[lamarboarder1555]

Good afternoon everyone,

First post on the forum here, but it probably won't be my last. My wife and I have a very happy marriage, but unfortunately we both struggle with mental health issues. I have OCD (currently under control), and she has major depression.

I come to this forum not for help for myself, but for help for my wife. Approximately 6 months ago, we decided we were ready to start a family. She's was on 20mg Lexapro for depression, and has been on various SSRIs for years. In the interest of a healthy pregnancy, she decided to wean herself off of her medications. Initially she did very well. Recently, she's crashed hard. She's as depressed as I've ever seen her. She's three months from earning her doctor of Pharmacy degree but she's mightily struggling to complete her final rotations, being afflicted by serious social anxiety and insecurity in tandem with the depression. She's also said that she's never been afraid of herself, but is starting to feel that way. She did promise to me that any suicidal urges would be communicated to me ASAP and I've been working from home whenever she's home to comfort her and keep her safe.

We're trying to be proactive through all of this. Last Tuesday, she began seeing a psychologist again (it's been a few years), and she has another appt Thursday. On Friday, she restarted Lexapro at 10mg, and may taper up to 20mg again. I'm very used to dealing with my own mental illness so I'm trying to be very patient and supportive. I'm encouraging her to do at least one thing a day to get better, whether it's a workout, reading a self help book ("Feeling Good" by David Burns), making a pdoc appointment, taking a walk, or posting on this forum. Her depression does rob her of a lot of the motivation required to do these things.

With all these things pending, we know it'll only be a matter of time before she starts recovering. The Lexapro worked moderately well before so we've no reason to think it won't work this time. But she's still pretty hopeless and desperate in the meantime.

At her current rotation, her boss is unapproachable and leaves her without a lot of concrete things to do so she feels like she's getting nothing done, and that bothers her to the point of tears. She feels like she's not doing a good job. Every day feels like an enormous chore for her.

My question for you all is - what can I be doing in the meantime, before the Lexapro starts to kick in again, to best comfort her and tackle her depression head-on? She's missed a few days of her rotation recently, and if she continues to miss them she may jeopardize her ability to graduate on time (after 5.75 very successful years). More importantly, it truly hurts me to see her in so much pain, and I'd like to know how to best comfort and encourage her.

I appreciate any help you can provide.

-A.J.

[basicgoodness]

Welcome to the forum, lamarboarder1555. I'm sure you'll get lots of helpful advice here. I am sorry your wife is suffering. My advice is to ask your wife what she feels would be most helpful. She may want to just be held in silence or she may want to talk about what she is going through. Also, it might be helpful to pick up some of the chores around the house that she had been doing, if any. Try to simplify her life as much as possible. She is carrying a heavy load and anything you can do to lighten it will be much appreciated.

[EnglishDave]

Hi A.J.

I am sorry your wife is going through this at such a stressful time with her Qualifications in the offing.

I believe you are doing well with your support and encouragement, but make sure it is always that, never try to force her into activities. Do, if you can, shoulder as much of the burdens of everyday life yourself so your wife has only her health and her studies to concentrate on for the next few months. It is all about sacrifice.

Hopefully then, she will be qualified, the meds will be working and the pair of you can face the future in a brighter, more balanced relationship.

You are a good and caring man.

Dave.

[dexter]

Keep letting her know you understand and want to support her. Keep reminding her that her insecurities are a result of the depression (but don't make her feel as if these feelings are insignificant... They are real, they are painful, but hopefully she can find her way through them enough to complete her degree. Encourage that if you can.

I wish I had someone as understanding and supportive as you. I think I'd be in such a better place.

And talk to her to see if she has any suggestions. Especially if she has any periods of clarity... She may say "I feel better when I go to the store so don't let me stay home when I'm feeling I don't want to go out" or she may say "When I go to the store I end up with such social anxiety I end up hurting afterward.... Can you do the shopping for me?" Take her lead if you can.

[lamarboarder1555]

Dexter, Dave, and basicgoodness,

Thank you for the warm welcome and the helpful advice. It's especially helpful to me that Dave mentioned not forcing her into activities, regardless of how therapeutic they may be. I do have a tendency to strongly encourage her to do things, and I'd hate for that to be counterproductive and make her feel worse. I have been taking a good portion of the housework, but I can and will do more.

Unfortunately, yesterday she began to feel suicidal, so I took her to the ER. They recommended we go to an inpatient facility (voluntarily). So she's been in a facility since last night at 8:00 PM. This is so hard on both of us. I have major anxiety (OCD) and while it's under control now, I know it'll fire up in a big way with a trigger like this. But I'm more concerned about her. She must be so scared. I hope this was the right decision.

[EnglishDave]

I am sorry to hear about this downturn, but you acted in the best possible way for your wife's safety. She is now in a place where she will be able to access the kind of assistance she needs now. I am sure the Therapy and security of the situation will make her a stronger person.

I do hope you can keep control of your Anxiety/OCD. Your health is of great importance, too. Try to see all of this - no matter how difficult - as positive steps towards a calmer future for the two of you, together.

Dave.

[marmaduke]

Hope it don't sound silly but head massages are amazingly relaxing.
If you look up on the Internet how to do them properly.

Just read you other post. I'm sure it is the right decision.

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[Mygrandjourney]

I'm sorry to hear about your wife and how it affects you. You may have heard this or something like it, but you do have a responsibility to yourself to do what you can to keep your OCD as stable as possible, whatever that looks like. Helping yourself IS helping your loved ones.

[lamarboarder1555]

Thanks everyone. It seems like the OCD mindset is quite different from the depression mindset in certain ways. I appreciate the insights!

From experience dealing with someone who has depression episodes. There's really nothing you can do to help the best thing you can do is just listen. Trust me I can't even take my own advice half to time it's hard when you see the person is hurting. Just listening and a hug now and then can go a long way. The biggest thing I learned is don't tell them how they should feel.

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