passive aggressive ex(?!)boyfriend

Hi @ all,

I was with a passive aggressive man for a few months. Until I realized this passive aggressiveness, it took a while for me. During our contact I felt worse and worse. I confronted him with his behaviour and he knew very well what he was doing and he was explaining this with external conditions. I told him I would leave if it will not become better. To not lose me, he promised to improve. The evening was beautiful, but afterwards it went immediately worse.

I did not want this anymore and I copied his behaviour: impersonal communication. At the point I stopped asking questions he simply did not contact me anymore - as there was no obvious reason as there was no question. That was the end.

First I thought I could deal with this... but finally I think I cannot. I think it's so disrespectful to end a relationship like that. As really like(d?) him.

I am thinking to contact him again at least to find a good/acceptable end.
Does this make sense? I dont know... do you have advice?

Do not contact him! Sorry if that is very blunt but it's my advice.

Make contact with yourself. You copied him but you were just pretending to be like him? Now you're not coping because you are basically a human being who wants respect and a happy relationship with a warm blooded equal who can communicate. Quite right too! You deserve it. So make this about you! Cut your losses and don't waste time or energy contacting him.

Thank you for your advice
No, I am not like him. I talk about what I have a problem with, maybe not always immediately but I do, and also in a fair way.
He just made me that upset that exactly after I talked to him, he went on with his behaviour, he made it even worse. It even seemed to me an intentional acting to hurt me. But of course, again, it was not his fault. Is that really possible that he hates me that much to intentionally hurt me??

By copying his behaviour I just wanted to let him know how this feels, I did not know what else to do after we talked. I am angry, hurt but I think it was not my fault. I want to get these emotions away and I don't know how

I agree with Miss Fiona! You are seeking to get a reaction of respect and care from this individual that he was unwilling or unable to give before! Why would that have changed? Use the distance you have already gained and remake your life without him!

Hi XxKathxX,

'He just made me that upset that exactly after I talked to him, he went on with his behaviour, he made it even worse. It even seemed to me an intentional acting to hurt me. But of course, again, it was not his fault. Is that really possible that he hates me that much to intentionally hurt me??'

Why did he continue a behaviour that made it even worse? Because he knew it would!

Why did it seem like he was intentionally doing it to hurt you? Because he knew he could!

Based on your initial reaction to his behaviour he was able to repeat it. Why? Why would anyone do it again? Because he likes the sense of power over another human being. 'Oh look I've got the power to upset Kath, that must mean I'm really strong!' I enjoyed the feeling of power and control so much that I'm going to do it again. Kath might get even more upset this time which will make me feel even more powerful. Kath might even go away and not be able to stop thinking about me even when we're no longer in contact. Oh yay, Kath might even think it's her fault when it's really me having the power to enter her thoughts without being physically present. I'm so omnipotent!!! That means I've got incredible super powers when I behave meanly to her, AND if all goes according to plan, Kath will lose her own power and blame herself and come back for MORE. Yippee, I'm going to wait because the anticipation is FUN! Meanwhile I'll practice on somebody else while she beats herself up!

Kath, look at it from the angle that he is just doing his job. It's not personal, it's just his job to project onto other people how he feels about himself. To make that person feel powerless and confused and hurt and hated. I know it would suck to know that it's not personal and that if he does it to everybody then he didn't think you were special. That hurts big time. That's how they gain their power. So please stop thinking it's about you or some lack in you that he hates you. Don't be tempted to try and get a nice warm closure or another beginning on this situation. Don't try to talk it out with him, start talking to yourself and thinking about all the great positive things that make you able to cut contact with someone that doesn't make you feel good. That's called strength. When you start thinking about anything negative, like wow he must really hate me, rub that thought out in your mind and replace it with, wow, I really like myself because I'm not going back for more of that crap and I'm going to think about me and how he infiltrated my head. I'm going to work on my self esteem.

:-)

Hi MissFiona,

many thanks for your support I really appreciate it! Probably you are right, it's much about control and the satisfaction he got from excercising the control. It's also mirrored in his job and other areas of his behaviour.

It's just that far away from myself, I don't feel good by controlling people or by intentionally hurting them (would be the least I would do), I want the ones I like to feel good. I cannot really understand this... he must be a really poor person. I got deceived by his "emotional" and sometimes overproportional effort and jealousy which made me believe he wants me...and his "sweet care" about his family, colleagues, anyone on the street. Except me.

Very likely I would not receive the needed human reaction I needed if I would contact him just because he feels better to not give it to me, so maybe it's better to not do.

But it's still hard to realize that I was just abused.

@MissFiona: did you ever meet such a man or why do have such an insight in their way of thinking?

I've been an abuser who was fortunate enough to see what I was doing and then thinking, why am I doing that? It's not getting me what I want. What do I want? Gosh I didn't really know, I'd just seen that it's what grown ups do, have relationships, when they are all grown up. Oops, I'm just acting like a grown up who is trying to have a relationship because it's what I've seen is supposed to happen when you're normal. How come they're not working out?! Because I'm not grown up at all. Oh no it's going to take a lot of work to grow up and stop being an abuser who thinks they're a victim or acts like one or the other or both depending on the situation. Damn, I can't ignore it now I've seen it with my own eyes from the inside out, what a pain. And it's been torture but preferable to being the tortured and the torturer in no particular order.

Kath, try to not look at it from a victim perspective. Focus on it being an experience that provided you with the opportunity to grow and learn about that particular type of person and about yourself. Would you really want to be like him? I know not feeling pain can seem like a blessing and you're probably wondering how can he be so unaffected by me, it probably makes you feel like you didn't and don't exist. So I think what is happening is that you need reassurance from him, which is fuelling your need to contact him, so that you regain your sense of existence after such a surreal unnatural relationship. You won't reclaim your sense of self by contacting someone who isn't real or natural. That's where the hard part comes in, behaving like an adult and experiencing some emotional pain whilst trying to regain a sense of balance and not turning to a little boy who plays emotionally damaging games. Please don't feel abused or broken. Feel strong and happy and the heroine in your own life story. Erase this wanna be prince by placing him in the trash bin as though he's a useless file on your computer and hit delete forever. Don't place yourself in the trash bin with him by feeling like an abused victim. Open a new browser and type in : Kath is amazing!

:-)

Miss Fiona, thank you for your honest, insightful post. I think you are an inspiration for all of us puzzled and confused partners who try so hard to do the right thing and be kind and generous and understanding and yet fail to see why it does npt produce any of the responses we desire to see. Your post certainly inspires me to keepmy self respect. Thank you!

Miss Fiona said it all. All I have to say is this, "Don't go back to the well, XxKathxX, there's no water there."

Don't contact him again. You can't find a good/acceptable end with this guy. He's too impersonal to empathize with you.

First of all: many many thanks for your honest answer. It really helps me

No, for sure I don't want to be like that! Copying his behaviour was just a trial of saving myself and the rest of my self esteem.

Yes, that hits more or less the core point/motivation. One last question on the topic if you want to answer: isn't he feeling pain or is he just ignoring the pain to give that impression to the outside world to maintain the feeling to control and to be controlled/dependend?

I will give my best

Oh thank you for your lovely thank you comethisfar.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with your own insight about confused partners who try so hard to do the right thing! Abusers rely on the qualities of the other person such as kindness, generosity and understanding to be of the utmost importance TO the abused person but appear to mean nothing to the abuser once they have got you where they want you, which is confused and unkind and ungenerous not to them, but to yourself.

This cycle which is the equivalent of an inner beauty contest, where the abuser is the judge, or the head judge on a panel of judges as he/she also relies on the opinions of the judges in their life, which are the parents or friends. Yet probably claims to have a mind of their own! I don't think so! So let's party and destroy someone who basically has sound values, instead. How dare they have anything that I can only pretend to possess!!!

Let them party like it's 1099 and leave them back in the dark ages where they belong :-)

One last question on the topic if you want to answer: isn't he feeling pain or is he just ignoring the pain to give that impression to the outside world to maintain the feeling to control and to be controlled/dependend?

Kath I know it's normal to want to know if that person is feeling anything, but all I can say is that this person is probably far from normal and would have his emergency crew on hand - in the form of friends and activities and his own encapsulated mind that prevents him from facing any form of reality, about his behaviours. It's really hard to imagine being so closed off for the person on the receiving end, because it's like a wound that won't heal. My belief is that the wound was already there, below the surface, and the situation you have encountered has brought it to the surface to allow it to fully heal. What prevents the healing is the unimaginable thought that someone who created this pain you are experiencing is feeling nothing or is unaware. So it's really not about him, it's about you getting to the bottom of why this person got under your skin, brought the wound to the surface and why you are feeling this way. It's all about you. What is stopping you from moving past this as easily as him? You are thinking about it! Who would feel like getting out and about and having fun when they are feeling this way? I know it's beyond difficult especially at this time of year but try to give yourself the best present you will ever give yourself this year and forget about him. As time goes past he may contact you, wondering how on earth you managed to forget him so fast. And you can say, sorry wrong number :-)

You're right: he has always too much to do, maybe no real friends but a lot of other contacts as well as many hobbies (some he only searched for after we were together just to have excuses to spend no time with me).

I also know that at the end the problem is me: I should have realized and intervened before, at least now I should stop thinking about this guy. The fact that I did not/doing not is something I should find the reason for. Maybe I already found out. That's what he was useful for. The conversation with a knowing counterparty really helps me a lot to deal with this topic

I don't want him back, he caused mental and as consequence of that also physical harm to me. I just try to understand this with my mind, somehow it's important to me. I don't know whether I'd prefer to think that he is a hurt victim himself or whether he's some kind of psychopath incapable to feel emotions. I don't think he'll contact me again, making him losing his war of ignoring. Even he would, I don't want the contact anymore. I am happy that I have distance as I really feel better than before.

At least I already started to enjoy my life again by meeting some old and some new people, going out with suboptimal mood is better than staying at home

Well done and keep it up! One step at a time! I agree with you and Miss Fiona that closure will come from your reflection how he was able to get under your skin to the point that you were - at least for a while - accepting unacceptable behaviors. And when closure comes, the hurt passes happiness will come back to your life. I wish you that and root for you! Strength, love and happiness to you!

thanks also to you comethisfar for your encouraging words
I am sure I will manage it and hope also the best for you

XxKathxX you're doing way better than you probably fully realise by not contacting him. No contact says 'No, you do not have this power over me and puts you in full control of your own life'.

Enjoy :-)

@MissFiona: yes, it's my life! And I can actively decide on who is part of it and who not. And I am not the toy of anyone, I have feelings which need to be respected and I deserve respect anyway.

I would like to believe that he realizes a gap in any emotional way giving me some kind of revenge although usuallly I am not like that. But I don't think so, maybe he has already found an appropriate substitute as replacing a toy is not that difficult. So I must manage it without this. Just with the satisfaction that I showed at least that much self esteem to prevent myself from an ongoing destroying relationship. It's not much, but better than nothing

XxKathxX,

It's the not understanding how anyone could act so unaffected. It's so opposite and opposed to the things you value. My guess is he will soon break the next toy so don't dwell on the thought that he has found someone perfect. View it as you had a lucky escape.

I think it's a learned behaviour that he's picked up somewhere like a virus and you don't want it spreading to you. The longer you're around that type of person the more the virus spreads so you're doing such great stuff avoiding him like the plague :-)

@MissFiona
I am not sure whether he's not able to find s.o. perfect... at least from his point of view. In fact he is not searching for a partner (per common definition), he is searching for s.o. willing to sacrifice her own self esteem for him to compensate his minor one. That's what he tried. Maybe/probably he had also other women during our time.

I researched a little bit about this behaviour and came across the name passive-aggressive which fits it by 100 percent. It exists with different degrees of intensitiy and my ex seems to be the extremum. Reason behind it usually lies in childhood and parent's education methods and their ways of dealing with conflicts in combination with the born personality characteristics necessary for such kind of disorder. Maybe his job supported/worsened it.

Maybe it's not only the not understanding... passive aggressiveness not only includes indifference but also the other extreme. He made me feeling beeing very loved and sth special on the one hand and feeling like a wothless trash bin on the other hand.

I don't think I would really adopt his behaviour, but avoiding him like the plague is really the best I can do as I don't want to fall into the trap again