[midgeymoomoo]

I met my partner back in November of last year, we met on an online dating site and chatted away by email eventually meeting up after a few weeks of chatting online. On our first date, he came across as very shy, but chatty and laughed a fair bit too.. it turns out that I was in the same class as his twin siblings and we knew one another from our school days and my friendship with his siblings.. We chatted for near on two hours about school, his interests and mine and things we had in common, we got on great and it felt great. The subsequent dates that followed he was reluctant to choose where to meet/go for dates so I made suggestions of where we could go - cinema, bowling, rollerskating, play pool and off we went over the following month having a good time. On our second date after bowling he made me bacon butties with gluten free bread because he knew I couldn't eat wheat.. I thought that was really thoughtful of him.
It was about a month after our first date that he told me he has bipolar type 2 and experiences depression and anxiety, other than that he gave no indication of how it affects him, how he copes etc. He just said that it can get bad and asked if I could deal with it. I asked if it was ok to ask questions about it, but every time I ask anything, he doesn't want to answer. Since being with him, he has told me little more than sometimes he doesn't want to see anyone, he doesn't want to talk, and he doesn't understand any of it himself. I was aware of Bipolar since a good friend of mine has Bipolar type 1 so I had some understanding, more so because she had shared her experiences with me of what it is like for her, how she copes and manages it etc.. Liking my partner a lot I sought to find out as much as I could about the illness via the internet and through reading books etc..
He was diagnosed 3 years ago (bipolar 2 with recurrent episodes of depression and anxiety) and has been on meds since, (with a change in meds recently). The meds leave him sleeping a lot of the time as well as other side effects of hot flushes, tummy cramps etc.. So I understand this all has an extra impact on how a person feels and their mood. He wants to exercise but wants me to tell him what to do/get him going (I'm a fitness instructor by trade), he wants to eat better but reverts to chocolate, biscuits and Pepsi after a day of eating healthy. He has no talking therapy of any kind because he had CBT therapy once and said it didn't work so has not accepted or sought any therapy since despite being offered it by his doctor (he said work won't let him have the time off to attend - even though there are afternoon/evening sessions available too).
The week after he told me about the bipolar, he confessed he hadn't seen his boys for nearly a year and was going through the courts to regain access (he had initially told me he saw his boys during the week and every Saturday). I still don't know the full story today as to exactly why his ex wife stopped him having contact. All I know is his cousin thinks his ex was a bit 'wrong in the head' and messed him around.. yet his cousins partner says my partner could have been jailed for what happened at that he's lucky?? So I'm not really sure what has happened in the past other than what his cousin has told me. She said he suffered with depression anyway, anger issues too. She said that his mum died of a heart attack 5 years ago and that also contributed further to his depression.

Its his behaviour/attitude towards me that I'm really struggling with now. Once he'd told me he's Bipolar its like he changed. We stopped going out.. He would drive to mine, sit and watch TV, not talk much if at all and not engage in anything, then he'd go to bed, wake up and drive off home for work. We would go to see his cousin and his best mates and go on an occasional ride on his motorbike with his biking buddies. Whenever he was with them though he would be really chatty and animated, laughing along, and generally engaging in conversation. Then when he was just alone with me its like another person appeared, he hardly spoke, seemed irritated when I spoke to him. It would be back to the TV, sex when he wants it, asking me to massage him.. I would cook all the meals, I would do all the driving wherever we went in my car... And now, its all very much similar, except he now sees his boys twice during the week and every other weekend. When we have weekends where we both have our boys (I have 2 sons) then I end up entertaining them all, sorting out places to go, cooking for everyone and generally being a right skivvy. He's recently told me he's accessed my Netflix account to watch movies (without asking me if it was ok to). I drive to see him once a week, I spend time with him, and his boys when they finish school for the day. I bring my own food coz he never has anything I can eat at his the house and if there is its coz I've gone and bought it but ill be lucky if he's not eaten it already by the time I'm over his next. I end up cooking (or keeping an eye on) their tea (his boys and his), I play with them coz my partner is tired or can't be bothered. Then I leave to go back home to work. I come over to sleep every other weekend. Unless I pay for cinema or his cousin asks him over for lunch we do nothing except watch TV, go to bed, have sex (it was making love once upon a time) and go to sleep. He comes to see me once every few weeks on his own but doesn't stay over anymore since his shed was burgled (despite the house being alarmed). When he comes round he sits on the sofa and watches TV, I cook him tea and then he goes home to bed.
We used to go out on his motorbike, I'd ride pillion. I learnt to ride a motorbike and now have my own, and we did a few rides out together. He gets frustrated at my slow speed so we no longer go for a ride out and he complains about me being on the back of his bike so we don't do that either now.
When we visit his friends and his cousin, he natters and laughs away like anything and pretty much ignores me or might take the piss out of me sometimes. Its like they get all the good attitude an I get all the crap. When he's at work he says he has a right laugh and they do silly things and again he chatters away. Its like seeing two sides of one person. and it really hurts.
I accompany him to his appointments with his doctor, make calls an appts when he's too anxious to make them.
message him every morning. If i didn't he wouldn't message me or he would message asking if I'm with someone else coz I've not texted him.
Most days of the week I can send four or five messages a day and receive no reply or a short snappy one word answer.
Its very rare that he tells me he loves me if at all via text or spoken word and i find it hard to believe he's telling me the truth of he does tell me coz his actions don't match.
If i were to call for a chat he wouldn't answer yet alone call back, so we may not see each other for four days or so and there's no real conversation or communication of any kind.
Continuing with conversation.. When we are together there's hardly any conversation however hard I try. I may get a few snappy irritated words or a mumble from him or even shhhh!!! I'm trying to watch this and you want to talk. Yet if i don't talk I'm accused of not talking to him or telling him anything and hiding stuff from him.
He doesn't tend to speak to me very nicely and always seems irritated by me despite his mood. If i happen to feel in a low mood due to trying to manage his bipolar along with my youngest son at home (dyslexic and poss autistic/add) i get 'what the matter with you? Are you grumpy? Oh yes you are, your all grumpy, what for?'. The other day we got in from the shops and he said 'what you doing? Are you going to cook this tea or not?' To which i replied 'no!' And he then came face to face with me and said 'did you say no?' I said that I'd cook tea when I'm ready and went off to go to the toilet. He then said 'where you going now? This tea isn't going to cook itself!' It really got to me and started making me think hard about what's going on in this relationship.

I'm feeling increasingly confused and unhappy by his changes in mood, behaviour, attitude and spiteful words. I really do care and i really am trying hard to understand how Bipolar effects him.. but I'm starting to question if it is all to do with his bipolar?/ or is this his general personality/temperament?? I don't know what to think..
I'm feeling really low and sad and my own life seems to be disappearing. I feel like a caregiver and punch bag and I certainly don't feel like a girlfriend or even loved.. It hurts so much..
Please if anyone has had a similar experience, is experiencing it now? What did you decide to do? How do you cope, manage etc? I'll be very honest in saying that I am at the point of wanting to walk away because I'm not sure I want to live my life this way for the rest of my life.. I'm not sure if things will change? And if I can't talk to him then I don't know what else I can do?
Thanks for listening and sorry its such a long post x

[healingme4me]

If he's unable to be completely transparent with you, full timeline, stories that add up, explaining what bipolar means for him, then I see nothing but more heartache. Because there's no trust, no honesty, etc.

[midgeymoomoo]

I took the opportunity to go and talk to my partner on Thursday after he'd texted back to say he was free either thurs or fri. When i arrived he was watching tv which he switched off and then turned to me and said 'so you wanted to talk. So talk'.

I didn't really know what to say or where to begin and i told him just that..

I told him that i felt hurt by his messages, and his unkind words last week/weekend to which he said they weren't meant and he can't help what he's texting or saying when he's down/angry. (He said he took a diazepam last weekend to take the edge off his mood/temper).. He said i should take it all with a pinch of salt because its not meant. I told him it still hurts and i felt upset an hurt by his unkind words which is why i was quiet over the weekend. He said that i need to tell him there and then that he's overstepped the mark otherwise he won't know coz he doesn't know he's said it, to him its normal. He said that if i don't talk to him and tell him, how is he supposed to know. (But likewise if he doesn't talk to me about how he's feeling, how am I supposed to know).. I asked what if he gets angry at me pulling him up on his unkind words. He said he would only be angry if i didn't say anything at all. I can't be sure of that though.. He then went on to talk about how he can't help how he is. He wakes up feeling low questioning whether he wants to get out of bed, wants to go to work or not and that its a real effort to just do that, saying that given the chance he would stay in bed all day. He goes to bed early because then he can get through the day and onto the next. He said he gets bored easily, whatever he's doing or bot doing. He told me he can't concentrate for long with so much going around in his head which is another reason he gets bored. He told me he is always thinking morbid thoughts (his boys being kidnapped or killed, his friends and family being hurt etc) and he can tell me a hundred ways to end his life coz that's what's floating round in his head a lot of the time even if he isn't feeling down. Told me that's why he used to self harm, to cut it out but that he's not done that for a while now. Says he doesn't know when his mood is going to change and if he does 'feel' it then he can't stop it happening. I asked if when he first met me, was it all an act, putting on of a brave face as such. he said he doesn't know, but it felt real, it felt good. He says at work he has to put on a face coz he feels people will judge him otherwise. I asked him how he feels when I'm around, when he sees me to which he replied 'I get excited to know I'm going to see you'??.. He said its not me and he can't help how he feels. Said he's got no motivation to do anything or go anywhere, out, to see family, or friends, and when he's down he just wants to be alone and not see anyone, not even his boys who he fought so hard to regain access to. Says he just can't be bothered and just wants to sleep. Told me he gets annoyed at the silliest of things, and his youngest (liveliest bless him) child annoys him. He feels anxious a lot of the time and paranoid about stuff too (i asked of this is why he questions if in cheating or am with someone else to which he said yes). I told him that I want us to do things together like we did when we first met. He said he does too but he finds it hard to feel any motivation and said he hates crowds and groups and gets bored easily. It made me feel upset.

He told me that therapy/counselling didn't work so he won't even give it another chance. He says he's not and never will be the romantic kind of guy but if i want him to be then he's supposes he could but that he won't really like it. He told me that this is him and he can't change who he is and he thought i accepted him as he is.

He said he doesn't open up doesn't talk because he doesn't trust people as he been betrayed in the past. Said he trusts me though. Said he understands if i want to leave, its up to me. But doesn't want me to coz he loves me.

I was crying here and there throughout but he sat next to me devoid of emotion, no touch, nothing.. I'd offered empathy and shown understanding throughout, i even lightened the conversation here and there to which he smiled or make a faint but fun comment in reply..

Conversation ended as i sat there unable to think straight really, unsure of what how to take it all in and make sense of it.

I thanked him for opening up to me and talking. He said it was hard for him to talk but that he to do it and hopes i understand a bit more about it.

I'm still unsure this evening of how i feel, am i feeling love or otherwise for him? He came round yesterday, quiet, sat on my sofa and did nothing except comment he was bored (and told me its not me, he's just bored) and needed to go to town, he was thirsty etc.. His kids, my youngest and i played outside, i remained upbeat singing, dancing and enjoying myself with the boys. I didn't feel bothered by his comments or his manner its like i let them wash over me. I hugged him, i chatted away but it somehow didn't feel real. I kissed him, held him, stroked his head as he lay on my lap. I wasn't fussed when he went home knowing he wouldn't be staying over, a week ago this would have bothered me a lot. And today i was at a tournament all morning with my boys, i went to see my partner and his boys this afternoon with the intention of going to the play park with all the boys. My partner was absorbed by the tv and my youngest kept asking to go out. My partner said lets give it half an hour and go out.. I got fed up after 5 and got my trainers on and we went off out. I played with all the boys, whilst he sat on the bench on his phone, aside from pushing his boy for 5 min on a swing. He asked us to stay to tea, said it would save me time when i got home, but i needed to get home earlier than normal today so declined. I also declined because i didn't want to get lumbered with cooking everyone's tea having asked him what he and boys were having to tea with a reply of not got a clue..

So i sit here in limbo.. I feel a little numb.. I feel a bit guilty, more so when i think of the future aware that we may just sit on the sofa and do nothing or on the off chance go out and do something together..

I love him, i feel for him and how this cruel illness manifests him.. I'm cross because he allows it to control him..

I'm just not sure what the heck 'I' want right now ��xx

[Puglife]

Honestly, before the relationship continued I would find out what his cousin's partner meant by the statement he should be in jail. If you have kids, you need to ensure their safety.

What do you get out of the relationship? Your not married or even living together. If your not happy now is the time to get out. Good luck.

[midgeymoomoo]

Its over.. I broke it off this afternoon. I feel really naff.
I went round to his, as soon as i arrived he jumped in the car and said we are off for a drive, i need to get out. As we drove, i felt mute, i had nothing in me to say.. Then he said, if your not going to talk you may as well not have come over. I then told him that i felt that this relationship wasn't working for me. He got cross, saying that it was a waste of time coming out for a drive. I said he can just drop me off and I'll ask my dad to collect me, to which he replied 'how old are you, that's pathetic'.. He said he can't change who he is and won't change for anyone. I asked can't or won't change? He said he's tried everything counselling didn't work both just asked him stupid questions or sat staring at him. I said he could have sought a different counsellor and he said they're all the same. On route back to his he asked me about CBT which i explained as I've been through that process and it helped me. He said that its all about being positive which is crap. He then said he never knows anything coz i don't talk to him. I reminded him that i do try to but i get a one word answer or a grunt then i don't talk. And if he's watching tv i don't coz he doesn't like it coz he's into the film or prog. He's also said when he's low he doesn't always want to talk. There were other things thrown about like he feels like he's walking on eggshells with me all the time.. Likewise! That when he asks if I'm ok and i say in fine, he worried coz he knows there's something wrong, but if he's not responding much when i talk and he asks me that i stay quiet. I appreciate that I'm at fault there for not saying. He says he gets angry if i don't talk not when i do talk?? I mentioned how i feel that i do everything (cook, meet his requests, play with his boys etc) to which he said i do ask if you want help (i think he's asked me that maybe twice), he said perhaps he shouldn't have come round with his boys and stayed away if its that much trouble. It then went onto me being a good mum and him praising me an tellin me i do a great job. Next it was onto how he needs to get off his **** and do stuff like he used to. I mentioned that I've suggested we go for a walk in the past and that he rejected it saying he walks all week at work. He said 'well you need to get me off my **** to do it and get me to move' mmm easier said than done and not my responsibility which i told him and that got him cross saying 'you said we'd go on a bike ride but we never have, you can easy pop round the corner and get your dads bike but you don't!' I just ignored that one..
And so it went on something nice followed by something angry and unkind.. I sat thinking 'what the hell is happening here' i began questioning myself, have i tried hard enough to talk, do stuff with him etc, is it my fault i don't always talk and get him moving...
Eventually i said i had to go, i returned his house keys and drove off feeling awful.. Awful for hurting him, and anything else i may have done. Worried he is in tears and breaking down. I rang my friend for a chat to calm down and I'm now round at my parents house.
He texted to say 'I do love you with all my heart, take care'.. I texted back 'I never stopped loving you.. I appreciate I have my faults, there is no blame.. I just felt it wasn't working for me and for that I'm sorry.. I never set out to hurt you, and I'm so sorry did.. Take care xxx '.. Little bit after he came back with 'we'll you did', and then 'In a big way wanted to marry you'.. I've not responded to either..
The marriage thing was spoke about 3 months back, he wanted to buy me a ring for my birthday a wedding one to show his love for me. I said at the time, if and when the time was right I'd consider marriage one day (i meant in general, not necessarily to him, i realise now that that wasn't helpful, i make mistakes and have flaws too. our relationship was in a reasonably happy place at that time before i realised what i now know)..
I have texted his cousin to ask her to look out for him, and she said she will and said she would chat to me later..
So that's it i guess, i feel rubbish, tearful, confused and pretty low but have managed to hide it behind a smile in front of my parents.. Not that they'd mind my tears..
Is it right to feel unsure of my descison yet know deep down it was the right one? God it hurts.. A lot xx

[Travelinglady]

I am glad to hear of your decision.

[comethisfar]

You made a decision! Good for you! Wishing you the strength to remain positive and confident in you, you and your boys deserve you to be happy and fulfilled!