Greetings. I have a female friend who is had BPD. We have been known each other for almost a year now and although we rarely see each other in person anymore as she moved to another state, we would talk every day and video chat at least a few times a week. I love her like a sister and would do just about anything for her. We normally get along good and she's an expert at controlling her BPD symptoms, but about 4 months ago we had a bit of a problem.

I'm bipolar possibly with some type of NOS personality disorder myself so I'm occasionally prone to mood swings and other types of seemingly irrational behavior. About 4 months or so ago, a harsh breakup with an EX triggered probably the worst manic depressive episode in me that I ever had. I can usually keep my mood and impulses in check enough that it doesn't negatively effect my life, but I was so hurt during that time period that I couldn't control myself.

I said some harsh things that I didn't mean on Facebook which lost me about 3 friends and caused the BPD friend in question to get angry at me and say some harsh things to me as well which didn't go so well for either of us. I apologized later but I didn't talk to her too much for a couple of weeks or so. I started talking to her again and things seemed to be going well for about a week or so until she said something about me that I didn't like which made me think that I was messing up somewhere which caused me to become a bit submissive to her for a few weeks around her because I didn't know how else to be her friend or make her happy.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore so I disappeared for a couple of months out of Skype, Facebook, and Google+ (all of the media we use to keep in contact) and I just recently got in contact with her because I really miss her. I told her that I was institutionalized to avoid triggering her BPD symptoms. I mean what else was I going to say? I needed a break from you because you were driving me crazy? I have my problems too and I need to isolate myself sometimes to avoid hurting people.

I was hoping she would have sent me at least one message checking up on me. Nope. She didn't seem to care. I could have died for all she knew and she wouldn't have given a damn. Before the incident, she would freak out if I didn't talk to her for a couple of days and bomb my phone with IMs checking up on me. Now? It's like I'm a ghost. I'm hurt by this more than I should be.

Anyways, when I got back in contact with her and she claimed that she was relived that I was gone because she thought I had found somebody else to "drain energy" from. Her saying this was painful for me because it was never my intention to "drain her" and I'm confused as to why she feels this way. I humbled myself and apologized and claimed that me being "locked up" has taught me a lesson in valuing those in my life more because they took my internet and phone and she seems like she wants to talk more to me, but in reality, I'm confused because I have no idea what I could have possibly done to make her feel this way.

Also, if it's relevant, she seems to be only sociable when she's drinking which is only at night so it doesn't interfere with her job during the day. She is very direct in her tone and has a bad habit of saying things harshly. She's a stereotypical "tom boy" that is more aggressive, seems to need to be in control, wears all black, and has a lot of negative feelings towards others. Heck, she even refuses to talk to me about her problems even when I could be in a position to help and instead tries to "handle it" on her own. She also has poor self esteem and often claims that she is never happy and I feel bad for her while in a way, I feel like I can relate to her.

Probably the only reason why I'm trying as hard as I am to keep her is because she's one of the few people in my life who I can be myself around no matter how dark or messed up I may be without fearing judgement. If it wasn't for that, I would have given up a while ago.

In short, how should I deal with my social interactions in the future with her to bring things back to the way they were prior to my mood swing? Should I start off slowly and build things back up or is there something else that I can do to improve my relationship with her?

[kaliope]

i have to say this sounds very classic for a bipolar/bpd relationship. i wouldnt be offended of take anything personal/to heart. it is just part of the dynamics of your diagnoses/personalities. i had a friend who broke down and told me something similar. i had no idea. i thought everything between us was great. we had been friends for years. her behavior toward you is classic bpd. i wouldnt expect it to change. you can work on your behaviors though and watch to identify your behaviors and change them so you are not so overwhelming of others. you can take things slow with her to rebuild the relationship and you may get it back, but reseach a bit on bpd's and relationships so that you have a better understanding so you do not take her behaviors toward you so personally. take care.

Thanks. On a positive note, we talked a bit last night and today and it's clear that she still wants me in her life, I am just hurt by what she said.

I've always had a bad habit of taking things people say too literally and personally so I'll have to work on it. I'll start slowly with her because I have a lot of personal problems in my life currently that have me at a very fragile state of mind. I might even send her a small gift next week when I get paid.

What's funny is that our relationship started mostly as a "friends with benefits" style sexual related thing, but now I don't even think about sex with her; I just enjoy her company. She shows me love without expecting too much out of me despite her faults and that is a niche that I have nobody else to provide me in my life currently because my parents are dead and I don't have any siblings, so you could imagine that I'm afraid of upsetting her and losing her.

Still though, in my mind, I feel like I'm being punished for the slightest mistake. We are all human and all humans make mistakes. It's not like I accidentally killed somebody and I've never intentionally hurt her. Heck, I even hurt myself to prevent myself from hurting her when I'm at my worst, so I don't feel like I deserve to be hurt or unhappy over this whole ordeal.