[CuriousFriend]

My best friend has had trouble getting along with her mother for most of her life. Her mom uses family get togethers to whip up a fight with her three daughters, then goes to her husband and lies about what is going on (making herself the victim) and the dad makes the girls apologize (these girls are in their 40's). As soon as she gets her daughters to comply and apologize when she knows she caused the problem, she gets her emotional payoff and is completely glowing with happiness and gets giddy.

She also emails them about the things that she wants to get them, and then never does. She will tell the girls to go and get themselves something for their birthday and she will pay them back, and does not or only sends half the money. Then she tells the dad, look what I got for them.

She constantly wants attention, and when she gets one daughter gets so mad she won't talk to her, she badgers everyone in the family until they get her to call mom and apologize and make up. She is very self centered and seems clueless about social rules. She is always trying to make others think she is important "I have to be on a conference call in two hours...) and will make sure everyone knows she has a conference call.

She has had a face lift, and when all he daughters got married she went and got herself a diamond wedding ring bigger than all of her daughters. She seems in constant competition with her children and brags a LOT. Anyone who does not have their Masters or PHD are completely below her and only associating with her to raise their social status. She does have several symptoms of narcissism. The biggest thing that drives my friend crazy is that her mom is just constantly trying to cause trouble and pick at the girls until they get into verbal fights and it just seems to be a sick and twisted game she won't stop. Deb wants a good relationship with her mom and this hurts her a lot. Holidays are a nightmare and they are coming up, she invites herself to her kids houses for holidays and they scatter with excuses to not be with her. It is causing strain with the sisters, they are required to go on a family vacation every year with the parents and it makes them crazy to be stuck with her for a week of chaos, I suggested the girls just go together but they said it would be a nuclear fallout when he parents found out.

So what do you think this woman has and can it be fixed? She is 70 and very set in her ways. Help!

[starfruit504]

I can't be sure without more information. She sounds like a manipulative Cluster B personality disorder (Narcissistic or Borderline). Those are difficult to treat because of the nature of a personality disorder.

Instead of hoping to change someone who apparently has no desire to change or no self-awareness of the issue, it's more important for her daughters to be more independent of her -- if they don't like the way she treats them, they should avoid her. They should stand up for themselves when she "invites" herself over. I mean, lots of people have had to asked their parents to stop dropping in whenever they feel like it, sans personality disorder. They should stop going on these family trips if they are nothing but full of chaos. These women need to think about the effect this is having on their own families and children. Who cares about nuclear fallout from parents when you're a grown woman with kids? At some point you have to look after your own children and spouse and stop wishing you had the parents/grandparents you deserve.

I have to suppose there has been some benefit to capitulating all the time, I wonder what it is.

[Bipholar]

It seems you've been drawn into the drama of your friend's life. Your friend needs to go to therapy or support groups like these to manage her relationship with her mother.

It's not your problem to diagnose or manage. Not your mother, not your life. Unless you are considering marrying into the family in which case I'd suggest going into therapy and discussing healthy boundaries and things to that effect

[Atypical_Disaster]

I agree with Bipholar that you seem to have gotten yourself wrapped up in the drama of your friend's life. When a friend is in a situation like this, being a good friend isn't going to be enough... Your friend sounds like she would benefit from therapy.

Her life is not yours, it is not your job to change or fix anything. Why are you so compelled to know what's wrong with your friend's mother? She could have a personality disorder, or she could just be a sadist. The label doesn't really matter, what matters is that people are getting hurt, including your friend, and you seem compelled to "figure it all out" for her.

I could be wrong as I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with your friend and your post didn't give me much information except that she clearly has a very dysfunctional family, but this reply are just my initial thoughts.

Best regards.

[marmaduke]

She can't be fixed. The woman sounds like a classic nàrcissistic mother. A manipulator, a drama queen a control freak, still pulling their strings even tho they are 40.
Low contact is good and a refusal to join in her little toxic games.

One favourite game of a NARC mother is to pit her children agàinst each other and then sit back and watch the fireworks!

Deb needs to accept her mother is never going to be the loving mother she wants. Deb is looking for love she is never going to get.
That's painful.
My mother was the same it got a little easier when I accepted the truth.
Never love anything that cànt love you back.

[starfruit504]

marmaduke is right. Suffice to say that something is wrong with this picture and the family hasn't accept the truth.

[Tauren]

Forget what's wrong with her, she's toxic no matter what it is. You and your friend both need to disengage from her drama.

But just for the sake of discussion, my money would be on Histrionic PD.

[MissFiona]

It sounds like malignant, as in terminal narcissism. I'd keep right out of the drama that these type of Queens create as they age.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is no longer the fairest of them all. Anyone with a good heart is gonna get taken into the woods, as in led into a dark forest that stays in your mind and is hard to get out of!