[CosmicRose]

I just wanted you to know you are not crazy and you are not alone. I have been researching why on earth I have such an issue with commitment phobia and intimacy issues in my romantic relationships as an adult and I came across troves of articles linking fear of intimacy with a history of growing up with a narcissistic mother (or father, I'm sure). This goes for all adult children with a narcissistic parent as well, however my research has been specifically about adult daughters of narcissistic mothers.

We often have issues getting close to people because deep down we feel we are inherently flawed. This is due to the years of gaslighting, emotional invalidation, and parenting the parent. Our emotional development was altered and our trust was thwarted. We never received any form of validation for how we felt. We were made to feel like such a bad child if we confronted our mother's obvious cruelty. Our feelings were always wrong, according to her. We were only ever right if we were on her side - because there was a constant war being waged in the household.

Our childhood home felt unstable and so do our adult relationships. Our self esteem is often low and we seek outside reassurance because we never got it growing up when it mattered. Your mother may have complimented you, but if you ever crossed her, she tore you down just the same, erasing any good compliment she fed you with nasty comments about your personality or characteristics. Everyone on the outside may have commented about how wonderful your mother was, because they had no idea about the true horror behind closed doors, nor would they believe you if you told them. The total lack of empathy and callous outbursts, the blackout rages and the twisted accusations. There might have even been substance abuse in the household with many narcissists trying to cover up their own internal turmoil.

The narcissist insists you're the liar, that you've got it all wrong, that you're making it up, that they can't remember any of the wrong they've done. If you do back them into a corner with evidence of something horrible they've done, they immediately resort to turning into "the child" where they become a puddle of self pity, crying about how hard it was for them, never once paying attention to how it must have been for you.

This is what it is like to grow up with a narcissistic mother and this is only scratching the surface of the iceburg that is the ever invading crisis of this personality disorder/trait. Children of narcissists, you are not alone. I experienced this too. We can recover and finally have healthy relationships and beautiful self esteems. There is hope and there is support.

[marmaduke]

Thankyou Cosmic
Both my 'parents' were narcs.

[Sarah1985]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I just wanted you to know you are not crazy and you are not alone. I have been researching why on earth I have such an issue with commitment phobia and intimacy issues in my romantic relationships as an adult and I came across troves of articles linking fear of intimacy with a history of growing up with a narcissistic mother (or father, I'm sure). This goes for all adult children with a narcissistic parent as well, however my research has been specifically about adult daughters of narcissistic mothers.

We often have issues getting close to people because deep down we feel we are inherently flawed. This is due to the years of gaslighting, emotional invalidation, and parenting the parent. Our emotional development was altered and our trust was thwarted. We never received any form of validation for how we felt. We were made to feel like such a bad child if we confronted our mother's obvious cruelty. Our feelings were always wrong, according to her. We were only ever right if we were on her side - because there was a constant war being waged in the household.

Our childhood home felt unstable and so do our adult relationships. Our self esteem is often low and we seek outside reassurance because we never got it growing up when it mattered. Your mother may have complimented you, but if you ever crossed her, she tore you down just the same, erasing any good compliment she fed you with nasty comments about your personality or characteristics. Everyone on the outside may have commented about how wonderful your mother was, because they had no idea about the true horror behind closed doors, nor would they believe you if you told them. The total lack of empathy and callous outbursts, the blackout rages and the twisted accusations. There might have even been substance abuse in the household with many narcissists trying to cover up their own internal turmoil.

The narcissist insists you're the liar, that you've got it all wrong, that you're making it up, that they can't remember any of the wrong they've done. If you do back them into a corner with evidence of something horrible they've done, they immediately resort to turning into "the child" where they become a puddle of self pity, crying about how hard it was for them, never once paying attention to how it must have been for you.

This is what it is like to grow up with a narcissistic mother and this is only scratching the surface of the iceburg that is the ever invading crisis of this personality disorder/trait. Children of narcissists, you are not alone. I experienced this too. We can recover and finally have healthy relationships and beautiful self esteems. There is hope and there is support.

Thank you for this! I'm coming to the realization, that I in fact had narcissistic parents. So painful to grow up like that, but so freeing to finally have an answer, and for the first time in my life, not feel so alone.

[baseline]

Thank You I never new it had a name! I always thought it was me. That I was selfish, mean, inconsiderate. These were just some of the accusations. How I was not wanted, the physical and emotional abuse. I believed and sometimes still do believe I do not matter, I am unlovable, invisible. How does one begin to heal? It is still happening into adulthood. I am caregiver to this woman who continues to bash whats left of my self esteem. Never a kind word or touch just criticism and negativity. My husband and children can no longer bare witness to her treatment of me and yet I feel obligated duty bound to her. I crave mothering in the worst way.

[vek84]

My mother is a sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. Realizing this has brought me a lot of peace but also a lot of anger. We are not in relationship.

[vek84]

Yes, yes and YES!

My mother is a sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. We aren't in any sort of relationship or communication.

[starfruit504]

My father is a narcissistic sociopath and this describes him to a T. He controlled my life so much that there was no room for me in it -- and definitely no room for a spouse.