.

I have not been happy for some time now because he usually will skip out on our plans or else show up three hours later (not exaggerating) like he will show up at ten at night and leave my house at five am.

He claims my unhappiness is how he knows I do not love him, and why he cannot move forward, but I cannot be happy when he shows up three hours late. I am not mean or angry; I just do not obsess over him, as he would like. So because I am not obsessed with him, I do not love him. According to him.I am rather depressed because our relationship is terrible. And to him, my depression is a sign I will leave him.

I cannot discuss any issues I have will him. If I mention that I am unhappy he will instantly tell me it’s all my fault and I am a crazy this and that and all the bad mean crazy things. So, then when I ever point out how insane he is being (very nicely and without saying those words) he goes into a violent rage and screams a long circle of pointless insults at me.

Our conversations constantly go nowhere and he just talks in circles and tries to control me. For instance,
“I’m going to come over.”- BF
“Okay, sounds good. See you soon.”- Me
“No, you’re not even happy, Can’t you just sound happy for once? You never appreciate anything I do. You’re never happy. F*(* it. I’m not coming and f*&^ you too.” –BF
“Uhmmmm….no….that’s not what I was saying. I am excited I want you to come.” -Me
“No you aren’t sounding excited enough. Why would I want to come there if you aren’t even going to give me a kiss when I get there because you’re mad.”_ -BF
“Uhm, I’m just slightly disappointed. I told you I wanted to go eat, but you ate without me on purpose. That hurts my feelings.”- Me
“Okay, queen *insert my name*. You’re just the princess. You’re f*&^%$# insane. This isn’t something to be mad over. You’re crazy controlling. You’re the craziest person I have ever met.”- BF
“I’m not mad. I’m fine. Really. I am just a little sad. It’s all fine.” - Me
“I’m not coming until you sound happy and tell me.” -Me
“You’re being controlling. I am not going to do that just because you tell me. It’s not fair to me.”- Me
‘I AM NOT YOU’RE F(*&^%$ INSANE. YOU TREAT ME LIKE **** I AM F*&^%$# NOT I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE YOU. YOU ARE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND I HAVE EVER HAD. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. I AM NOT CONTROLLING YOU ARE THE CRAZIEST F)(*&^% PERSON I HAVE EVER MET. DON’T TALK TO ME ANYMORE.”-
“Ookkayyy..This is not a good way to talk to me. I know you’re upset, but this is not okay. I need to get off the phone now.”
“SEE? I KNEW YOU WOULD ALWAYS LEAVE ME BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME YOU JUST TREAT ME LIKE S(*&. WELL IF YOU HANG UP I AM NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN….” Etcetera, etcetera.
And if we continue to talk about it and he tells me I am insane I will occasionally say again “I still believe that that you are being controlling, and it is okay that you disagree. I was just sharing how I felt in the moment.” And he will continue screaming usually.

I need to stand my ground because otherwise he will walk all over me, but when I do that it just makes him angrier. He is extremely manipulative and makes me very sad.

In general, I have a very calm disposition. I work with children who have issues and it is critical that I control my voice and the way I speak to them. If I do not, whatever I am doing is ruined. I have worked as a teacher with some disadvantaged families, etc. (going to school to be a therapist now ). I also work in the social work world with families who have lost their children(angry people usually,lol). It is really hard to get me worked up and my voice always has this calm sing- song sound, because it has had to be this way for years. I don’t yell ever. And I only get a stern voice when it is critical. So, while he is screaming I am just calm and nice, because I can't get all worked up. He says this voice makes him unhappy because I don't love him because I am not emotional enough.

I just need support. Something. Someone who understands. Advice. A story about you having the same issues. Anything, really.

[healingme4me]

You mentioned that you need to stand your ground or otherwise he'll walk all over you. Treating you like a queen from 10pm to 5am is far from him being capable of a mature adult relationship.

[comethisfar]

Hi Babylover10, you are probably much more of an expert on BPD that I will ever be but I can tell you from my own experience with a BPD partner that my being calm and knowledgeable and responding to his illness the way the psychology books tell you drives him absolutely over the edge. Here is what I have learnt: it is true BPDs feel raw emotions and that's why he has the best and most sensitive antenna for me being "preachy" or "learnt"
To him this sounds condescending and in calmer moments he will tell me that it is not authentic and that I do not really empathize with how he feels or that I am overly controlling with what I feel. Very very true! So, I hope you don't mind my saying this, Babylover10, but he is your relationship, not your patient. If he has anything like the antenna my partner has he knows when you are seeing him through the professional lense first and as a lover second! That doesn't make his reactions ok but you already know that! I agree that you can not and should not back down! Wishing you the strength to deal with that or to walk away! Big hug!